Seeing Green
(Sequel to ‘Secret Agent Man’)
Author’s note: Warning! Warning! This is a risqué’
story, contains mature innuendo, with ‘anatomically correct ’
and slang terminology, and a few rather intense dramatic scenes, but it is
not intended to shock your sensibilities. The story takes place
within a few months of ‘Secret Agent Man’.
By
Carol Foss
“You’re looking well this
morning,” Angie said as Admiral Nelson entered the ground floor lobby of NIMR,
“Did you have a good time at the Dude Ranch, sir?”
“Splendid! I’ll take that box,
Miss McPherson,” he entered the elevator with her.
“How was the fried
rattlesnake, sir?”
He grinned, “I can’t say I
liked it. Must be a mental block. Everybody
else said it was very tasty, and I must admit it did taste a little bit like
chicken.”
“Perhaps it’s an acquired
taste?”
“Perhaps,” he said as the
elevator opened onto Officer’s Row and they walked towards his suite.
***
Lt. Cmdr. Chip Morton looked
at his watch again in NIMR’s
conference room, and shook his head. “I
guess we’d better get started. Now, you all have the new specs and....” “Sorry
I’m late,” interupted Cmdr. Crane, “please continue Mr. Morton.”
“As I was saying, the new
specs....are you all right Captain?” he asked as Lee had finally made it to his
chair and gingerly sat down, wincing as he did so.
“I had a minor accident over
the weekend.”
“Cheesh,” Ensign Connor
muttered to Lt. O’Brian, “You’d think Nelson would’ve put him on the sick list,
let him sleep in or something...”
“It wasn’t that kind of accident,”
Crane said, and sighed, “My hearing is excellent gentlemen. You may as well
know. I’ve never ridden a horse in my life. Something startled it on the trail
and it threw me. Right on top of a cactus patch,” he chuckled, “I spent most of
the time at that Dude Ranch pulling needles out of my tusch.”
Lt. O’Brian interrupted the
laughter in the room. “Are you sure you got them all, Skipper? “It’s kind of
important, I mean, I’ve heard of some pretty nasty infections from cactus quills.”
“I’m fine. I’m sure I got most of
the ones the nurse missed. She smothered me in so much Iodine none would dare
try to make me sick.”
“Gentlemen,” Morton said, “If
we can return to the business at hand?”
“Sorry, Chip. Go ahead.”
“As I was saying...”
“Excuse me,” Angie’s voice came
over the intercom, “Will Captain Crane please report to Admiral Nelson.”
It was slow going for Crane
to even lean over far enough to reach the intercom. Morton finally did it for
him, “He’ll be right there Ang.”
“Thanks,
carry on,” Lee said as he practically hobbled out. At least Nelson’s office was
just across the hall.
“Maybe Frank should take a
look at him,” Ensign Connor said. “I mean, just to be on the safe side.”
“Belay that,” Morton said. “He
said he was fine. Now, let’s get back to business. The new specs were designed
by Heath and Sons and...”
“Is the Skipper with you?” Chief
Jones’ voice interrupted from the PA,“we got a glitch down here and....”
“He’s with the Admiral. What’s
the problem?” Morton asked.
“Uh, no thanks sir. We’ll
wait for him.”
“As I was saying,” Morton
continued after a moment, “The...”
“Chip?” Nelson’s voice came
through, “when you’re done there, I’ll need the last two hull inspection logs
and the......oh? Thanks, Lee. Never mind.”
If Morton was perturbed at
this latest interruption he gave no sign of it. “Now, the reconfiguration
follows the same basic design plans but with one or two exceptions. These
should allow for a higher efficiency and...”
“I’m sorry to interrupt,
Chip,” Angie’s voice said, “but the University Whale Watchers Club is here for
their private tour. I told them you’d been delayed but...”
“I’ll be right there. We’re
done here, unless that is, there’s an earthquake or a tsunami or some other
damn thing to interrupt us!” he clicked off the intercom. “We’ll try again tomorrow
at 1000 if that’s not too early for
anyone for anyone to get here on time. Dismissed gentlemen.”
“Ouch,” Ensign Connors
whispered. “What gave him a wedgie
all of a sudden?”
***
“Well” Dr. Sarah Wilson said,
“I think it might have been better to
destroy the animal, than to just let it vegetate here.”
“Somehow,” Chip bent down and
rubbed the whale’s tongue, “I don’t think Hugo would agree. He’s been
domesticated all his life. We did try to teach him the basics, but he was
already a crusty old codger when we bid for him at
“Just like me,” Admiral
Nelson appeared, “Ladies, gentlemen, please feel free to wander around, ask
Commander Morton any questions. Good to see you again, Sarah,” he said with a
trace of irritation and motioned her to follow him, “I can’t believe you’re here merely to
tour the facilities.”
Chip didn’t even want to
envision the confrontation to come as the two vanished into the
***
“How’d the reconfiguration meeting
go?” a slightly flushed Nelson asked Chip in his office soon after Dr. Wilson’s
and her group’s departure.
“I’m afraid it didn’t. We ran
out of time before it really even started. I’ve rescheduled it for tomorrow.”
“Of course. Lee told me he
was late,” Nelson said then started to laugh, his good humor returned, “I wish
you could have been at Uncle Jack’s, Chip, I had no idea Lee knew so many epithets!
That Dude Ranch’s cactus patch wounded far more than his behind when the nurse
treating him happened to be a real looker. I’ve never seen him so embarrassed,
especially when she seemed to take an inordinate amount of time treating him.
Odd, I’ve never been able to figure out what women fine so damn appealing about
a man’s butt! You know,” he grinned, “from what I gather, even Miss McPherson
has a thing for yours...something
about you being in what did she call it...the ‘tight pant’s club’? I was just
starting to head out of the office one day, when I noticed she
and some of her friends looking out the window. It was raining, your uniform
was soaked, you had to bend down to pick up your cap, and, well, she liked what
she saw;they all did. Who can figure; Probably some
kind of hormonal thing. So, what’s the problem in Engineering?”
“How should I know? Curley wouldn’t tell me
anything, said he’d wait for the Captain.”
“You know, Chip,” Nelson said
after a moment, “if I didn’t know you better, I’d say by your tone that you’re
seeing a little green.”
“You...you think I’m jealous? Of Captain Crane?”
“A little. I know it’s taken
some time getting used to his way of doing things these few months, and maybe you’re
even a tad... resentful? Chip, he’s the obvious choice for Jones to call on about
the configuration conversion. Lee’s last
boat was built by Heath and Sons. He’s bound to be more familiar with their
system nuances, that’s all.”
“Of course, sir, I’m sorry I
sounded...well, it’s just...I think Curley could have at least told me what the
problem was. I’m not ignorant...”
“I’ll have a word with
him....”
“That won’t be necessary,
please sir...I can’t apologize enough. I didn’t mean to sound....”
Whatever Chip was going to
say was put on hold as the two emerged from Nelson’s inner office into the
outer. Crane was standing, leaning, rather, over Angie, arm braced against the
bookshelf. In Chip’s mind, the Captain looked like a panther, poised over its prey.
It didn’t help that Angie was positively bubbly, as she looked up at him,
explaining the intricacies of the staff scheduling system. Crane noticed the
men and smiled.
“Angie was just telling me
you have standing tee time at the Country Club, Admiral. I was wondering if you
might like a caddy or partner sometime? I’m probably worse at golf than
horseback riding, but I could use the exercise, once I can move faster than a
snail, that is.”
“That would be great, Lee,”
Nelson said, pleased. “I’ll look forward to it.” He nodded and returned to his
inner sanctum.
“I need your engineering
report, Captain,” Chip said.
“Oh, that. It was only a
small wiring disparity; the new motherboards will take care of it. I don’t
think a report’s required...”
“It’s SOP for NIMR. I need it
in triplicate for the files.”
“Very well. I’ll be right there,” Crane said but continued his
chat with Nelson’s Administrative Assistant. “So, Angie. How about that
kayaking trip with me in the
“I’ll be ready any time you
are Cap...Lee,” she corrected herself.
Crane flashed her a dazzling smile and preceded Chip to Morton’s office,
as the XO stood to one side, the picture of military courtesy.
When the two men got to
Morton’s office, Chip went over to the window, his back to Crane, his hands on
his hips.
“Well, where’re the forms?
Lee asked impatiently.
