Baby, Misfit, or Freak: The Quiz
This is sort of like the ol' animal, vegetable, or mineral with a new twist. You're tired of the boy-next-doors and you're certainly fed up with those good-for-nothing sissies. Rest easy, there's a whole other realm waiting to be explored. I won't lie to you, this may be the toughest bunch to stalk yet. That's why I'm giving you a chance to become better acquainted with them. This motley crew is so varied that you may not even know you're stalking one until it's too late!
On the other hand, you may be well aware of what you're getting into, but feel a sense of shame or embarassment due to some of their peculiar attributes. Keep in mind that things are not always as strange as they seem and that you're not alone in your infatuation with the fringe. Come on, freaks need love too.
If you think you wouldn't be caught dead chasing around a member of this menagerie, you may want to take a closer look at yourself. Those that are the quickest to judge are often misfits in denial. Make sure you're not living a lie before condemning others.
1. They first caught your eye when:
a. ordering a double-bacon cheeseburger without the meat.
b. the wind blew off their crossing guard sash at that busy intersection in front of their school.
c. they were doing that crazy levitating thing that they do when they think no one's looking.
2. Their dream profession is:
a. being a forest ranger or Sega tester.
b. being the person who gets to design the lottery scratch-off cards.
c. a stand-up comedian, who moonlights as a limo driver in order to pay the bills.
3. You'd like to peep in their window, but:
a. they're a ward of the state with no permanent address.
b. their parent's room faces the street and unfortunately they are light sleepers.
c. they are all painted shut.
4. If your stalkee knew how crazy you were about them, they'd be:
a. surprised, but flattered.
b. all yours until the end of time.
c. pinching themselves. "Could something this good really be happening to me?!
5. If given a pile of scrap wood they'd:
a. build a fort.
b. start a fire.
c. fashion hundreds of those tiny paddles that come with individual servings of vanilla/orange ice cream.
6. When talking about themself, they:
a. speak in the third person.
b. punctuate the conversation with "golly" and "shucks".
c. stutter and keep looking beyond you instead of at you.
7. You'd frequent their place of employment more often, but:
a. they don't have one since they're not eligible for a work permit yet.
b. you're never quite sure which corner they're going to turn up on with that hurdy-gurdy and dancing chimp.
c. a person can only buy so many miniature pewter wizards and castles before raising suspicion.
8. They burst out laughing when:
a. a child accidentally hits his dad in the pelvic region with a plastic bat.
b. two seniors are golfing and one inadvertently smacks his buddy in the groin with a nine iron.
c. an athlete trips up while hurdling and his crotch makes contact with the bar.
9. It really gets your goat when they call you:
a. before 10 am.
b. mommy (regardless of your gender).
c. collect, long-distance, when they could've just contacted you telepathically.
10. You get the nerve to ask them out to a movie, but they'll only go if you agree to see:
a. Jumanji.
b. Pulp Ficton (even though they've already seen it eight times).
c. Waiting to Exhale.
scoring
1. a=3, b=1, c=5
2. a=1, b=3, c=5
3. a=5, b=1, c=3
4. 0 points for even thinking this was a legitimate question. What's it going to take for you to realize that no one loves a stalker?!
5. a=1, b=3, c=5
6. a=5, b=1, c=3
7. a=1, b=5, c=3
8. Guffaw, guffaw. 5 points for all. Groin humor is always funny.
9. a=3, b=1, c=5
10. a=5, b=1, c=3
11-21 Baby
Congratulations! You're a cradle-robber. Don't fret though, with kids growing up so fast these days it's only natural to be attracted to them. You just might want to be a little low-key with your pursuit. When parents (or the law) get involved, things can get a bit sticky. Don't call any undue attention to yourself--you know, offering them candy or telling them their folks sent you to pick them up. Since this situation can be potentially imbalanced, make sure your heart is in the right place. No one watns to be manipulated. And remember, despite all the joy a child can bring into your life, there can be a downside. You may begin to question your decision when your new sweethehart starts laughing milk out their nose and complaining about curfew.
22-32 Misfit
Yes sir, you've got an oddball on your hands. In the old days we called them dorks. They do tend to be enigmatic. Maybe you want to find out what makes them tick or possibly you feel the need to take them under your wing. There's nothing wrong with wanting to root for the underdog, but don't get involved out of pity. Strange as they may seem, you'll be lucky if they even take notice of your advances. They're a tough nut to crack. Personalitites can range from the fairly functional to the overtly disturbed, while outwardly they appear normal and ordinary. You may not know you're even stalking a misfit until it's too late. This isn't to say that you could never win them over, but it's not always easy to compete with "Laverne and Shirley" re-runs and sound effect records.
33-43 Freak
So you're pursuing on helluva strange brew, what now? The forbidden and unknown can be enticing for some. And why not, day to day existence gets old after a spell. With stalkees becoming a dime a dozen it makes sense to opt for the otherworldly. The odds just may be in your favor too, there's probably little if any competition for this breed. Often their outward appearance is enough to put most off, but then you've never been one to judge a book by its cover. You should either be commended or have your head checked. However, these guys are very often endowed with a super human gift, and if it's precognition you could be in a heap of trouble. No matter how sly and crafty you are they're going to be one step ahead of the game. Just approach them subtly and clear your mind of all negative energy because if your plans backfire they could make life very tough for you. Recall all the havoc wreaked by those cuddly Gremlins and you'll get the idea.
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