Secretly Suburban (and loving it)

I've been hankering to move for a while now. It's high time, and the only respectable thing to do. Even so, it's got me to thinking. It's strange how your upbringing affects your choices and taste even as you grow or move in different directions. You can take the girl out of the suburbs but you can't take the suburbs out of the girl. No matter where I go or what I end up doing there are some ingrained preferences that I'll never be able to rid myself of. I'm simultaneously horrified and comforted by suburban sprawl. It's one of my weaknesses. Whenever I visit large cities, I end up missing open spaces. I love long multi-laned streets, strip malls, business parks, pedestrian unfriendly environments, chain restaurants, blandness, sameness. It's nice to know exactly what you're in for. You're not likely to experience anything profound or unique, but you're not going to be disappointed by any unexpected or unwanted suprises (Well, my stepsister claims that once they ran out of cheese at the local Pizza Hut. This really had my dad seeing red [and he wasn't even there when it happened], so I guess there is some room for disappointment in the suburbs.

Sometimes I get nervous because there's a tiny part of me that could be content living with some guy (o.k., married, or maybe perpetually engaged--it's so cool to say, "my fiance so-and-so") in a house we owned, driving a new car (maybe one of those Saturns), and having full-time decent paying jobs (he'd make a little more than me, of course). We'd eat at restaurants like The Olive Garden, Red Lobster, and T.G.I.Friday's. Afterwards, we'd go see the latest movies at the local multi-plex (he'd complain about me making him watch "chick flicks" but it would all be in good fun and I'd give in to the occasional shoot 'em up) and pay full price. We'd have decent sex maybe 2 or 3 times a week, but usually less--after our long hours at the office the energy just isn't there. I'd apologize for neglecting him and try to spice things up by blndfolding him and tying him up with dishtowels. Usually though, I would just hang out in bed and read in my big t-shirt and sweatpants while he watched "The Tonight Show" or Nick at Night ('50's reruns are funny, no?). Weekends would be our time to dream and make plans. A deck would be nice. We'd go to Home Depot and check out the lumber, I'd get sidetracked in the gardening section--wouldn't a dogwood tree look pretty in the front yard? I'd think about picking up some nice things for the kitchen so we'd head for the mall. We'd browse through Pottery Barn and Kitchen Kaboodle. I'd select a large blue fruit bowl made out of some glass from Mexico. On the way home we'd pick up a gourmet pizza (that means that there's garlic and/or chicken on it) from Round Table. Sunday night would come to a close with us snuggling on the couch and laughing at old clips on VH-I's "Pop Up Videos". Did I ever really think that Thompson Twin guy was cute?

O.k., I couldn't do it, but from time to time I get weird urges. Really. There's like a 9% chance that I could end up like that if I stay here much longer. In reality, a much more inevitable scenario would involve an outrageously priced fixer-up home, pet dogs, microbrews, mountain biking, a "vegetarian" diet that still included fish and chicken, and a smart, but humorless husband (well, not completely humorless--those "Kill Your Television" bumper stickers make him chuckle). I'm scared, but not scared enough to completely sever my suburban roots. No matter what happens in my life I will always enjoy the following guilty pleasures.

Discount Stores Rule

The world has gone crazy, if you ask me. There was a time when shopping at thrift stores was cheap and you could get cool things that you couldn't find at retail stores. Maybe it's different all over, but those days seem to be gone. Hepcat, retro-kids have been infiltrating the thrift scene and making my life a living hell. You can drive miles from a city and see all these alternateens scouring the aisles for their hipster-doofus clothes. "Hi, I have 20/20 vision but I wear horn-rim glasses". God bless the Marilyn Manson youth, they keep their mitts off of anything that'd catch my eye. Cocktail Nation all but ruined it for housewares and kitsch. I love the 80's, but it's the under 20 crowd who's snatching up Atari's and Devo records. Don't get me wrong, Keene paintings are great, vintage dresses are a-o.k., I've got a cupboard full of adorable shot glasses and drink shakers. You wanna talk new wave and skinny ties? I'm your gal. But there comes a time in a girl's life when she must embrace the here and now. I'm telling you, it's all about the 90's. You want retro? Try Ross Dress for Less, they've got clothes from like mid 1997!