“There, in the top tray,” Morton
turned, frowning.
“Thanks....is something
wrong? You look like you swallowed a prune pit or something.”
“Nothing’s wrong Captain.”
“My name’s Lee, Chip. I’ve told
you that I pref...”
“I’m only used to calling my
friends by their given names, sir.”
“All right,” Crane said coolly,
and leaned his hands on the desk, “what gives? You can’t be upset because I
couldn’t drag myself to the meeting on time. In case you haven’t noticed, my
butt’s so sore I can hardly walk, drive, do anything....”
“You could have called. We
wasted over an hour waiting for you that we could have been doing other jobs.
Important jobs. And in case you’re
unaware of it, Angie’s my girl.”
“Angie didn’t menti..”
“And I’m the Engineering Officer for Seaview. You know that technical problems should be routed through to me before
taking up the Captain’s valuable time and...”
“But the Chief...”
“And I usually partner the Admiral
for golf, among other things.”
“So,” Lee leaned back against the wall. “That’s
what this is all about? I hadn’t taken you for the green eyed monster and/or
brown noser type. I wouldn’t have figured it of you...no, don’t bother to
explain. Okay then, I’ll give the Admiral my apologies about the golf game.
I’ll even tell Curley to bring up any minor engineering problems with you
first, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to cancel a date with the most beautiful
girl in the world because you think
you two are an item! If you were, she
would never had agreed to go out with me in the first place. Now, is there anything
else you don’t like about me that I
should be aware of?”
“And if there is?”
“I’d prefer you to tell me,
right here, right now,” Crane said coolly, “but if you want to keep it bottled
up, that’s your prerogative. But
whatever it is, I expect you to keep it outside of our working relationship. I
need an XO who doesn’t rely on stupid emotions over common sense, especially
when we’re at sea. Is that clear Commander Morton?”
“
“Good.”
“Fine.”
“I’ll be in my office if you
need me,” Crane said.
“I won’t.”
“Very well.”
***
“Honest,” Clarke said as he had
another beer with a group of his buddies at a local bar & grill that evening. “I
heard every word. I was installing that new paging system just outside in the corridor.
When the Skipper said he was damned if he’d cancel his date with Miss Angie I
thought Morton would blow a gasket. They
were at dagger points with each other all day.”
“Well I can’t blame Morton,”
Malone said, “after all, he’s been going out with her since
forever.”
“So why’d she accept the
Skip’s date?” Clarke asked, “I don’t see any engagement ring on her finger,
have you?”
“Maybe she’s just...”Ski
hesitated, “fishing.”
“Huh?”
“You know, ‘fishing’...for a
little more fun, a little more excitement,” Ski said, “Maybe she’s bored with
Morton. Wants a little more attention, some action, maybe she even wants to make
him jealous. I mean, all they seem to do together is have dinner, and the odd
movie. Here comes tall, dark, and handsome, a lean mean fighting machine, Secret
Agent, and Submarine Captain all rolled
into one, and he asks her out for a weekend of kayaking, a little sightseeing, and
even some cave diving in some of the most beautiful islands off the California
coast. ”
“Among other things too, I
bet,” Malone snorted.
“I hear Morton’s not exactly
milquetoast in that department...”Clarke said.
“Oh she knows that,” Ski
said, “But Crane asked her out, he
didn’t just assume she’d go out with him, like Morton does. Girls like to be...pursued a little. Trust me; I know what
I’m talking about.”
“Can’t disagree with you
there, sharp eyes!” Malone said.
“Ski,” Clarke said concerned,
“what if they don’t make it up, the Skip and Morton; it’s gonna be damn hard on
us if they keep spitting tacks at each other like they did today. Nelson’ll
have no choice but to decide between them, and how the hell’s he gonna’ be able
to that?”
“Look,” Ski said, “For all we
know they’ve already shook hands and put it all behind them. After all, they’re
career professionals. They’re not gonna’ toss it all away over a girl.”
“Ever hear of Helen of Troy?”
Clarke said. “There was a war started over her.”
“Miss Angie’s nice to look
at, but she’s hardly Helen of Troy,” Ski said.
“The Skipper called her the
most beautiful girl in the world,” Clarke said.
“We’re sunk,” Malone groaned.
***
“Then why?” Crane asked,
confused, as he sat across Nelson’s vast desk the next morning. “Why take on this expedition if you don’t
want to? And it’s out of your pocket; the University’s not involved. This Dr.
Wilson’s not even on the faculty anymore, you said.”
Nelson bit his lip then ran a
hand through his hair, “That’s beside the point. If she’s correct in her
assumptions about this seaweed spore mutation in the cross currents she’s been
investigating, it could be the key to ending world hunger. Lee, I designed Seaview
for missions just like this. Research, plain and simple. It was simply a quirk
that she’d developed into a missile carrier and has been a secret weapon most of
the time. Dr. Wilson just doesn’t have the resources for a more in depth
search. I’d be an idiot not to take this
on, even if there may be some difficulties,”
he added, deep in thought.
“Well,” Lee said, “I hope you
know what you’re doing. Professional differences aside, did you know Curley
called her the ‘Iron Matron’, and that he’s requesting shore leave for the
duration? Most of the crew is. Even Morton wants off, but I doubt that’s his
reason....”
“Admiral,” Angie’s voice came
over the PA, “Professor Wilson is here. I told her that the appointment was for
“Harriman,” the professors’
voice preceded her as she barged into Nelson’s office uninvited, “that stupid girl
and sailor at the desk said I had to wait and ....Lee?” she exclaimed, as Angie and Malone almost bumped into her
from behind.
“Sarah? Sarah Macklin?” Lee embraced her delightedly
and spun her around easily, “There’s got
to be some sort of mistake,” he said, “You can’t possibly be this ‘Iron Matron’!”
“Libeling? What are you doing here?
“I take it you two know each
other?” Nelson asked, “Liebling?”he
added, confused.
“It’s a term of endearment,
Harry. “It means ‘little loved one’. My German
grandmother doted on him. And the name rather stuck. We went to school together
when I lived in
“I was 13,” Lee explained, “It
began as a bet one of my chums made. At that age girls were downright spooky. A
kiss to prove my bravery to my pals was a huge undertaking. And I quite enjoyed it.”
“I fully expected him to
marry me and carry me off on his stupid sailboat to some far away land across
the sea, and give me a houseful of beautiful babies one day,” she smiled, “Then as now,” she looked at him with a soppy
grin, “he was a real cupcake!” she swatted
his behind.
“Agghhggh!” Crane gasped.
“And a big ham, it was just a little pat and.....” she noticed the
concern on everyone’s faces, “you....you’re’ not joking are you? What....”
“Sorry,” he caught his
breath, “a vicious cactus jumped up and attacked me over the weekend...long
story,” he tried to make light of it and regain a little composure.
“So,” she asked, “what are you doing here? You wouldn’t know a
paramecium from a protozoa! All you ever thought about were those damn submarines
and...Ahh, of course, you must be with Harry’s boat. Well I hope you don’t put the
new Captain’s nose out of joint. I hear he actually struck a crewman and...”
“Lee’s the new Captain,”
Nelson said quickly.
“Skipper?” Malone interrupted,
“maybe you should have Frank take a look at your uh, backside. You’re bleeding
a little.”
“What?” Crane tried to turn to
look at his rear, but
“Miss McPherson,” Nelson
said, frowning, “have Frank bring his bag to the Captain’s office; no argument,
Lee. Dr. Wilson, if you would please wait in the Visitor’s Center? I’ll have
Angie send for you as soon as it’s possible for me to see you. Malone, what are
you doing here? I didn’t ask for you.”
“I’m Dr. Wilson’s security
escort....”
“Yes, yes, sorry I forgot. You
can cancel those standing orders. Well, what’s everyone standing around waiting
for?”
***
“And,” Malone said, as he and
Clarke prepped the guest quarters aboard Seaview, “if the Admiral hadn’t
intervened, she probably would’ve ripped the Skipper’s pants off and ravished
him right there on the carpet.”
“Oh, c’mon!”
“Well, maybe not then and
there, but she sure looked at him like she wanted
to!”
“What about him? Is he interested? I wouldn’t have thought
she’s his type. It’s not that she’s unattractive, and a guy’d be blind not to
notice her hooters, but she sure ain’t that
great to look at.”
