Tonight on the Late Show
This is part of a poster I was given that advertised the show. Somebody swiped the picture of Maggie!
Pipsqueek and his trained Pigs
(you
=ve never seen anything like this)Maggie the Marvelous
( does she or doesn
=t she? Tune in and see)Admiral Nelson
(noted scientist sailor and his theory of happy clams)
Vs.
Admiral Tobin
(noted Naval officer refutes Nelson's theory as 'ridiculous')
Hey, we told you it would be a good show. Tune in. The night is just beginning.
Lee, it was a great show, I wish you had been able to watch it. Those pigs were amazing and Miss M. certainly lived up to her name. I
=ve never seen such jointed dexterity. A true contortionist of the highest order, and astounding magic tricks.Tobin finally put his foot in his mouth, and most of the audience agreed with my theory. Very satisfying considering all of the negative press.
I
=ve waited a long time for public recognition of my theory, am am a bit surprised I was approached by Mr. L. himself.Anyway, I
=m being wined and dined by the show=s producers and am having a great time. You were right. I needed to get away from the routine for a while.How are you doing with the
>tiger cruise=? I know we=ve never invited family members aboard before for a >fake= cruise, but I=m sure it will cheer the crew up immensly. I=m surprised Morton opted to take his shore leave early. A Montana dude ranch was it? Well, I=m sure you and O=Brian can handle the mom=s, dads=, kids, and a couple of grandparents too I think...well, have to run now, Miss Maggie and I are going out for a late night snack. See you soon,Nelson.***
Dear Admiral Nelson,
Thanks for letting us have a great trip to and from Catalina Island. Uncle Francis says your boat doesn
=t leak, but I still think you should have some silly putty handy . I gave him all the bubble gum I had to put in 'stores', but I don=t think he liked the idea. I know the captain didn=t. He sure could use some lessons in social behavior.So what if Timmy decided to explore one of the
>ballast= tanks and sent the captain into a hissy fit. Gee Whiz, Tim wasn=t drowning or anything, in fact, he=d actually left the room by then. So he forgot to close the tank hatch. We were surfacing by then anyway, we were only lopsided a bit, that=s all. But Captain Crane looked like he was ready to toss the kid overboard!And It wasn
=t our fault one of the toilets busted when somebody didn't follow the instructions of the 'signal ejector' and we all had to plug our noses for a while while it got fixed. You=d think a boat this fancy would have a better waste disposal system anyway. Cheech, a stupid pump! I see that kind on my grandad=s ancient sailboat! Yuk!And your windows! They sure could use a good cleaning. Really scummy on the outside...I know we got to go on this cruise before you put the sub into port for some maintainance as Uncle Francis calls it, but don
=t you have a robot or diver or something to clean your windows once in a while?You sure could use a new computer too. Good Grief, it takes up the whole wall! Ok, so a fancy boat needs a lot of bytes, but surely you of all people would know how to ...oh, sorry. Uncle Francis just said your computer is top of the line and I don
=t know what I=m talking about and shouldn't be writing to you at all but I told him all about the 5th Ammendment and I'm writing you anyway....well, I have to go now, we=re sending our letters to you via the mailbag. I wanted to put this in a bottle to see what happened. Or send it by way of dolphin..anyway,thanks again.
Next time, though, can you just invite us kids, and keep the mom
=s away and let us drive the boat ourselves? They kept on an on about nothing important, like a bunch of gossipy old hens, except for when they started to talk about how tight some of your officer's pants are. Seems just about all of the women like them that way. Some of the husbands weren't too thrilled about their observations, especially as they weren't the men in question. Really stupid. You guys do eat pretty well aboard, so of course the clothes are going to get tight…but your men really ought to exercise once in a while!And then that one lady couldn't wait, and had her baby right there in the control room!! Boy was the captain pissed, I could tell! His acting first officer who he'd drafted to help in the emergency fainted, so it was up to him, being the only officer there at the time, and most of the stations weren't manned except for a few men, and boy were they ever green. One guy threw up. But It was over before the ladies got to the control room, having been in the missile room at the time. The captain called them on the mike, the corpsman too, keeping his cool. The ladies made a fuss of course,when they got to the scene in a few minutes, but the captain looked pretty disgusted. Of course there was blood and goop all over his hands and shirt, and I think he wasn't too thrilled about the deck being so untidy.
The corpsman said it wasn't that uncommon for some kids to come flank speed, the lady hardly had a normal labor, he called it, at all. 'Ohh, ouch, eech!', and out pops the kid. She was schrieking though. I gotta remember to tell my mom I'll clean my room. It's the least I can do.
