10/28/98
Showing around out-of-towners freaks me out. I don't know any hot spots. It was o.k. last week because it was good friends, but next week I have an acquaintance visiting and this weekend I have two total strangers who want to be shown around. This is the problem with living in a big city. People like to visit.10/27/98
I keep having elevator incidents. I always get crammed in the back and sometimes it gets to me. There was this annoying woman in front of me and when she got off I gave her a flat tire (you know, where you step on the back of their heel and pull their shoe off). I was ha ha-ing in my head like Nelson off "The Simpsons" when all of a sudden I felt my shoe being yanked off. I got instant pay back from the guy behind me. Then later I was in the elevator with just one guy and he pushed 17 (I was going to 21) and then pushed 13. I was cursing him in my head for wasting my time with that extra floor (I'm totally starting to get that impatient New Yorker thing) and I guess that my face betrays more than I'd like to believe because when he got out he was all nervous and apologized for hitting two buttons. Those Wall St. types never say sorry so I must've been giving off the most evil vibe. I'm becoming a nasty person without even trying.10/26/98
I was searching through the Chris Penn guy at work's rolodex and he had this fortune in there, "Opportunities surround you if you know where to look". I've been collecting fortunes since I was 16 and get superstitious about them. I thought it was funny that this guy took this particular one to heart. I kept seeing rats (dead and alive) this past week and it was weirding me out and I thought it had something to do with my chinese zodiac sign or something (superstitious again) but then today it got out of control. I was coming back from lunch and this security guard girl whom I've never really talked to was outside smoking and she says to me, "Your friend is waiting for you". And I got all confused because I don't have any friends and she says, "Over there in the corner" and I look in this niche by the subway stairs and there's this enormous rat sitting there the size of a rabbit (she's the one who said it was the size of a rabbit). It freaked me out.10/25/98
I had my first out-of-town visitors since I've been here which was a good change of pace. I hadn't been to any museums or visited Central Park and this was the perfect excuse to be touristy. Saw Calder's (you'd know his mobiles if you saw them) circus at The Whitney and it was well worth the $9. I was wary at first, but it was pretty amazing. And there was this cool mini-documentary on him from the 60's that was really good. Then I got really annoyed because we were looking at this painting "Sailors and Floosies" and I was pointing and some guard came over and told me not to point. That is a bunch of shit. I've never heard of a rule against pointing at paintings. It seriously bothered me the rest of the day and I decided that he had a personal vendetta against me. Like 15 minutes later I was bitching about him and he popped right out from around the corner and I knew he heard me. I should've popped him. But earlier we totally got on the "love train". I hate to be so anti-couples/lovebirds, but P.D.A.s (public displays of affection, duh) make me sick. I absolutely cannot stand watching people making-out in public. Luckily my companion was equally grossed-out and outraged. I mean this old guy/ young girl twosome were practicaly humping against the subway doors and then these teens standing directly in front of us couldn't keep their ands off each other and then there was this randy, shit-eating grin kid who couldn't stop gazing into this frumpy, muppet-looking girl's eyes. Those two were the worst. It was like they'd been "doin' it" all morning and were in some horrible afterglow state. That's what homes are for. They can glow all they want, but I don't want to have to look at it. We followed them off the subway for fun, but lost them after a few blocks. It was probably for the best. Later we were treated to all sorts of gross little families and lovers romping in the park while trying to enjoy our Dove Bars (they didn't have the flavor I wanted and I accidentally gave the guy $1.50 instead of $2.50 and he yelled at me and I started feeling like everyone was picking on me for no good reason). But after we got home, swigged a couple whiskey sours, ordered chinese take-out, and watched "The Pretender", all was well again.10/23/98
My ATM card decided to quit working. Of course I took this personally. When I opened up my account in June I used somebody I probably shouldn't have's year of birth as my PIN number and I believe this has been the cause of all my troubles financial (and otherwise) since I've moved here. I got a new card and changed the PIN to my birth year (which shouldn't be too hard for any one of you to figure out--steal my card and you'll be sorely disappointed with you get). Now I'm waiting for good things to happen.10/21/98