“He was real happy to see her, just the same. And he didn’t complain when she clung to him as they went to his
office. Yeah, and she didn’t come out until after
Frank had finished with him.”
***
“Now,” Crane told the
assembled officers in Seaview’s Wardroom, while the boat was being quickly stocked
for the
“Excuse me, sirs,” Malone
entered the room, “Mr. Morton, Dr.
“A7?” Morton said, “I chose her
quarters myself. It’s the best one we have.”
“Did she say what was wrong
with it?” Crane asked.
“No, but she was pretty insistent.”
“Give her anything she wants
if it keeps her off our backs,” he sighed, “...with your permission Captain?”
“Go ahead, Malone,” Crane
said.
“Right away Captain Cupcake...I
mean...oh shit,”the man turned a bright shade of red.
“Now, Malone?” Crane said, ignoring the embarrassing blunder.
“Yes sir,” the rating
vanished.
“Now, as I was saying,” Crane
tried to resume the meeting but it was a lost cause. The officers were valiantly
trying to hold back their amusement, but without much luck. It was only a
matter of seconds before they’d explode in laughter.
“We’ll resume after lunch,”
Crane rose with what was left of his dignity and vacated the conference,
leaving behind a room full of ribald laughter.
***
“He’s gonna’ kill me, I just
know it!” Malone said as he lugged another clothing bag toward Officer’s
Country. “Oh man how could I make such a stupid slip-up?”
“Watch it!” Nelson said, as
the man almost bumped into him as he turned the corner.
“Sorry, sir.”
“Are you all right? You look
ill.”
“Oh, he’s fine sir,” Ski said
from behind him, lugging a suitcase. “Just a case of open mouth, insert foot.”
“Wha...oh, never mind. How
much luggage can one woman have? We’re only going to be gone a couple of weeks,
if even. The area in question’s rather close.”
“Oh, this isn’t more of Dr. Wilson’s stuff,” Ski said, “this is Miss
Angie’s.”
“What?”
***
“All shipshape and
Morton nodded for the Chief
to leave and waited until he was gone before resuming his attention to Crane.
“No sooner than I get back
from lunch,” Chip said rather coolly, “and I hear Angie’s coming along this
cruise. What’s the matter, aren’t you getting enough excitement from one woman?
Now you want two to tango with?”
“Now, wait a minute. I don’t
like what you’re implying. Angie’s the Admiral’s administrative assistant isn’t
she? There’s bound to be a lot of paperwork she’ll have to sort through and
organize. It’ll save her time, and no doubt the Admiral’ll appreciate being
able to publish any findings as quickly as possible. I thought it was good
idea. I’m surprised you don’t want her aboard. And for your information Sarah
Macklin is an old friend, that’s all.”
“Could’ve fooled me, Captain Cupcake. Word’s out that she
never left your side when Frank had to pull your pants down and...”
“She went next door through
the ‘tween door to your office to make a couple of phone calls, for Pete’s sake.
I’m really surprised at you Chip, think what you will about me, but she’s not that coarse.”
“She’s besotted with you!”
“Well it’s not mutual.”
“And Angie?”
“Well, now, that’s different,” Crane said, allowing
Chip to stew a moment, “I’d like to get to know her better. A lot better. She’s
a very sweet girl. If you’re that
interested in her yourself, you have a strange way of showing it. She said you
forgot her birthday and that she prefers lilacs to roses and....”
“All right, all right, but that
doesn’t mean that I’ll just stand by and allow you to sweep her off her feet
and...”
“You won’t allow?” Lee asked dangerously.
“Gentlemen,” Nelson interrupted
having observed just about all of the discussion from the hatchway, “Unless you
two can bring your testosterone levels under control I’ll have no choice but to
assign you both shore duty during this mission or abort the whole damn thing.
Now, while I’m not all that anxious to have either Miss McPherson or Dr. Wilson
aboard, the fact remains that it’s a logical move. Is that understood, Chip?”
“Aye sir.”
“And Lee, in future you will
discuss any additional passengers with me before going ahead and making the arrangements,
capiche?”
“Understood, sir.”
“Good. Now cease and desist
from acting like a couple of adolescent schoolboys vying over who has the
bigger balls! Gad, the old saying’s right on the button; a woman aboard is bad
luck. Even so, I will not tolerate such unprofessional behavior from either of
you. Aboard, or ashore. Do I make
myself clear? Good. Now, Captain, I believe you have a conference to resume.
Chip will join you shortly.”
Crane obeyed, leaving the two
alone.
“Captain Cupcake?” Nelson asked el sotto, raising an eyebrow.
“It...Malone blurted it out
by accident...it kinda’ stuck.”
“I see...”Nelson said, not
amused, “Chip, I know you may feel a bit...threatened by Lee, but I do know
that Miss McPherson has a right to see whomever she wants, same as you. Don’t
take her decision to date Lee out on him just because she hurt your
feelings..okay?”
“Aye sir. I guess I was acting
stupid.”
“Do you think you’ll be able
to handle it? I meant what I said about shore duty if you can’t.”
“I’ll be the perfect XO sir.”
“You’re already that, Chip, I
just want you to be Lee’s friend.”
Morton said nothing.
“I see. Well, I can’t force
you. Just promise not to kill him before the mission even starts. Well, then,
you’d better get to the Wardroom.”
“Aye sir.”
***
“Is everything okay in here?”
Lee peered into Dr. Wilson’s cabin on his way to the conference.
“I hope it wasn’t too much
trouble to move me?”
“Well, to be frank...”
“Oh, dear. It was, wasn’t it.”
“A little.”
“Forgive me, Libeling?”
“That depends.”
“On what?”
“If you’ll quit calling me libeling!”
he grinned, “It was bad enough when we were kids, now it’s downright embarrassing.”
“Okay cupcake.”
“That’s another
thing...thanks to you, I’m Captain Cupcake now,” he complained.
“But,” she laughed adoringly
and kissed his cheek, “you are! I
could just eat you up! Why do you think I wanted the cabin closest to yours?”
she grabbed his belt and in one deft move, unzipped his pants.
It might have saved Kowalski
who was just then passing by in the companionway some acute embarrassment if he
hadn’t reversed course, practically on tiptoe, and vanished.
“What’s gotten into you?”
Crane zipped up and pushed her away, “We may have had a childhood fantasy, but that’s
all it was. And...I’m rather interested in someone else now,” he stared at the
deck.
“Oh,” she said deflated.
“I just didn’t know how to
tell you....”
“So, just who is this
‘someone else’?”
“Angie McPherson.”
“Angie?”she asked,
incredulous. “That twit? Oh, Lee, is
this some kind of sick joke? How could you possibly be interested in a
nincompoop like her?”
“I’ll have to ask you not to call
her that. And for your information she’s highly intelligent and...”
“I’ll call her anything I like!
You can’t tell me what to think!”
“I’m only asking you to be
civil. Please, Dr. Wilson...Sarah... can you do that for me? Or at least for Admiral
Nelson, even if you hate me now?”
“Hate you? Oh, Lee, baby,” she took him in her arms, her anger evaporated,
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it. How could I ever hate you! Kill you, swear at
you, and inflict various other tortures,” she chuckled, “but...hate you? Libeling, sorry...I promise
you I’ll be civil. In fact, I’ll be more than civil. I’ll be like a big sister
to her.”
Lee raised a disbelieving
eyebrow.
“Well,” she added, “I can pretend to like her. I did bring down
the house in Romeo and Juliet. I’ll
be a good scout even if I have to give an Oscar worthy performance.”
“Thanks. I owe you,” he gave
her a peck on the cheek and left for the Wardroom.
“Oh yes, you owe me, Lee
Crane, big time,” she whispered
bitterly, and returned to finish her unpacking.
***
As Morton waited with the
other officers for Crane’s appearance in the Wardroom, he wondered just how
he’d allowed himself to take Angie for granted. Now it just might be too late
to get her back. But come what may, he had to try, without having to resort to
stuffing the Captain into the torpedo tube or tossing him overboard. Nelson was
right. He was jealous of Crane; it
had been growing for some time now and was festering. Definitely the green eyed
envy type unbecoming an officer. Morton had always prided himself on his
professionalism and now, well...it was all shot to hell because the glory hound
was hunting in Chip’s preserve. Damn! He was thinking like a repressed 18 year
old, not the XO of Seaview! It wasn’t Crane’s fault he had everything a girl
could possibly want. How the hell could he possibly compete with a knight in
shining armor? He practically winced when the Captain entered the Wardroom.