Suggested Stores

Ross, T.J. Maxx, and Marshalls for marked down clothing, shoes, housewares, jewelry, bath accessories, and even gift-type food (but don't waste your time on it, I'll fill you in on creepy, cheap eats in a minute).

Mervyn's (of California, as it's called these days) is very good for basics like underwear, socks, jeans, towels, and bags. Their shoes are not terribly unstylish either, and reasonably priced for the working girl. I think this is where my step-mother buys her entire wardrobe. It's easy, she just chooses various colored sweatsuits in the husky boy's section and she's good to go. this is also where a high percentage of my Christmas presents come from, which is displeasing. Even though I'm singing Mervyn's praises I could do without the "Little House on the Prairie" nightgowns.

Target stands alone. This place has it all. I absolutely love it. It's not stuff that you can't find anywhere else, but there's just so much of it and all under the same roof. Cheap clothes, electronics, junk food, automotive paraphernalia, you name it. I even like their cornball commercials with Scott Hamilton. The one thing they didn't have that I wanted was cheesecloth, but I'll forgive them.

They're so ingenious that they came up with The Lullaby Club and Club Wedd. You get to pick up a bar code scanner and scan any item you want added to your gift list. It's so simple and fun. Now, I want to get married and have a baby thanks to Target. But it doesn't end there. There's an entire section devoted to Club Wedd where you can get all sorts of tips on setting up your new house together, how to find your couple style (and what to do if you have different tastes--this could be a problem), listen to a wedding cd sampler to pick the right music, look at bridal make-up tips, and discover how to include children in the wedding. And this is merely a fraction of what they offer.

The Lullaby Club is no less exciting. There's a bulletin board type thing where you can see what customers have named or plan to name their babies. It's all so adorable. Here's my personal favorite, "Azra--Azra is a sexual assult (sic) councler (sic) for children and she helped me alot in the last past two years. I plan on naming my first born daughter after her!!!!!! Thank you Azra!!!!!!"

I became very jealous when I found out that the mid-west has 55 target Greatlands, which are 69% bigger than the regular Target. That's not all, there are also SuperTargets which include a deli, pharmacy, florist, bakery, bank, and a photo mini-lab! That's reason enough to move right there.

Target has a good make-up section, but save your money for Drug Emporium [update: I don't think it exists anymore]. This store is the shit. There's only two in the entire state and I'll drive 30-40 minutes to reach one. Everything's cheap at toiletries central. You've got your hair products, medicine, condoms, magazines, seasonal candy, and make-up, of course. The have all the drug store standards, and a huge sesction to boot. You cannot walk away empty handed. I'm not glamour puss, but I recently noted that I had over 40 lipsticks, 6 different shampoos, and about 20 bottles of nail polish. My bathroom drawers are a beauty consultants's nightmare. I have 3 curling irons (one with 4 attachmets) and I don't even curl my hair. I blame it on Drug Emporium's addictive nature. Even their background music is good.

After all this shopping you're bound to work up an appetite. That's when you head over to the Canned Food Outlet. Don't let the name fool you, they have much, much more than canned foods. It's like stepping onto the isalnd of misfit toys (except it's food, not toys. Duh). Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Jello, minature, non-melting Hershey bars left over form Desert Storm (don't worry--they're not still there), frozen food you've seen in grocery stores, but in flavors you've never heard of, and packages in languages other than English. My ultimate find was 99 cent Rainbow Rim wine in chocolate flavor. (For those not in the know, Rainbow Rim is like a lower grade Boone's Farm). I was used to seeing the typical flavors, fruit punch, kiwi, coconut-pineapple, and in their respective neon colors, red, green, and blue. But I was schocked and amazed to see a bottle of brown, candy flavored wine, and a such as resaonable price. Of course I had to have it. I've got a reputation for drinking anything I can get my hands on, but this was too much. Way too much. It was as of someone put a bunch of tootsie rolls in a jug of cheap chardonnay and let it steep for a couple months. Nasty. I passed it on to someone more undiscriminating than myself. Canned Food Outlet is good for hours of cheap entertainment. Heck, they even take food stamps.

Next time: How to Pick a restaurant. a.k.a. Keno and Two fers