Is your friend-in-the-making cracked-up, fucked-up, or all washed-up?
(quite possibly the most arbitrary quiz to date)
1. You spied them at the grocery store buying:
a. Monistat 7, beef jerky, and buttermilk.
b. fruit cocktail, Trix yogurt, and a mini-crossword puzzle book at the counter.
c. a case of Hamm's, a 10-pack of frozen burritos, and Musician magazine.
2. Their favorite TV show is:
a. Reading Rainbow, no question (though they seem to know an awful lot about Ghost Writer for claiming not to watch it).
b. Star Search, video-taped from the 1985-86 season.
c. Matlock, if they can get up early enough to catch the re-runs, otherwise it's Webster.
3. With all this talk about friends, you can't help but wonder who their favorite cast member is on that hit show with the same adorable name.
a. It's Courtney Cox by default. Though they've never heard of Friends, they are still waiting to see if her character and Alex will get back together on Family Ties.
b. It keeps switching back and forth between Marcel the monkey and Tom Selleck until they conclude it's really the same character.
c. They like them all equally. It isn't fair to play favorites.
4. In a moment of weakness you confess how much you "like" them. They:
a. breathe a sigh of relief, glad to finally have it all out in the open.
b. gasp, sputter, then begin to cry uncontrollably.
c. box your ears, then proceed to wash your mouth out with soap.
5. They'd be almost perfect if they weren't always wearing:
a. that "Why be Normal?" t-shirt flanked by rainbow suspenders.
b. keyboard ties and primary colors.
c. camouflage (or "camo" as they prefer to call it).
6. Astrology is a good barometer of compatibility. When questioned as to their date of birth they:
a. eagerly respond June 20th-same as Cyndi Lauper and Lionel Richie (and D2's John Taylor). Oh them Gemini's.
b. break into a raucous rendition of The Beatles' "You Say it's Your Birthday" then promptly change the subject.
c. matter-of-factly answer February 29th.
7. You envision your partnership as becoming something comparable to that of the one shared by:
a. Beavis and Butthead.
b. Ren and Stimpy.
c. Ziggy and...oh, that's right, he didn't have friends.
8. You run into them at a Halloween party. They're dressed as:
a. Yahoo Serious (don't tell me you can't remember Young Einstein).
b. Max Headroom.
c. Richard Jewell.
answers:
1. a-3, b-1, c-5
2. a-1, b-5, c-3
3. a-5, b-1, c-3
4. 0 points if you think exposing your soul to near strangers is a good idea. Besides, this is supposed to be platonic. Why are you always trying to ruin a good thing.
5. a-1, b-5, c-3
6. a-5, b-3, c-1
7. a-3, b-1, c-5 Just so you know-basing your life on cartoon characters is delusional. Besides, none of the above relationships are even remotely healthy.
8. a-1, b-5, c-3
7-16 crack-up
Depending on the strength of your own personality, this could be successful in varying degrees. It's easy to see why you'd be interested--they're a barrel of monkeys. But remember even the most adorable primate starts stinking after a while. Maybe you're intrigued by their ability to command attention, as they're always the life of the party (or think they are). This is fine if you're a shrinking violet, but if you have any spunk of your own this could become tiresome. What's the point of going and doing exciting things if you end up feeling shut-out? Playing second fiddle to someone's constant antics has its down side. Every comic needs their straight man, but do you really want to be the next Ed McMahon?
17-25 fuck-up
The complete opposite of the sidekick role. This friendship demands a strong individual. You're going to have to get used to putting up with a lot of cops knocking on your door in the middle of the night, loaning money for unexplained reasons, assuming new identities, stuff like that. Being a part of something exciting is appealing. It's nice to feel needed, but are you sure you're not confusing needed with used? They could just as easily find someone more indulgent of their behavior, so you'd better think twice. This situation may be good for the curious type. You could spend hours trying to figure out what makes them tick, only to come to the unsatisfying conclusion that there is just no explaining them. A relationship of intense ups and downs. Don't become too attached, there's no telling when the paddy-wagon will pull up and cart them off.
26-35 washed-up
Who doesn't enjoy a little bittersweet reminiscing. It's fun swapping stories and laughing at past foibles. Unfortunately, wash-ups tend to have a poor sense of humor when it concerns themselves. This could rapidly become tiresome. I mean how many times do you need to hear about that awesome stage dive at that D.R.I. show over ten years ago? Bor-ing. There are advantages if you enjoy the perks of someone's low-level notoriety. You could probably get on the guest list at some shows, weasel a few free drinks, or maybe catch a movie or two non gratis (while hearing people snickering behind your back). It may do you well to figure out the difference between a friend and an acquaintance. You don't want to make a name for yourself by being attached to some oblivious has-been. This one's only for the lonely, insecure, or easily impressed. If you're over the age of 18 this will be a hard pal to justify.
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