Okay, he’d play by the rules. He’d show the upstart just how professional he
could be, even if he had to ‘sir’ and cow tow to the Captain’s superior knowledge.
“Mr. Morton?” Crane repeated
himself and woke Chip from his reverie. “Shall we continue from where we left
off?”
***
Seaview had been underway for
only two days when Sarah hiccupped and rubbed Nelson’s shoulders in the
Observation Nose. “You’re too tense, Harry. Almost as if you’re scared having
me aboard. I hear” she returned to the sidebar and poured out another drink,
“that most of your crew wanted out.What did you have to do, give them bonus pay
for the duration?”
“I think you’ve had enough,”
Nelson took the tumbler from her, “Now, as I was saying, while I don’t
understand how you came to some of these conclusions without a more in depth
study, your hypothesis about these spores and their possible genetic mutations,
is just too intriguing to ignore.”
“Is that the only reason you agreed to this cruise?”
“There’s another?” he asked,
confused.
“As if you didn’t know,” she grabbed
him and planted a sloppy kiss on his mouth, “Don’t fight it Harry. You know you
want it. You always have. A woman can tell these things,” she ran her fingers
under his collar to open his shirt.
“Admiral, I was wondering
if...”Lee stopped and paled in his tracks high on the spiral steps to the scene
below him. “Excuse me...” he hurried back upstairs.
“Wait! Lee!” Nelson stood,
calling after him.
“Busted,” Sarah laughed.
Nelson glared at her. “Let go
of me, you, you...piranha!”
“You remember!”
“You will return to your
quarters and remain there until your presence is requested.”
“Now I know why I love a man in
uniform!” she giggled, “So commanding. So...”
“Control Room,” Nelson pressed
the intercom. “Ask Miss McPherson to come to the Observation Nose to escort Dr.
Wilson to her quarters.”
“Eeeooo,” she held his hand
down, not realizing the action had jammed the machine. “Not Lee’s little miss girl
next door! It’s too..too...humil..humil...I can make it back to my cabin on my
own.”
“I doubt that.”
“I’m as good as her!”
“That’s the booze talking,”
Nelson said firmly.
“No, s’not! Nobody likes me! Not
you, not anyone. Even my widdle cupcake doesn’t like me anymore!” she whined. “
I’m not good enough for him! But she
is!”
“Professor, please, get a
hold of yourself.”
“I don’t have the proper equipment,
is that it?” she ran a hand over her breast. “Lee likes ‘em big. Do you like
‘em big? Here, feel.”
“Stop that!”
“What about your equipment?” she asked seductively.
“Are you as substantial as Lee?”
“Miss Wilson!”
“He was very mature for his age. Believe me, I know,” she giggled again, “Don’t look so shocked. Must be your
puritan background. Lee could have been a Michelangelo sculpture, without the fig leaf,” she said
dreamily. “Of course now that he’s all
grown up, he’s a lot more interesting....”
“Miss McPherson? O’Brian too,
thank goodness,” Nelson interrupted, as they’d practically run down the steps
into the Nose, “The Professor will retire to her quarters. She’s...ill. See to it that she’s safely tucked
in.”
“Right away sir,” O’Brian
hurried to the intercom without a word and turned it off.
“Oh god,” Nelson said.
“Everyone heard?”
“Afraid so, sir,” O’Brian
said, “C’mon Professor....”
“You know sonny, you’re kind
of cute. Almost as cute as Libeling, if that’s possible. I don’t need her help,” Sarah said as Angie took her
other arm.
“You’re taking it anyway,”
Nelson ordered. “See to it that she’s...uh...”
“I’ll make sure she’s
comfortable, sir,” Angie said and helped O’Brian half walk; half drag the
inebriated woman up the ladder.
***
“
“That’s not funny Mister,”
Morton said.
“Only reporting the facts
sir, I meant no disrespect.”
“Very well, return to your
post. O’Brian...spread the word to tread softly. No doubt the Admiral’s fit to
be tied. I can’t even comprehend what the Captain will do,” he said quite
seriously.
“Good job getting O’Brian
down there to help Angie, Mr. Morton,” Crane entered the Control Room, “Now,”
he asked angrily, “Does everyone on
this boat know she had a drinking problem or am I just slow on the uptake?”
“We...assumed you knew, I
mean...”
“I didn’t know she was an inebriated drunk! This could hamper the
mission even if, IF the Admiral
decides to continue. You should have informed me Chip! We could have taken
steps, replaced her with one of her
colleagues: now we’re stuck with a...a frustrated sex maniac!”
“She’s been drunk before, but
not often and she never acted like this, Captain, Never.” Was it possible, Chip
thought to himself, that he actually felt sorry for Crane?
“Very well. I’ll be in the Nose.”
***
Nelson was trying to forget
what had happened as Clarke fixed a loose deck tile. He was pretty much
forgotten as he worked in the far corner as Crane half leaned, half sat against
the bow window.
“You should have told me,”
Crane finally said, matter of factly.
“I didn’t think it necessary,”
Nelson said. “I honestly had no idea it was this bad.”
“If you knew she had a
drinking problem, didn’t you think of the possible consequences? What if she made
a mistake about the whole spore thing, what if she can’t dive, what if she
comes on to you again?”
“You should talk,” Nelson said. “How the hell does she know about your
‘equipment’?”
“She’s not the only girl to
have spied on me in the boy’s locker room....”
“I’m talking about the adult version!” Nelson interrupted and
raised an eyebrow,“Have you and she...”
“No!” Lee responded, aghast, “She simply must have looked when Frank
treated me in my office. He also checked a couple of mosquito bites that have been
bothering me. You remember how they plagued us at the ranch....” he hesitated,
then continued to explain, “a couple of them were apparently attracted to
my....penis.”
“Nothing serious, I hope?”
“Frank gave me some stuff to use.
Admiral, are you sure you want to go through with the mission?” Lee asked, “It’s
probably already compromised and its bad enough that it’s going to be awkward, embarrassing
even. The whole boat heard almost everything.”
“We’ll just have to work
above it, Lee. The mission is a go. Damn, I’m hungry all of a sudden.” He
pressed the intercom. “Galley, Nelson here. What’s on the menu?”
“Galley, Dobbs here. Let’s
see, okay, Spinach salad with mandarin oranges, Bean soup, Tuna Surprise,
and... Huh? You can’t say that, Cookie!” he
whispered, “ oh...okay.”
“Well?” Nelson asked.
“Spotted Dick, sir.”
“What??”Lee
shouted, livid.
“Thank you,” Nelson unclicked
the intercom, “Calm down, Lee. Spotted Dick’s an English pudding...well, not
really a pudding...at least not the kind we’re used to. I’m not sure there is an American equivalent. It’s more
like a soggy cake. Well, maybe not that soggy, but rather too moist for my
liking. Must be one of the recipes Edith gave him from her recent trip to
“I see. Sorry. I guess I just
flew of the handle. It’s going to be a
long cruise,” Crane sighed.
***
Finally alone in her cabin,
Sarah opened her eyes, her wits completely intact, and smirked. She’d really
have to go to
***
Morton decided on a banana
from the plate of assorted fruit and pastries as he joined Angie in the
Wardroom the next morning. Nelson had already finished his breakfast and was
finishing up a cup of coffee, and Lee had managed to snare the last Chocolate Éclair.
He didn’t usually eat such heavy or unhealthy foods, but it sure looked
tempting. It was an outsized and overstuffed version, with a luscious looking cream
filling and looked ready to pop.
Dr. Wilson joined them and
nudged Angie, “Are the boys trying to tell us something? I know our present
environment can’t be helped, I mean missiles, torpedoes, even the shape of the
submarine itself, but,” she indicated
Lee’s éclair, and Chip’s banana, “even the food’s
phallic.”
“Dr. Wilson!” Chip said, outraged.
“I’m sure she didn’t mean
anything by it,” Lee said casually, “it’s in very bad taste, but you have to admit it’s sort of funny. And...”He
paused with a slight curve to his lips, “at least mine’s bigger than yours,” he
indicated Chip’s selection.
“It’s not that amusing Lee,” Nelson said.
