Are You Stalking a Sissy?

(or maybe you are one)

This is a question that ws begging to be asked. You may think you know what you're doing or maybe you're in denial. Don't worry. It's o.k. There is no shame in a little geeky infatuation (and I'm not talking about his cool/nerd deal the media has been perpetrating). We're talking honest to goodness sissies--God bless them. Run of the mill wusses are only the tip of the iceberg. I don't think I've ever admitted this, but twice now I've glimpsed a guy only to later realize that they were a member of the "special" set. Now, I'm not joking and I'm definitely not knocking the handicapable. I'm just trying to give you a sense of how serious these situations can become.

The following survey is performing the necessary function of helping you decipher the seemingly odd behavior of your stalkee (or yourself). And what if they are a sissy? This poses many problems. It might do you well to even nip this whole thing in the bud--I don't want you to get hurt.

Stalking sissies is easy in theory, in fact ideal. That is if you're looking for an admiration from afar--and this is the stuff that I've been preaching. Unfortunately, the scaredy-cat stalker has a little more in common with their plain scary counterparts than they may like to admit. Where a typical stalker is blatant--lingering around their obsession's homes or workplaces, calling or sending threats, the scaredy-cat is more calculated and seemingly harmless. Watch out! Behind that smiling facade is a disturbed, plotting schemer who will stop at nothing. With their trusting, amiable demeanor, sissies are ideal targets. But as you'll discover, they have many, if not more personality quirks than yourself.

Check out this character profile in order to prevent a potentially volatile situation. Stalkers--be cautious and don't get in over your heads. Guys--find out if you're stalker-bait. I realize that I'm ignoring male stalkers, who I think greatly outweigh the female variety. Don't take offense, see this as an opportunity to get to know yourself better. If you discover you are a sissy, walk tall and hold your head high, knowing you are loved. If you're not a sissy, it's probably for the best. As you'll notice the questions are worded to address the stalker, but don't let that stop you from rephrasing the "does he" or "do they" to "do I". Have at it.

1. His drink of choice:
a. coffee
b. milk
c. whichever malt liquor is on sale
d. juice box

2. What's going on underneath those clothes?
a. boxers (silk or cotton)
b. nubby, worn out, too small Spiderman underoos
c. standard white Hanes-type briefs

3. Which title character do they most resemble?
a. Arthur
b. Ghandi
c. Judge Dredd
d. Lucas

4. Do they smoke?

5. A typical sexual fantasy consists of:
a. a "Baywatch" style rescue by Pam Anderson resulting in some extra special "deep sea diving."
b. fantasy is the operative word--their body isn't even capable of producing semen yet.
c. no recognizable faces or actual intercourse, just swirly abstract images of breasts. Casues them to exclaim, "boobies" in an awestruck whisper.

6. Is meat a part of his diet?
a. He'll eat it if it's around. He's definitely no stranger to the corndog.
b. Yes, a daily part--a little blood never hurt anyone.
c. Are you serious? Slaughter makes him all teary. Besides, he's on a gluten and dairy-free diet due to health problems.

7. Are they the youngest child in their family?

8. Ejaculates:
a. after a fair amount of penile stimulation.
b. only after you spank him and threaten to shove your fist up his ass.
c. when your hand accidentally brushes his waistband.

9. Which of these secrets does he harbor? Check all that apply.
a. Faithfully watches "Gimme a Break" reruns.
b. Pees sitting down.
c. Likes to read "Ranger Rick" with a flashlight under the covers.
d. Has tasted his own semen (am I fixated on jizz or what?).
e. Only takes baths because as he says, "Showers are for big boys."

10. How often do they wear shorts?
a. Never. No ifs ands or buts about it.
b. Only around the house or possibly for swimming.
c. Whenever it's hot or when performing a physical activity that would be constriced by pants. i.e. shooting hoops, mountain biking, hacky-sacking.

11. A blow job:
a. is dirty and wrong.
b. serves as fodder for a couple years worth of masturbatory fantasies.
c. is expected after a date or two.

12. His oft repeated phrase:
a. "Kick him to the curb, girlfriend."
b. "Grade school was the best years of my life."
c. Alternates between, "shut-up bitch" and "shit happens."

---

scoring

1. a=2, b=5, c=1, d=3
It's a given that sissies wouldn't be drinking cheap booze. The coffee drinking thing is pretty standard. Juice is pretty cute, especially when drunk from a box using a straw. I've been trying to deny it, but I kind of like that Weezer (remember, this was a few years back--I know, it's no excuse). I don't own any of their stuff and I'm trying to not ever know their names. You know where I'm going with this--that part in the "Say it Isn't So" video where the one guy (see, I don't know his name) takes a sip out of the juice box. It's too much. I won't even start on the guy wearing the storm trooper shirt because it's all so damn "altermative" and I'm a big sucker. Milk has the obvious connotations. Through informal polling I've substantiated what I've believed to be true for a while. An overwhelming majority of hetero guys and homo gals drink milk as a beverage. With the inverse for straight women and gay males. Very unscientific, but as you may have noticed, the milk industry is on to women's aversion to breast by-prodects. They have that campaign using famous women ranging from Vanna White to Gabrielle Sabatini sporting mild moustaches. I'm not sure if it's working or not. I bet the only people drinking milk are still a bunch of sissy boob-freaks.--I know that they're using men, children, and whomever they can ge their hands on for those milk commercials now. "Show me the milk" with that "Jerry Maguire" brat had to be their all-time low.