It certainly doesn't take much to stress me out. Some client was buying lunch for himself and the Chris Penn guy I work. I had to call in the order and he told me to get whatver I wanted and it made me nervous. At first I thought I'd just get a bagel, but then if someone's offering to pay then you should get something bigger, but you don't want to look like a greedy hog. So I ended up getting brie on a baguette and then after I got off the phone I got annoyed because they ordered huge sandwiches, chips, and snapple and I'd wanted a coffee and didn't want to have to use my own money to get one later in the day. Starbucks charges an ungodly $1.42 (including tax) for a goddamn cup of coffee, which I can't justify. I get all teary thinking about the $1.15 tall that I used to get for 80 cents with my 30% library employee discount. So I was freaking out about wanting coffee and called back. I also wanted to ask for tomatoes on my sandwich (they'd already asked me if I wanted them the first time, but I reflexively answered, "no" because I was afraid of an extra charge. I know I've got weird money issues) but figured that'd be too much. This all was nothing much, but it was an ordeal. Then came the second problem. This guy gave me $30 and said he wanted a receipt. I had to go down to meet the delivery guy in the lobby and I wasn't sure if I was supposed to tip or not. If the guy saw his receipt and counted his change and saw a discrepancy he might think that I took it or something. But if it matched then he might think I was a lout for not tipping the guy. It was too much to deal with. I ended up tipping the guy $2 (the order was 22 something) and worried all the way up the elevator. Of course when I ended up giving the guy his change he just shoved it in his pocket and didn't even look at he receipt, joking, "Hey, you even brought my change back. You're nothing like my wife". Henny Youngman humor gets me every time. I actually saw this guy reading Henny Youngman's Giant Book of Jokes on the subway last week and there were these foul-mouthed obnoxious Long Island type ladies next to him that were secretly (well, not so secretly that I couldn't tell what they were up to) poking fun at him. It was just about the biggest case of the pot calling the kettle black that I've ever seen. then one started yapping about not liking to hang out in bars unless they're nice like the one at T.G.I.F.s and I had to bite the insides of my cheeks to keep from laughing. At the rate I'm going there'll be no skin left in my mouth by the end of the year.10/20/98
Office ladies are totally silent, but deadly when it comes to the bathroom. They really creep me out. Since I've started temping I've noticed weird bathroom behavior. Like if I come into the bathroom and there's already someone in a stall they become perfectly quiet and so then it's hard for me to pee because it's so noiseless, but I'll do it anyway and then I'll get my stuff together, wash my hands, etc. and they're still dead silent. What the hell are they doing in there?! I'm assuming that they're holding in their dump til I leave. It freaks me out. And this happens frequently.10/19/98
Banana pakoras are amazing. That's all I have to say. I could eat batter-fried bananas and chutney til I puke.10/18/98
Geez, I totally had a bad sit-com experience. I went to this party last night and somehow ended up with this British guy that I'd been introduced to earlier in the evening. I'd had a little too much "Mount Gay" rum (that's really the name) and couldn't stop singing/screaming old Misfits' songs, "I ain't no goddamn son of a bitch. You'd better think about it baby". This guy joined in and we got along well enough so I went back to his hotel (and got hassled by the desk guy who wouldn't buzz us in because there weren't supposed to be any guests or something, but we snuck in when another guy went in and got yelled at, but whatever) and we were hanging out. I spent the night, and here's the bad sit-com part, I have no idea what his name is. Isn't it usually the guy who's the fuck-up? I felt like such a retard, but it wasn't that big of a deal. I mean I don't think we'll ever run into each other in a social situation or anything since he's just visiting so there's no need to worry. He's supposed to send me some tapes (no, not the Misfits) so I guess eventually I'll find out his name. I woke up this morning with all these inexplicable bruises on my legs. Isn't that one of the warning signs of leukemia? My aunt kept bruising too easily and was tired all the time (just like me) and it turned out that she had a dangerously low platelet count and had to be put on that medicine that makes your face all huge and puffy like Gary Coleman. I don't need that right now.10/16/98