“No, but Dr. Wilson may have
something. Strange, I never thought I was so... well endowed,” he laughed out loud, but found himself unable to take
a single bite of the thing and pushed it aside. “I’ll never be able to look at breakfast
the same way again. I’ll be in the Missile room, oops. Sorry, ladies,” Crane said, as he watched Sarah grab his éclair, “Oh,
Sarah?” he added, “Be... gentle,” he
chuckled and departed.
Morton, like Nelson was
fuming, but he’d be blind not to see the humor of it and soon even he was
laughing.
Nelson was not and with
legendary self control shook his head sadly, “Professor, I think your brand of humor
could almost be construed as sexual harassment. You might want to keep that in
mind before I decide to abort this mission due to a conflict of interest.”
Sarah blatantly ignored him,
and rolled her tongue around one end of Lee’s huge éclair suggestively, took a
bite, then wrapped it in a napkin, and walked towards the door. “Oh, by the
way, Cookie?” she paused at the door.
“Yes ma’am?” the cook
answered from the galley’s push through.
“You really should have added
about 2 inches.”
Nobody doubted her meaning.
***
“Dr. Wilson, I want to talk
to you,” Nelson said, a few minutes later in the lab.
“Go ahead, Harry. Tell me I’m
a bitch and that you want me to apologize to you and everyone else in creation
that wears pants.”
“I didn’t say that. Yet. Sarah,” he grabbed her arms to face
him, “I’ve never known you to be
so...blatant! It was bad enough when you were one of my grad students but
now...”
“Lee didn’t mind. He thought
it was funny.”
“Lee Crane is a gentleman and
didn’t want to make a scene.”
“You so sure about that? That
he’s a gentleman? I understand little miss goody two shoes is actually Chip’s girlfriend. Doesn’t sound much
like a gentleman to me. Did you know Lee’s taking her to some island retreat?
In fact...”
“What goes on between Lee and
Miss McPherson is their own business, not yours. You almost sound jealous.”
“What if I am? Lee belonged
to me first,” she pouted.
“You were kids!”
“We were old enough to...”she
let it drop.
Nelson knew better than to
ask questions he didn’t really want to know the answer to.
Sarah did it for him. “He got
me pregnant.”
***
“I’m telling you,” Clarke
said over his game of checkers with Malone in the crew’s lounge, “that’s what
she said. I was outside the lab and heard them. The skip got her pregnant.”
“He was 13 years old!”
“Old enough,”Clarke snorted.
“That poor kid,” Malone said.
“I mean her...especially back then...man...I wonder what happened... to the
baby I mean.”
The sound of crashing glass
outside brought the men to the doorway. Angie was picking up the pieces of a
test tube tray. She accepted the men’s
help without a word except a muted ‘thanks’ and hurried away.
“You know,” Clarke continued
when they resumed the game, “it’s kinda’ weird though. When
***
“I’m sorry, Captain,” Angie
said formally to Crane in the Control Room, “I’ve decided not to go to the
islands with you after all.”
Lee reached out to touch her
hand. “But why?”
“Please, don’t touch me.”
“Have I done something wrong?”
Lee asked in a low voice, confused.
“As if you didn’t know!” She spat,
and huffed out
“What did you do to her?” Morton demanded.
“I don’t know....Chip...please,
don’t look at me like that...I don’t know what’s going on...”
“Crane,” Nelson’s voice came
over the PA. “Report to the Observation Nose. Now.”
No one could mistake that tone. The Captain was in deep
serious trouble about something. And if it concerned Miss Angie, he might just
as well pack his bag and leave via the nearest exit, even if it was underwater.
Nelson might never refer to any of his female staff by their given names, but
he had an almost paternal protectiveness over all of them and woe be to anyone who
dared to upset them.
***
“You said you and Dr. Wilson
had never been....intimate,” Nelson
said without preamble as soon as Crane set foot in the Observation Nose.
“That’s right. A couple of
kisses, maybe some groping, kid stuff, that’s all. What’s this all about?”
“And now?”
“That’s really none of your business,
sir, but if you must know, absolutely nothing’s been going on between us.”
“Scuttlebutt indicates otherwise.”
“What scuttlebutt?”
“I know all about her getting
into your pants in her cabin! Right here aboard Seaview! Don’t try to deny it.
Kowalski saw everything.”
“Well apparently he’s blind!
I stopped her right away! I don’t know why she still has the hots for me. I’ve
never encouraged her, and I’ve never taken her to bed. And I’m rather offended
that you think I would have!”
Morton had given the conn to
O’Brian and was hastening down the steps just as Nelson let go the bombshell.
“If relations between you
have been so chaste, then explain just why she says you got her pregnant!”
“Pregnant?” Lee asked, stunned.
Just then Morton lunged toward
Crane and struck him, hard in the jaw, sending him to the deck.
“What’s that for?” Lee looked up holding his jaw, angry, and very confused.
“How could you!” Morton raged, “How could you seduce Angie and...”
“Angie? What...”
“Lee got Dr. Wilson pregnant, Chip,” Nelson said,
“not Angie.”
“Thank God,” Morton sagged in
sheer relief.
“I didn’t get either of them
pregnant!” Lee shouted as he got up, holding his split lip,” What kind of a
bastard do you think I am? It’s absurd on the face of it!”
“You deny it, then,” Nelson
asked.
“Of course I deny it! And I
want Sarah here, now, to tell you
this has all been some kind of elaborate practical joke! Or a deliberate
attempt to sully my honor!” Cane shouted, breathing hard, furious. “And you,
Mr. Morton are on report for striking me!”
“Chip, ask
Dr. Wilson to report to the Nose.”
***
The call came more quickly
than she’d anticipated. Men could be so...so...emotional. In a few minutes she stood
meekly before them, the epitome of grace and sweetness.
“Did you want to see me,
Harry?”
“Yes, please, sit down.”
“I’ll cut right to the chase,”
Nelson said, “You claim Lee got you
pregnant. He claims he didn’t. One of
you is lying and I want to know which of you it is.”
“Lee never knew,” Sarah said,
“I never told him,” she grabbed a tissue on the table and dabbed her eyes.
“And it never happened!” Lee said.
“Down boy,” Morton said. “Go
on Doctor.”
“It was July 4th, my last day
in
“That’s a lie!” Crane
shouted.
“It’s not that I didn’t want
it, Libeling, not really. I’d wanted you a long time and I quite enjoyed it after
awhile, anyway. You were so..so..virile.
So gorgeous in the moonlight, naked and unashamed, that I endured it all, for
you, my love. For you. And that night proved weren’t children anymore.”
“Why are you doing this?”
Crane said coldly, like ice.
“Quiet Lee,” Nelson ordered,
“go on.”
“He said he’d never forget
me, and that come hell or high water he’d find some way to marry me, even if he
had to take me to another state or join some religious cult where they allow it
that young....I waited Lee. I waited for you to come, to call, to write. But
nothing...”she dabbed her eyes. “And then I found out I was pregnant. My father
was furious. He would have killed you with his bare hands, if I’d told him you
were the one. So how could I?”
“I swear I never even saw her that night! I was with my mother
the whole time!”
“Hmph!”Sarah snorted. “You
shouldn’t lie about it Lee, It doesn’t become you.”
“It’s the truth!”
he turned to Nelson, “Ask her if you don’t believe me!”
“Libeling, asking a mother to
defend her son is like asking a cat not to spit up a hairball. She’d lie
through her teeth to protect you. Always did. She was rather obsessive about her dear sweet little gypsy orphan boy.”
“What are you after?” Lee
said, coldly.
“Me? I’m not after anything. He’s”
she indicated Nelson, “the one who called this little inquisition, not me. I
have no claim on you. The baby died in my arms just when they were going to
take him away to the orphanage and new parents they’d found for him.”
“That’s bullshit and you know
it! This whole story is a pack of lies! I want to know why you’re doing this to
me Sarah! Why?”
“He looked a lot like you,”
Sarah continued calmly, “I’ve always wondered what he would have become if he’d
lived...my father put the death certificate away...someplace..”
“That doesn’t prove anything!
It could be anybody’s baby! All my friends said you were a little tart. Only I
was too damn naive to believe it! Well I do now. So who’s the real father, why pin this on me? Why all
these lies. Why...”
“Enough,” Nelson said, “You
say you have the death certificate for this child?”
“Well, father did, I don’t
know what he did with it...”