Shane Sharkey
4th grade/almost 5th
***
Well Howdy Lee,
Here I am riding, roping, and playing at being a cowboy, breathing in wholesome fresh air laced with manure. I
=m discovering to my regret this vacation is not what I expected, though there are some side benefits.Like plenty of 36-22-36's if you know what I mean.
I discovered, to my surprise, that falling off my horse my very first day here got me more dates than being an
>accomplished= rider. In fact, mycontinuing >owies= are still getting kissed, and I find myself being coddled, almost as much as before, though I have been told I should be able to take that long trek up into the mountains. A bit nervous about that. Not about the ride, but that 42-24-36 and 36-20-34 are going too. Between them, I feel like a prize bull at auction. Meanwhile 36-22-36 waits back at the ranch for my safe return. So I finally get to see what it=s like to be you at the institute! Hah hah.Well, the chopper
=s just landed and I have to get this off...yeah, pretty fancy ranch isn=t it?Chip
PS. How did Seaview survive the Tiger Cruise?
How did you?
***
Capt. Log
Finally arrived back in port, safe and sound, no thanks to the passengers, who seemed bent on putting Seaview
>through her paces= and driving me nuts. And reducing me to using crayon for the log!Never never never never again will I agree to allow Seaview to be used for any kind of family outing!
To my amazment, I have discovered that I am very grateful indeed to be unmarried and childless, especially after I had to help deliver Mrs. Keytes baby! Apparently she'd miscalculated and was not prepared.
It was coming so fast, I thought it would be better propriety to have O'Brian, a married man ,help her in the emergency, while waiting for Frank from sickbay, but as soon as the head showed, about 2 seconds after she screamed it was coming, he fainted. Everybody on TV always says 'how beautiful', 'how wonderful' childbirth is, but I thought it was the most disgusting thing I've ever seen!
I'm a military man. I've seen blood, I've seen gore, but nothing like this mess! And the kid! It was hard to lie to the woman, but at least I didn't say the baby had the ugliest leer I'd ever seen!
In other matters, one little boy, Timmy, had opened a balast tank hatch, dove in, took a swim , climbed out, and then apparenly had dripped all over the deck, causing puddles and wet spots, which I found to my chagrin sometime later by accident. My ankle is only twisted. Then, it turned out, he
=d either forgotten or didn=t care to close the ballast tank hatch. So naturally we shipped water and sudenly lurched starboard but were able to surface, lopsided, thinking we=d sprung a leak someplace.Seaman Baker is probably in torment, thinking I
=ll hold him responsible for the kid=s foolishness. Perhaps I will. All crew members were instructed to give family members preliminary rules of behavior. But, I guess its kind of hard to keep an eye on your kid if you=re at your post...and it was a skeleton crew after all, so I=ll just give him a warning about next time...which I sincierely hope there won=t be. If there is, I=m taking shore leave like Chip had the foresight to do. I wonder if Nelson took up the 'nite show 'invite to be convieniently away?One of the mom
=s didn=t read the head instructions, and it took a full half hour for clean up. They=re simple instructions, but did she bother to ask if she had a question?Shane Sharkey is a boy after my own heart. Shameless in his opinions, despite 'uncle
= Sharkey' hovering in the background, desperate to keep me from making the boy walk the plank! Shane has written to Admiral Nelson at the hotel, and I can only imagine the contents. To him I, of course, am Captain Bligh, and Nelson >s sub is >not what she=s cracked up to be=. It=s hard not to respect the boy=s sheer audacity. In a way, he kind of reminds me of me!We now have a supply of bubble gum on reserve to use in case of leaks...hmm. Tuti Fruity, I wonder.
***
THE PLAZARIA HOTEL
NEW YORK
ADM.NELSON
NIMR
SANTA BARBARA,CA
ENCLOSED IS A CHECK FOR $15,000 WE HOPE WILL COVER THE EXPENSES AND LOSS OF YOUR SPECIMEN CLAMS.
WE APOLOGISE FOR THE MISUNDERSTANDING AMONGST OUR CATERING STAFF AND ARE DEEPLY UPSET OVER THE LOSS OF YOUR EXPERIMENTAL BIVALVES.
WE ARE CONCERNED,HOWEVER,OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SIDE EFFECTS OUR CLIENTEL MAY HAVE OR WILL INCURE DUE TO THE CONSUMPTION OF THE SAID CLAMS.