A month or so ago I was lying in bed reading with the TV on. They were talking about the new fall line up and I heard the name Bonnie Root. I jumped up, thinking I'd heard them wrong. I grew up with a Bonnie Root and right before I moved I went out to dinner with my childhood friend, Lema, who always tells lies and she was trying to convince me that she'd seen some bad made for TV movie and Bonnie Root was in it playing some teen runaway and that it was filmed in Portland. I didn't believe her for a second. But here was some proof on network TV--Bonnie Root was an actress. This really weirded me out. I don't know, Bonnie was always strange. All I really remember about her was that she was Jahova's Witness and didn't stand for the pledge of allegiance and that she told me some story in grade school about her mom being a satanist when she was younger and burning her satanic bible, but it kept coming back to her. And I always picture her in a tight purple t-shirt with an iron-on of a cartoon mouth with braces saying, "Tin Grin". In middle school she started hanging around the "bad kids" and she disappeared somewhere around our freshman year. The last time I saw her was in the Gresham branch of the Multnomah County library when I was 14 and she was with some older girls I didn't know from school. How does some small-town freak become an actress? I think I'm obsessed with Bonnie. The same week I heard about this show, "Trinity", Hurricane Bonnie started wreaking havoc. I couldn't get Bonnie off my mind. I'd forgotten about her until tonight when they aired the show. It's pretty bad. She's the "lost soul". They actually used that caption in the commercial. So far, I've gathered that her character is a pregnant, junkie, schoolteacher. We weren't really friends so I don't know why I'm all crazy about this.10/14/98
I'm starting to think that the words scratched into the subway windows are personal messages. The other day the word TEMP stared at me my whole ride to work. Today it was LONER on the way home. What kind of grafitti is that? It's giving me a complex.10/12/98
Well, it ended up being all humid and overcast so I didn't end up getting any more cheap furniture because that store wasn't open, which is probably for the best since I'm supposed to be saving money. I have this job interview on wed. and I'm not sure what to think. I can't even say who it's for because it's emabarassing. O.k., "American Baby" and "Healthy Kids" magazine. It's just freelance 'til Jan. and it would be good experience, but it pays crap and I'd have to be immersed in baby culture all day. Some people are ambivalent about kids. I actively dislike them. i mean, I really don't like babies at all. This company has 200 magazines with titles like, 'Lowrider" and "American Dollcrafter". I would love to work for one of those magazines, but all the cool, niche magazines are based in Ohio and Pasadena. What am I fretting about, I haven't even gone on the interview yet. I made cabbage soup with ham hocks. I'd never bought ham hocks before and thought they might be good, but they're kind of pointless. But it looks kind of cool to have a big meaty bone in the soup pot.10/11/98
I had the best day. I woke up and it was all warm and balmy (and was momentarily irked because I just bought that coat) and then I remembered that it was a 3 day weekend and that I had 2 full days ahead of me. And then I found a bunch of good job prospects in the "New York Times". I checked my bank account and my last check finally went through so I had more than 2 dollars for the first time in a week so I decided to go buy a bunch of groceries at the good store (that has wide aisles, "health food", and nice, clean, white people--I'm joking, I'm joking, but I am starting to get all that "This is America. Speak English" crap. I mean in Portland I just never had to constantly repeat myself to be understood. It's weird feeling like you're the foreigner) that's about a 20 minute walk instead of the closer, crappy stores. First I went to CVS (a drugstore) and got all excited about this new Maybelline nail polish. I know it's ridiculous, but I get really crazy about new make-up products. I always check the drug stores weekly for new displays and know which stores get stuff first. A couple months ago Maybelline started selling this new matte finish nail polish (other companies make it too, but Maybelline's the cheapest), but only in 3 colors. I went all crazy for it and bought 2. Then a couple weeks ago they introduced about 12 more shades and I restrained myself and bought 1. Well, today I found they make a top coat that you can put over any polish to make it matte and there were $1 off coupons as part of the display. I've been trying to penny pinch, but I know better than to say you'll go back for something. Whenever I do that, whatever I wanted is all gone. Just 10 minutes earlier I went to this mini-mart to buy candy cigarettes in really cool packages that I'd seen a couple weeks ago and they were all gone. The guy tried selling me candy cigars, which I didn't want, but then he and his wife started talking back and forth in Chinese and he turned back to me and said, "check back in a few days". I want to know what they were saying. So I was in a good mood because of my new nail polish and that someone was working on ordering more candy cigarettes. When I first moved here about 3 months ago, I would pass this weird kind of junk store/house with stuff on the sidewalk on the way to the good grocery store, but