“This is nonsence!”Crane
asked “If you want to discredit me, God knows there are far better reasons you
could use that would be a heck of lot more believable!”
“Please Libeling, Why can’t
you just accept it?”
“Because it’s a damned lie! A
damned cruel lie!”
“Oh Lee,” she dabbed her
eyes. “Harry, do we have to go on with this? He’s never going to accept the
fact that he knocked me up. And to think that after meeting him again, that I
actually thought we could pick up where we left off; make another baby...”
“We never even made a first!”
Lee exclaimed, “She’s lying! Or just plain crazy!
We never had sex! Never!”
“Return to your duties Captain,”
Nelson said, “Chip, get all the necessary details from Dr. Wilson, then contact
Boston Vital records for a death certificate facsimile.”
Crane ran a hand through his
hair, “Fine! Do what you damn well want! But I want a DNA test on that poor dead baby! In fact, I demand it! Where’s it buried?”
“It? You’re calling our little
boy an it? ‘He was cremated. We scattered his ashes in
“How convenient. Is that where
you had your Mad Hatter’s Tea Party as well?”
“I told you to return to your
duties, Captain,” Nelson said.
It was impossible to know which person he
truly believed..
***
“Any luck, Chip?” Nelson
asked as snuffed out a cigarette hours later in his cabin.
“Juvenile records were
sealed. She’ll have to go in person to get it, sign some documents..... I had
Nelson flung his pencil down
with a vengeance.
“Damn! I want to believe Lee, but how can
I? Women don’t usually lie about things like this do they? Even if she is a
bit, for lack of a better word, over-sexed. And I can’t, I won’t tolerate dishonesty amongst any of my employee’s, especially my
Captain!” Nelson paused, “Chip, it’s
no secret I’ve enjoyed having Crane here. We hit it off right away, he’s
beco...he was becoming a good friend,
but, now...if any of this is true...Have
the Captain report to me, no fuss, and stand by.”
***
“So,” Lee stood before Nelson,
as Morton waited outside the closed door, “You won’t even try to believe me?”
he asked quietly.
“I don’t know what to
believe,” Nelson ran a hand through his hair, “but I don’t think she’d make
this up.”
“I swear I never touched her
that way,” Lee said in earnest, “On all that’s holy, I swear it.”
“And she swears you did,”
Nelson said.
“Skipper?” O’Brian’s voice
came through the PA, “We’re about a half hour from the coordinates.”
“All stop. Who’s on the first
Diving team?” Crane asked.
“Dr. Wilson, Kowalski, Jones,
and you, sir.”
“Mr. Morton will replace the Captain
for this dive,” Nelson said into the mike.
“I see,” Crane paused, “I would have believed you,” he said, the hurt in his voice
unmistakable, and left Nelson’s cabin without waiting for permission.
***
“That swimwear’s rather inappropriate,
Professor,” Morton said as he checked his air tanks in the Missile Room.
“This old thing? Don’t tell
me you’re intimidated by a thong? Everybody wears them in
“Cheech, Ski,” Patterson
hissed from his vantage point near the mini-sub, as he helped Kowalski check
his regulator, “she’s looking at his crotch!”
“Of course,” Dr. Wilson
continued, “I can’t say you don’t fill those swim trunks out nicely. But a
thong would be much more...masculine.”
“Sorry to disappoint you,” Morton
handed her a wetsuit, and began to climb into his. “Now, as I understand it,
we’re to collect the spores we see being released from the seaweed. Is that
correct?”
“Well, we did pay attention
in class, didn’t we, Commander,” she zipped up the suit with disgust.
Mistreated by Crane or not, the
right thing to do of course, would be to
shove her out the escape hatch and have the boat pull away at flank speed, but
knowing that would not hold well with Nelson, he decided against it.
“Everyone ready? Good. Let’s
go.”
***
“The currents aren’t at all as
bad as what we’d expected, ” Lee climbed down the
spiral steps into the Observation Nose and sat down in the chair next to Nelson.
Just as quickly Nelson rose and sat in the chair furthest from him.
“If my presence offends you
so much,” Crane said coolly as he rose, “why not just kick me off the boat?”
“Don’t tempt me. In fact,”
Nelson paused, “you may want to consider rejoining the Navy, before I verify
Dr. Wilson’s story and am forced to take action.”
“Why wait? You’ve already
made up your mind,” Lee handed him the mike, “Go ahead. Order the change of
command.”
“Lee, I....do you think I get
some kind of sadistic pleasure out of all this? Damn it man, don’t you
understand? I can’t keep a dishonest
man!”
“She’s using you, Admiral,”
Lee said, cold. “I don’t know why, why all this. Just...don’t trust her...”he
clicked the mike. “
***
“Do you accept command or not?”
Lee handed Morton an official document in his cabin.
“I know he was thinking about
it, but I’m surprised he fired you in mid-stream..”
“He didn’t. I quit. You know,”
Crane said, “I’m getting a bit tired of being ridiculed by everyone and framed
for something I never did. The Admiral used to have a brilliant mind; perhaps
he left it ashore someplace. I also thought you were intelligent enough to see
a set up. Now to you and everyone aboard, I’m an untrustworthy and slimy leach,
all for the word of one woman with some kind of delusion about our so-called
past. Well, I’m sick of it. Now, do you accept command and my fail safe key or shall
I ask O’Brian to relieve me of both?”
Morton signed the form and took
the chain from which dangled the Captain’s Key.
“You have command, Captain
Morton,” Crane said, “My gear’s already been taken down to cabin D-4. I promise
I won’t get in anybody’s way until the storm topside is over and we can
surface. That front’s moving fast, probably only a couple of hours longer. The
Periwinkle’s agreed to have me, even if I have to pay for my passage home as a
skivvie.”
“Lee...”
“Only my friends call me
Lee.”
“Have I been that bad?”
Morton asked in a quiet voice.
“I suppose not... maybe I’d
think the same way if things were reversed. I’m just...Chip, please, just leave
me alone.” Crane vacated the room.
Morton looked around the
cabin, unsettled, and more than a bit unnerved. And had it been his imagination
had the Captain looked...strange? Of course, he’d never seen Crane really angry
or...defeated.
***
“But Admiral,” Kowalski
complained, “Captain Crane’s the best diver aboard. You’d said so yourself
and....”
“That’s beside the point. All
Seaview’s divers are fully certified, and that’s an end to this discussion. And,”
he added, “It would have only been a matter of time. He chose to expedite things, Kowalski, not me. Now, return to your
duties.”
***
D-4 was not comfortable at
all. It was just too hot. The fact that it had a bunk couldn’t alter the fact
that it was in reality a converted storeroom. He’d changed into jeans and a
denim shirt and picked up the folded uniform shirt and removed his oak leaf pip,
putting it in his pocket. That belonged to him. But the Seaview’s ship wheel
insignia did not, and he tossed it on the deck in anger. It careened over the
deck and slid under the baseboard. But this whole mess wasn’t Seaview’s fault, and
he urgently knelt on the deck and tried to retrieve it, more out of an apology
to the boat herself, than an actual need to return it to stores.
“Skipper?” Kowalski’s voice
asked from the doorway. “Uh...the Periwinkle says she can’t wait forever and
that storm’s just gonna’ make transferring you over impossible...”
Crane leaned back against the
wall. “I see. Thanks. And Morton’s your Skipper now.”
“Are you okay sir?” Ski
asked. Crane’s face looked...weird.
“I don’t rate a ‘sir’ anymore
either, Kowalski.
“Oh, yes do, sir, as long as
you’re still a full Commander in the Reserves you do.”
Crane managed a wan smile,
“You’d better get back to your duties before the Chief comes looking for you.”
“Aye sir,” Ski left, but headed
to Sickbay instead.
***
“Blotchy?” Frank the regular
corpsman asked.
“Yeah. Almost purple in
places.”
“What the....oh my god...the
antibiotic! C’mon!” he grabbed his bag and raced to Crane’s quarters.
***
“Admiral?” Ski’s worried
voice came over the PA, “the Skipper, I mean Capta...I mean Commander Crane,
sir. He’s sick. He’s got a fever of 102, and it’s climbing. His skin’s all blotchy,
and we think he’s showing signs of delirium. I actually found him crawling
around on his hands and knees before I called Frank...”
“How else am I supposed to
get my pip back? It’s jammed under the baseboard,” Crane’s voice came across,
irritated, with shuffling noises in the background.