PLEASE RESPOND AS SOON AS POSSIBLE AS ONE LADY IS ACTING WEIRD, AND INSISTS SHE'S A MERMAID, ANOTHER CAN'T STOP HICUPPING, AND A CHILD IS ACTUALLY BEHAVING BY SAYING 'YES SIR, AND 'YES MA'AM TO HIS PARENTS. IN ALL THREE CASES, THE AFORESAID CLAMS HAD BEEN CONSUMED. ONE SERVING WAS BROILED, ONE WAS FRIED, AND ANOTHER WAS EATEN RAW, SO PREPARATION IS NOT TO BLAME FOR THIS UNSUAL BEHAVIOR. OF COURSE THE CLIENTS FAMILY'S INSINUATIONS COULD BE FRAUDULENT.
OUR LAWYERS HAVE ADVISED US TO WAIT BEFORE ISSUING A WRIT AS YOU MAY HAVE IN YOUR EXPERIMENTS CONSUMED SAID EXPERIMENTAL CLAMS AND HAVE MEDICAL EVIDENCE ABOUT POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECTS OR PROOF OF NON-TOXICITY.
THE PLAZA STAFF ENJOYED YOUR DEMO/TALK ON THE LATE SHOW, AND DEEPLY REGRETS THIS MISUNDERSTANDING.
SINCERELY,
I.A.M. CHEDDAR
AKA 'THE BIG CHEESE'
***
DEAR POP,
WELL, LOOKS LIKE ALL THOSE CLAM CASES WERE A BUNCH OF HOOEY. GOOD THING THE ADMIRAL TOOK IT ALL TO JUDGE JUDY1 SHE SURE GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF IT! AND ONLY A DAY AFTER HE CALLED THE STATION.
FIRST, HE HAS PROOF OF HIS GREAT THEORIES, THEN A HOTEL MANAGES TO LOOSE HIS PRIZE SPECIMENS, AND SOME GREEDY PEOPLE TRY TO MAKE OUT AS IF IT'S HIS FAULT THEY'RE ACTING STRANGE. YEAH SURE, ACTING STRANGE TO BILK HIM OUT OF MOOLAH!
GOOD THING HE AND MISS ANGIE HAD EATEN SOME AFTER HE'D FINISHED WITH THE EXPERIMENTS AWHILE BACK! AND NOBODY CAN ACCUSE THEM OF ACTING WEIRD!
ANYWAY, THE TIGER CRUISE IS OVER, SURE WISH YOU COULD HAVE BEEN HERE, IT WAS A LOT OF FUN. I HAD A GREAT TIME. I EVEN GOT TO SHOW OFF A BIT, I'M NOT ASHAMED TO SAY. I AM PRETTY WELL RESPONSIBLE FOR A BUNCH OF STUFF AND THE SKIPPER ASKS ME TO TAKE CHARGE A LOT.
I DON'T THINK LT. O'BRIAN WAS TOO THRILLED THOUGH. NOT A GLOWING RECOMMENDATION, TO FAINT AT THE SIGHT OF A WOMAN GIVNG BIRTH. THE SKIPPER WAS NOT IN A GOOD MOOD, AFTER DELIVERING THE BABY HIMSELF.
HE STAYED PRETTY MOODY, WHICH IS NORMAL FOR HIM , EVEN THOUGH THERE WERE A COUPLE OF GREAT LOOKING CHICKS ABOARD! A COUPLE OF RILEY'S FRIENDS WERE ALLOWED TO COME ALONG SINCE RILEY'S FOLKS COULDN'T MAKE IT.
SKIPPER'S HAVING TO USE CRAYON FOR THE LOG AS THE PENICLS AND PENS HAVE SUDDENLY GONE MISSING, AND ALL WE COULD FIND WAS A PINK CRAYON.
I DON'T THINK THE SKIPPER IS GOING TO GIVE THE ADMIRAL A GOOD REPORT!
WELL, I GOTTA GET THIS IN THE MAILBAG SO SEE YOU IN A MONTH.
LOVE,
SKI
***
The Plazaria Hotel
Dear Lee,
Well, by now you've heard the good news. My theories are now finally going to be put to use in the seafood industry and the fraudulent lawsuits against me have been dismissed. I'm getting rather used to being cited for this or that by people who want money.
I'm going to another Broadway show with Maggie. She's really enchanting!
Oh, yes, just to let you know, I've decided Seaview will have a tiger cruise on a regular basis but I haven't decided if it should be once a year or quarterly. What do you think? Great PR isn't it! And I'm sure you all really enjoyed it.
Well, I'll be back in town in about a week. I've decided to take a bit of extra time for that R&R doc keeps pestering me about. So, I've arranged for a visit to Seaview by the Elms Elementary School before you have to put her in refit. Catalina or a quick run to Diego or back, you choose. Expecting a good report! You know , I should really charge admission! As it is the mayor is thrilled and will be along for the ride.
See you soon,
Nelson