no one was ever around. It seemed like an odd place because Metropolitan Avenue is this busy street with auto body shops, rental car businesses, a Blockbuster, a McDonalds, and a Boston Market, and lots of mini-marts. I was always too scared to stop, but fantacized that it was ran by some cool elderly man or woman into collecting junky ephemera and that we'd get along and I could work there part-time and not have to get all dressed up and go to an office in Manhattan and I could furnish my apt. with all sorts of interesting things. So anyway, I usually walk this way every Sunday and since July there hasn't been anything out on the sidewalk, but there's a bunch of crap crammed into this front window and I'm always tempted to knock on the door, but today the stuff was out and an old man was there with a sign saying "sale" so I couldn't pass it up this time. There was a bunch of beat-up furniture and nothing super spectacular, but since I have nothing but a matress (that was left here when I moved in) and the chair I found outside, I was really excited. I couldn't take it all in and was afraid to ask prices because I only had $8 on me. But there was this cute, late 60's side table with starbursts on it so I asked, and it was only $2! Then I found a cool angular TV cart and it was $2 too! There were some tables, shelves, and desks that I was also interested in, but I didn't think I'd be able to carry them home. I asked the guy when he was open and he said it depended on the weather, but that he'd be open tomorrow if it was nice and that'd be it 'til the Spring. I was lucky that I stopped when I did. The guy was super nice and we were chatting and he was talking about how he wished "the kids from the East VIllage" would shop there (I'm glad they don't. That's what I like about Queens) and he was joking about how I should be his business psychologist. I mentioned being interested in a desk and he said if I bought something big, he'd drive it over for me. So nice! So instead of buying groceries I trekked back home with my arms full. I could barely walk with the table and cart and said as I was walking off, "I hope I don't look like a crazy person". I didn't think he'd heard me, but after a couple seconds he ran after me and said "that's not crazy" and told me this story about finding a giant mirror and a huge picture at some antique store in Manhattan that he had to have and how crazy he looked carrying them home on his motorcyle. I don't know if this was recently or in his younger years, but I liked to think of this old junk store guy riding around on a motorcycle. My arms almost fell off walking the 12 blocks home, but just as I got to the door this guy asked me if I wanted help with my stuff. It's so weird, I never run into people in the hall or at the door, but when I found that chair outside a Russian guy appeared and help me get it up the stairs and this time it happened again. Somebody up there likes me. Now I hope it doesn't rain tomorrow because I want to go back to that store. If this were a "Twilight Zone" (the 80's version) episode I would go back tomorrow and there'd be a KFC in its place and I would be all spooked and in disbelief and then I would go home and my furniture would be gone.10/10/98
I was doing some shopping around the neighborhood and stepped in Genovese. I was really excited because for the past 3 months I've been wanting one of those plastic organizers for make-up that a teen would have in their room. But no one seems to sell them at any of the drug stores around here. That's why it's wise to make the rounds at all the local stores once a week. The merchandise stays pretty much the same, but there's always a handful of new stock. Well, I was very excited to find "caboodles" in like 7 different varieties. I got a black one with glitter and a daisy hologram. Nice. But the reason I'm mentioning Genovese is that I spied this guy there who stuck out like a sore thumb. I live in one of the blandest neighborhoods imaginable so if someone's speaking English without an accent or not wearing Tommy Hilfiger, I take notice. He wasn't my type, he had a labrette piercing and scruff on his chin, but I was interested in figuring out his deal. I was thrown because I couldn't pinpoint what his style was. He wasn't grungy/alternative, he wasn't an indie/hipster type, he was sort of punk in that pegged jean, sweatshirt with patches and safety pins way, but more polished. He was tall and thin with short, messy dyed-black hair, dark-rinsed levis, weird shoes that were like boots and tennis shoes all in one, a pullover sweatshirt thing that was sort of fleecy, and had a bunch of metal bracelets on one arm. I decided to follow him around and vibe him, but he wouldn't respond in any way, shape or form. After about 10 minutes I figured out that he was gay. Now, I'm not saying that just because some guy doesn't pay attention to me it means he must be gay. But you know how you get the feeling someone's looking at you and even if you're not interested, there's a certain tilt of the head, or half-smile, or eye twitch or whatever