“I think it could be an
allergic reaction to the ointment I gave him for his di...for a personal matter,” Frank said, “If it is,
he’s in real danger, he could even die, and...”
“I’m fine! Go away and leave
me alone!”
“Hang tight Frank,” Morton’s
voice came over, “
“Let go of me, Kowalski,”
Crane said, irritated.
“Sorry Skipper, but...”
“I told you I’m not your Skipper
anymore, and I don’t need
“Frank,” Doc’s voice came
over. “It’s Jamison. What did you use on him?”
“The standard topical
antibiotic ointment. He’s not supposed to be allergic to it....”
“He’s not supposed to be a
lot of things. Get a blood sample ASAP,” Doc said, “Give him injectable antihistamine,
then cool him down with wet wraps or a cold shower and enema if you can get him
to cooperate. Lee? Listen to me. I want you to go to sickbay. Now. Unless you
really want to die.”
”Not particularly, not that
anyone’d care overmuch,” Crane said bitterly.
“Wha..? I’d care. Now, go to sick bay and cooperate with everything Frank
asks you to do. Understood?...Lee?”
“I don’t need you to hold on
to me, either of you.”
“Lee?” Jamison insisted.
“Okay, okay, if it’ll keep
you from pestering me to death.”
“Admiral,” Jamison said, “I’d
like a monitor or vision phone hook up to sickbay as soon as possible.”
“Right away Doc,
***
“Well, thank God it’s not
an allergic reaction,” Jamison said four hours later on Nelson’s cabin vision
phone, “And his blood chemistry tests
normal, no virus, no abnormal bacteria, however, we must assume it’s something our standard tests are just not
picking up. Perhaps some new form of food poisoning...”
“Doc?” Ski’s voice interrupted
over the PA. “He’s getting worse. He’s almost 104. He’s been vomiting and he’s
sweating real bad...and it’s kinda’
green.”
“Green??” Jamison asked.
“Yeah, Frank’s never seen
anything like it.”
“Switch me to Sickbay,”
Jamison ordered, and the vision phone switched to the view of Crane; his hair was
a mass of wet tangles, his naked body glistening with the greenish tinged sweat
as he clung to the toilet bowl.
“Talk to me Skipper,” Frank
was demanding, “What are you feeling?”
“Knives... tearing... into my
gut...sorry I bit into you earlier.. I think....you’d better...quarantine the boat...”
“Frank,” Jamison said, “You’d....”the
transmission failed.
“Sorry, sir,” Spark’s voice
came over, “We lost the signal. That storm’s doing hell with communications. I
can’t even get the Institute.”
“Chip,” Nelson ordered
through the intercom, “Mission abort. Get us home ASAP. And Chip, no-one is to
eat or drink anything...”
***
“Aghhhgh!”Lee cried out in
agony, and curled up into an even tighter ball on the gurney.
Nelson watched helplessly
from the vision phone link to Sickbay. Crane was hurting so badly, he was
beginning to shed tears. Greenish tears. Ski and Frank frantically sponged and
applied the cool wraps to combat the rising and dangerous temperature.
“What the hell is it?” Ski
asked.
And if Nelson wasn’t
mistaken, Crane was also incoherent. Had that been Chinese he’d yelled in? And why
was he yelling ‘NO! NO!’ over and over...
***
“I just don’t know what to do!”
Nelson paced in the lab, worry etched on his face. “All Frank’s lab work, even
my own, Crane’s blood, sweat, vomit, all show ‘normal’! He’s in anguish, and
there’s not a damn thing I can do! Nothing’s helping! Nothing!”
“Harry, calm down,” Dr.
Wilson said, “You can’t afford to loose your objectivity if you’re going to help
him.”
“Then tell me how to! By the time we get the signal re-established
to Jamison or a Med-Evac, it could be too late!”
“I’m so sorry, Harry,” she
patted his shoulder. “I’d do anything if I could,” she looked at her watch,
“Will you be okay by yourself? I really need to get a quick bite. Blood sugar
you know.”
“Go ahead, and Sarah? Thanks
for you help,” he said.
***
“Mr. Morton?”
“Could something be
deliberately jamming us?”
“Yes, sir, that’s my
opinion.”
“Do you know where it’s
coming from?”
“No, sir.”
“Will our mobile tracers
work?”
“Pretty doubtful, the
signal’s so wierd, but
I guess it’s possible.”
“Malone? Clarke, over
here...”Morton ordered, “Spark’s will set the tracers for you. Go over every inch of
the boat if you have to, but find that signal.”
***
“Find anything?” Chief Jones
asked as he and Angied poured over reference books, microfilms, anything that
could be of help in the small ‘library.’
“Nothing,” Angies rubbed
tired eyes, “I hope
“You know, it’s
wierd, Miss Angie. Why’d a woman like that want to drown her sorrows so much?”
“Wouldn’t you, if everyone
called you the ‘Iron...well, something...”
“Yeah, I guess so. You know, it don’t make sense
that a woman with a figure like that would have to resort to being so crude all
the time. Did you know she was going to wear a thong for the dive? Showed off almost everything. Not that it
wasn’t a nice view. Doesn’t even have a wrinkle or stretch
mark on her.”
“Say that again?” Angie
asked, suddenly alert.
“Uh, what?”
“You didn’t see any stretch marks?”
“Now that you mention
it...don’t most mothers get stretch marks?”
“Damn right they do, c’mon,”
she practically ran out of the library.
***
“I’d like to speak to you Dr.
Wilson,” Angie said from the lab’s doorway.
“To what do I owe this honor?”
Sarah replied.
“Why did you lie about Lee?”
“What’s this all about Miss McPherson?”
Nelson asked.
“Sarah’s never had a baby, unless she invented a
miracle cure for stretch marks. I don’t know why nobody noticed before.”
“A matter of muscle tone,
sweetness, and a lot of vitamin E. I keep myself fit.”
“Just about all pregnant
women get stretch marks, and as far as I understand, they can’t be removed.”
“Admiral?” Frank said on the
PA, “He’s starting to see things, bad things, like he’s a prisoner or at a POW
camp or something. Vitals are getting bad. Some things are starting to shut
down....I think we could loose him.”
“Do what you can.” Nelson
clicked the mike off.
Just then Malone, panting
from his exertions aimed the tracer direrectly towards
Nelson snapped them off, “You
didn’t have these on before you left me in the lab.” He stomped them under
foot, the blinking lights and wires inside dying. “Why did you jam our signal,
Sarah? To keep from hearing from Jamison? Am I correct
in assuming you have something to do with Lee’s condition?”
“You’re supposed to be smart,
you figure it out,” she looked at her
watch, “but you’d better hurry, before he’s pushing up starfish at the bottom
of the sea. That is where you bury your gallant dead sailors isn’t it, Harry,
darling?”
“What did you do to him?!” Nelson shook her.
“Like I said, you figure it out.”
“Get her out of here!”
***
“What are we looking for?”
Clarke asked Malone as they tore Dr. Wilson’s cabin apart.
“Anything,
everything...something...hell nobody knows anything. The Admiral thinks it
might be some kind of poison. So be careful.”
“Yeech,”Malone indicated
***
“So it was Poison?” Morton asked of Nelson in the lab.
“Apparently. She could have
spiked his food, drink or even his stationery, you know how he sometimes
moistens his fingers to lift pages...at least we have this. Who would think to
look for any poison in the garbage. The lid must have come
loose from the vial she hid in it. But it contaminated the filling, so getting
a pure a sample is impossible. I’ve
tried everything, Chip. It’s no chemical equation I can recognize. I’ve tried
every test in the book.”
“Which means?” Chip asked
confused.
“Which means, it could be a
new formulation or even a new chemical,”he mused, “chemical, chemical...didn’t
Dr. Wilson work with Wilke’s and Hark, as a consultant?”
“The bug busters? Yes, she did. I remember
her complaining that they were all a bunch of idiots.”
***
“There’s no antidote then?”
Nelson asked the CEO of the bug spray company through the finally restored COM
link.