2. a=1, b=5, c=3
Boxers have gained a hip acceptability. Good ol' white cottons show a disregard for trends (or more likely the inability to break away from habits formed in childhood). I guess it's safe to stick with what you know. A fellow who can't bear to part with his underoos is admirable, but may be taking things a little too far.

3. a=1, b=5, c=0, d=3
O.k., it's obvious that Judge Dredd is a no go. Besides, who'd be stalking the likes of him anyway. If you're chasing around a British, middle-aged, millionaire, alcoholic who hangs out with Liza Minelli, then you've got problems too deep-seated to even go into at the moment. Despite being played by Corey Haim, Lucas is downright adorable. You'd better not be after anybody but a Lucas-alike. This kid tried so damn hard to impress the girl he loved that he almost got himself killed. If he just stuck with the sissy thing he could've got Winona Ryder*, but no, he had to go for the popular girl. And where's Kerri Green these days? If your guy's shorn his locks, donned swaddling clothes, and is refusing to eat, you've moved beyond sissydom and into the the realm the truly disturbed.

*As you may or may not know, I really don't like Winona Ryder, but anyone is better than the popular girl. Even her.

4. yes=0, no=3
I'm not trying to imply that smoking makes you macho, but it's a fact that most adult sissies don't smoke. Maybe as an insecure teen they dabbled with nicotine in an attempt to boost their image, but soon realized the futility. It never became a habit, and besides they were probably asthmatic.

5. a=1, b=5, c=3
All guys have fantasies, it's how they approach them that differs. Your typical boy is pretty straightforward. it's really just a matter of substituting different charecters and placing them in various locales. The sisier they get, the further they stray from concrete scenarios. Maybe they have little or no actual experience to draw on so they just improvise. Maybe some tits here, some thighs there (anything remotely vaginal remains mysteriously clouded). In more extreme cases the general urge is there, but they're just "shooting blanks."

6. a=3, b=1, c=5
You'd think that sissies would shy away from eating animals, but they also enjoy the tried and true. They would never say no to mom's cooking and risk conflict. I don't mean that they eat a pot roast daily--more like a frozen burrito or tuna sandwich. They wouldn't touch anything too visually bloody, and too much red meat might make them virile.

7. yes=3, no=0
Yes, I'm sticking with the stereotypical, coddled, spoiled baby theory. If you take offense to this, I'm sure that is because you are a youngest child.

8. a=1, b=5, c=3
Boys tend to be pretty full of oats. Some just take longer and require special accommodation to get them out. I don't think that sissies are known for their staying power, but that situation could probably be rectified. it's when he demands elaborate costumes and action figures as a prerequistie that you may question this gem you've been stalking (or not).

9. score 2 points for each checked response.

10. a=5, b=3, c=1
Shorts aren't a style easy to pull off as it may seem. It's not easy for geeky guys to carry off this casualness. Sissies tend to be very body conscious--a remnant from their late-blooming youths. Often, the sissy is very normal in appearance--all his gawkiness being in his head. But there are those who are in a perpetual awkward stae. Sometimes their feet and ahnds seem a little too large or facial features appear disproportionate, "little boys in big boys' bodies." For some reason arms aren't as big a deal as legs. T-shirts are one of the staples of their wardrobes. It can be confusing at times becasue there's always style crossover. Cool guys wer jeans, but so do sissies on occasion. Hip guys wear cords trying to emulate sissies. But if you really want to pick the true sissy out of the crowd, I have one word for you--Dockers. If your stalkee seems inordinately attached to only wearing pants it could be cause for concern. Perhaps he shaves his legs and is embarassed, or maybe his limbs are prostheses. And it is definietly never advisable to stalk a hacky-sacker. If you even stumble accidentally upon a ring of these vermin--run like hell.

11. 1=5, b=3, c=1
Guys seem to be pretty heavy into fellatio--so you may wonder when they shy away from it. It's up to you whether or not you should spend the extra time and effort on these misfits. I say it's probably worth it, but then I'm kinda fucked-up that way. Then there's those lovable freaks who don't even try to pursue intercourse--they're happy just getting an occasional suck. Sure, sissies have needs, but during their frequent dry spells they're content with a little munchkin punchin'. Getting laid may be nice, but sort of stressful and unnecessary. I was telling my ex boyfriend some of these quiz questions and he was laughing, then I got to this one and I realized that he'd gotten all quiet. I was just joking and asked if it was hitting home. He said, "No, I just don't think it's very funny." Well, I thought it was, and then only moments later he asked, "You're not writing about me, are you?" and I was like, "whatever." I absolutely was not referring to anything too factual in this test (as you may have noticed). So what I'm trying to say is that maybe I have an even better understanding of the male sissy than I orginally thought.

12. a=5, b=3, c=1
Maybe you'd find a guy saying, "shit happens" all the time pretty amusing, but I'm sure the novelty would wear off. And it's always nice to find a guy who appreciates Ricki Lake, but you have to wonder about all that "kick him to the curb" business. That's just not appropriate coming out of anyone's mouth. Who isn't nutty for nostalgia these days, and if grade school were his best years (as pathetic as that may sound), so be it. Everyone needs their glory days.