that shows you've acknowledged each other. I wasn't getting any sort of "guy" hit off him, but I kept trailing him just for fun. Then the registers kept breaking down and there were 3 lines wrapped around the store so I got his line and there were just these two Puerto Rican girls buying Secret deodorant between us. Five minutes would go by and like one person would be helped and the registers would break again, so we ended up in line for seriously about 20 minutes and I could never get him to make eye contact with me. But I was able to scrutinize his purchases. A 2 liter of Coke, a bottle of Gatorade, one of those Snapple "Whipper Snapples", a bag of white chocolate Nestles crunches, a "Teen People" (gay), a bag of Utz cheddar and sour cream chips, and 2 tubes of fake blood. Maybe he really liked junk food or maybe he was going to a party. Who knows. I was buying my caboodle, a pack of vanilla incense and a bottle of acidophillus. I was tempted to follow him to see if he actually lived in the neighborhood (if you didn't there would be no point in shopping there) and see what kind of people he hung around, but I didn't. I just wanted to go home and take in the beauty of my caboodle. Oh, plus I finally found a coat. Not a bad day.10/8/98
My sister used to say that people were ugly. I thought that was harsh, but there is some truth in it. People really are ugly. I know I get in rotten moods sometimes and today was one of those days, but every little thing was getting on my nerves. One of these things was people's faces. There really is no reason for people to have such poor self-esteem. A good exercise would be to simply ride public transportation or walk down any street and look around. People are grotesque. Their clothes are ill-fitting, they need hair cuts and colors, the features on their faces are horrible and disproportionate. It makes me wonder how everyone survives in the world. The unsavory must know some secret. At least 8 out of every 10 people are a far cry from attractive. I'm not implying that I'm one of the lovely 20% of the population. I'm not at the top of the heap, but I'm not completely beastly. Things that really make me crazy: 1). Everyone coughing and snotting on the subway. 2). People who sleep in public (I know I said that I've fallen asleep on the subway, but that was the middle of the night and I was more passing-out than sleeping. That's o.k.). Don't they know how horrible they look? I've never seen a peaceful expression on the face of a subway sleeper. Every single one looks sour and like they're in pain. It's bad enough to have to look at them, but having a doser next to you is just as irritating. Almost every day someone falls asleep next to me and last week I had sleepers on both sides. If one more person's head starts drowsily nodding toward me I'm going to punch them in the kidneys. This isn't only related to subways. I can't tolerate people who sleep in parks, in break rooms at their jobs, and on couches in their college lobby. And I also have some contempt for people who fall asleep in chairs watching TV. Turn it off and go to bed! Maybe if you weren't staying up all night watching TV you could stay awake on the subway. 3). People who put on their make-up on the subway. I don't mean touching up powder or lipstick. I'm talking about people who bring their whole fucking make-up bag and start from the ground up. I don't know why this bothers me so much, but I just can't stand people doing their mascara, eyelining, and lip penciling in front of me. I always secretly hope the subway will jerk and they'll mess up. I f you can't get up early enough to do your make-up then you don't deserve to wear it. 4). There could be an explanation for this and I'm just not understanding because I'm not a New Yorker. People who walk through the subway cars. What are they looking for? It's not a seat because there'll be tons of open ones and these people won't sit down. It's like they have some obsessive/compulsive disorder. I have a problem with people who can't sit still in general. 5). People who stand, but refuse to hold on to anything. Like they'll have a coffee in their hands and be reading and just standing there. You know that any sudden movement is going to cause them to stumble and if that hot coffee gets anywhere near me I'll lose it. O.k. I've mellowed out a little since I wrote this this morning. I just realized that I haven't had a cigarette in 24 hours and maybe that's why I'm feeling like beating people up. Or maybe not, the other night I was having all these dreams where I was punching people. Somebody needs anger management classes (and a carton of cigarettes--it's not even a health issue, I'm just too poor right now to be blowing money that way).10/7/98
I don't know what's wrong with me. I type all stinkin' day at my job, but today I had to take this computer test at this job interview for a job that I don't really want and I totally messed up and got 39 errors. This publisher has 3 openings one working with travel books, one with true crime/mystery, and one with fiction (but not real fiction, like Oprah fiction). They asked me what I read and I said I liked Flanery O'Connor so they're giving my resume to the fiction editor, but I'd seriously rather work on O.J. Simpson books than "Bridges of Madison County" crap. And it equals out to paying less than I'm getting temping. I really hate things sometimes. I guess they liked me well enough because they let me re-take the "Beginning Word 97 Test" a second time. I still got 30 errors. Good: At least I didn't have to go to work today. Bad: It's really starting to get cold and I can't find a goddamn coat anywhere that's right. I found these Kenneth Cole ones that were o.k. but they were brown and I want black. Then I found one black one and of course it was a small. How come the last anything on a rack is small? The thing is like every 5 seconds I pass by someone on the street wearing a coat I like. Where are these people shopping?!10/5/98
This morning I got behind this Asian midget from my neighborhood. He seems to pop up a lot. I was in a hurry and he was walking slow so I went to pass him on his left and didn't brush him or anything, but he fell flat on his face. I felt terrible. Normally I laugh when ppeople fall (even the handicapped), but this wasn't funny for some reason. I hate asking people if they're o.k. so I just kept walking, but feeling responsible like my bad energy knocked him down.10/4/98
Not very eventful. Someone new moved in next door so they put the ratty furniture that was left behind on the sidewalk. I took this brown vinyl chair that looks like it belongs in some 70's waiting room. It's not exactly my style, but I'm getting tired of sitting and eating on my bed so it'll have to do. Made pumpkin soup. I've decided that'll be my new fall, Sunday ritual. (making soup) I'm really turning into some old lady.10/3/98
I got it in my head that I needed a winter coat so I decided to walk to this mall/shopping area about an hour's walk from where I live. I know I could've just taken a subway into Manhattan, but a walk seemed like a good thing. I didn't want to waste my saturday lying on my bed, smoking, and watching bad TV. I ended up walking for 3 and a half hours and not finding a coat I liked (I couldn't afford to buy one anyway). It's good to just get out and walk like a mentally ill person. It makes me feel like a Forest Gump, but I like it. After I was outside for about 10 minutes I realized that it wasn't cold enough for a coat yet, anyway. I got all sweaty from wearing a jean jacket and brisk walking. I got home and was bored so I was watching PBS(?) Is that what they still call it? Public broadcasting. But I couldn't believe it, at 9:00 they were airing my favorite movie in the whole world, "Billy Liar"! It made my day. I've already seen it like 25 times, but it doesn't matter. I can always watch it again. To be completely pointless, I'd never noticed that the opening shot is of a clock pointing to 9:00 and this is the first time that I'd ever seen it at 9 sharp. A mere coincidence? No way. I made three whiskey sours with the last of a bottle of whiskey, but then I decided that that wasn't enough and took $20 out of my account (leaving me with $2.64 til next fri.) so I could buy a 22 oz. beer. Sometimes I wonder about my priorities. But I saved $3 today by not taking the bus and in the pocket of my jacket I found a Metrocard that I'd forgotten about since I hadn't worn it since I first got here in June so I felt justified in buying one stinkin' beer. Then they put another good movie on that I'd never seen, "A Patch of Blue". I'd never seen it before, but it seemed appropiate after "Billy Liar" style/era-wise. I'm watching it right now, but it's a story about a blind young girl and her relationship with Sidney Poitier. It seems a little risque for the times. A white teen kissing a black man and words like bitch and nigger being thrown about. It's really pretty good, or maybe that's the cheap beer talking.10/1/98
Bad: came home from work and I could hear noises in my apt. At first this freaked me out and then I thought about it and figured that it was the owner's son clanging around. But that still wasn't cool because what the hell was he doing just being in there and no one telling me. I hate landlords. I was totally starving, but instead of just walking in I went back out and killed some time at the 99 cent store. I come back and the landlord is there apologizing for going in but she doesn't have my number (I never gave it to her) and then asks about the rent. i've never slacked on rent, bills, etc. but I've never been this poor. I got paid today so I mailed the check today, but I told her I mailed it yesterday. Who cares. Now I've got $20 til next fri. The only thing I can do to save money is quit smoking (at least for a week). How am I supposed to go out this weekend with 20 bucks (and not smoke).Good: Went out at lunch and saw Hulk Hogan marching around the street like 20 ft. away. The World Wrestling Foundation was doing some promo thing in front of the New York Stock Exchange. I can't say that I understood it, but it was entertaining.