“We don’t as a rule try to resuscitate
the insects we’re trying to kill....I’m sorry. That was uncalled for...I’m
sorry about your man, but if he’s ingested the formula somehow, there’s nothing
we can do for him. The formula was scrapped as unprofitable, too expensive to
make....wait,” he pressed the phone, “get Thomson in here. He’s one of our best
chemists...if anyone knows how to neutralize the formula, he will. I’m not
really surprised about
***
“I agree,” Jamison said on
the vision phone conference call. “It’s the only option left, but, I have to
warn you, I’ve conferred with others at the hospital and it’s their opinion and
mine, that if Lee’s conscious anytime during the treatment, he’s going to be in
agony he’s never even dreamed of in even his worst
nightmares. He’s already violent and there may be even more hallucinogenic episodes. Admiral, the pain killers and
sedatives aboard Seaview would render the neutralizing agent completely ineffective.
”He looked at his watch. “The process will take about a half hour to completey
neutralize the poison. We’d better begin.”
***
The hoarse screams permeated
the sub as Crane fought his demons. He was unrecognizable. Trails of green
sweat ran down his stained body. His body and hair were soaked, as were his
sheets. Tears that looked like blood now ran from his eyes as he fought against
his adversaries torturing his companions and himself. Knives and whips were cutting,
tearing into him. Muscles contracted and spasmed violently against each other,
as his restraints loosened and tightened against his thrashing against them. Incoherent
cries and whimpers of distress mingled with his screams of agony along with
shouts of defiance and bravado against his enemies. His delirium was utterly complete.
During one of his fiercest
spasms of pain, Ski tried to grab Crane in a futile effort to calm him, but he
was knocked off his feet by a blow from the patient, which disengaged the IV. Before
Frank managed to reattach it Crane burst his restraints and slid to the deck.
He began to dart about
wildly, bumping into Sickbay’s equipment heavily, hurting himself as some of
the supplies and wall units crashed and toppled into him.
“Careful!” Frank shouted, “He thinks we’re an
enemy or something!”
“Lee...”Nelson pleaded.
But Crane had no recognition
of the men or their voices. He was crouched in a corner, near the door, eyes
dilated, body trembling, and bleeding from a couple of cuts from the shattered
equipment. As another spasm attacked his body, his enemy about to execute him, he
lunged past the men and out into the corridor.
“All hands,” Nelson clicked
the mike as Ski and Frank raced after the patient. “Captain Crane is loose in
Corridor A-3. He’s delirious and violent. Use care to capture him, but get him
before he hurts himself or anyone else.”
***
Angie was crying, her head in
her hands, as all hell broke loose outside of the Wardroom corridor..
“Stay put!” Cookie yelled in
vain, as he raced out to see what was happening.
Several men were shouting,
trying, pleading with their errant ex-captain to settle down. Many were holding
sore noses and various other parts of their anatomies as their prey kept
escaping their clutches.
“Lee?” Angie called from the
doorway, “Lee?”
For a moment he looked at
her, his eyes terrified as he saw the men persuing him. He darted into the
Wardroom, and grabbed Angie, dragging her down to the deck.
“Hold it!” Morton yelled from
the door, “He could do anything...”
“Wait,” Angie gasped... “He’s
not hurting me, I think...I think he’s trying to protect me...move back, all of
you.”
“Leave... her... alone!” Crane screamed, as he
wrapped Angie even tighter in his arms, trying to shielding her from their killers.
“Lee, it’s me, Chip...”Morton
walked slowly towards him, “I know you can’t understand. You’re stark raving
mad, did you know that?” he said softly, “It’s going to be okay, Lee, nobody’s
going to hurt you.....Nobody’s going to hurt Angie. We’re not the bad guys,
Lee. C’mon...come here...it’s going to be okay,” he kept repeating softly,
hypnotically, as he inched his way closer.
“Easy, Chip,” Nelson
whispered from the doorway, “it should be just about over. You all
right Angie?”
“I’m okay; he’s just a bit
heavy...”
Suddenly Crane gave a blood
curdling scream, sinking into an exhausted heap, and let go his grip of the
girl.
Angie managed to sit up, and took
her former captor her arms, and rocked him back and forth like a mother would a
sick child. “It’s going to be okay, Lee. It’s going to be okay.”
His eyes were still glazed,
blind to reality, and he began to sob, and then passed out.
“It’s over,” Nelson said.
Nobody had really noticed
that Crane was naked, only crazed, so it was with some embarrassed surprise to
all that Cookie removed his chef’s apron and helped Angie cover him with it as
Frank and Ski got him on a stretcher, wrapped him up with a blanket and got him
to sickbay.
Angie, stained with bits of
Lee’s sweat and blood, started to tremble.
“All right, back to work,”Morton
ordered, then took Angie in his arms,“Will you be
okay, hon?”
“Oh, Chip...it was
horrible...he.... What must he have gone through to act like that?”
“Chip, I’m going to give
sickbay a hand,” Nelson said and wearily went his way.
***
Nelson himself helped to rinse
Lee’s face and hair of the sour green sweat, while Frank and Ski bathed the
rest of him free of it. Within a few minutes they had the patient encased in
flannel pajamas, and tucked into a regular bunk, only a saline IV drip and
Foley thought necessary now.
***
“It was close, but I’m sure
he’ll be okay now,” Jamison said from Nelson’s vision phone.
“The police have been
notified and will meet us when we dock,” Chip entered the cabin, “Have you
decided about Lee? Staying with us, that is?”
“I’m not sure. Even if he
didn’t get Sarah pregnant, he still may have lied about sleeping with her
and....”
“Pregnant?” Jamison interrupted, “Lee can’t get anyone pregnant,” Jamison interrupted, “He’s sterile.”
“What?” Nelson asked.
“A hit and run accident, oh,
he was about 11 or so. His testes were irrevocably damaged. He can perform, but
he can’t impregnate. He doesn’t have any sperm. Zippo.”
“And he knows this?”
“Of course he does. We even
kidded him about it, being the only man aboard Halliburton that should’ve been
out enjoying his shore leave without having to worry about an irate father
coming after him with a shotgun or the shore patrol.”
“But...but...why didn’t he
tell me? It would have cleared him of that accusation...but he could have had sex with her? About 13
years old?”
“Certainly. No doubt that he
could have, if he’d wanted to.”
“He denies he ever did
anything.”
“Admiral, if Lee says he
didn’t sleep with her, you can rest assured that he didn’t. He’s rather
possessive of his principles. I’d have thought you’d known that, especially since
you served with him aboard Nautilus.”
“I should have, damn it. I
should have,” Nelson shook his head sadly.
***
“Oh, man,” Ski yawned, as he
was finally able to sit down to a well deserved meal, “I’m whacked.”
“Is he gonna’ be okay, Ski?”
Clarke asked,“Doc says so, but...”
“Yeah, he’s going to be fine.
He’s asleep now. He’s even dreaming,” Ski grinned.
“I wonder what about?” Malone
asked.
“Oh, probably Miss Angie.”
“Wonder what he’s gonna’
think when he finds out he was starkers in her arms....”
***
Crane’s eyes tried to adjust
to the light as he found himself in sickbay, safe and warm. But he was not
comfortable and he tried to remove the IV and something under the covers.
“Whoa, tiger,” Chip said,
coming awake, having fallen asleep in the chair at his side. “Detach the IV and
Foley and I’ll be on the receiving end of Franks’ displeasure, and you know his
mouth is almost as bad as mine.”
“Chip...what happened? Last
thing I remember was puking my guts up. You look awful....oh my god...Seaview?
What’s happened to the boat? What....”
“The boat’s fine! We’ll be
home in a couple of hours. What is it
with you and the damn boat?”
“I...never mind.”
“Well, in a nutshell, Dr.
Wilson poisoned you.”
“Sarah? I don’t believe it.”
“Believe it buddy, you would
have died if the Admiral and a Mr. Thomas hadn’t come up with a neutralizing
agent...the cure was worse than the poison itself. You almost didn’t make it.”
“I wish I could
remember...why did she do it, Chip?”
“We’ll have to wait for the
trial to determine that, Lee. Anyway, why didn’t you tell us you were sterile?
It would have saved a lot of
misunderstanding. I’ve already voided
the transfer of command and moved your gear back into the Captain’s Cabin.”
“Thanks, but no. I have to
leave.”
“But..”
“Don’t you understand?” Lee
asked gently, “I can’t stay. How can I command Seaview when her entire
crew, you, Nelson, especially Nelson, found it easier to doubt my word than to
even try to believe me? Chip, do you really
want to entrust your life, the lives of your crew to someone you hesitate
to trust? You know a Captain has to make some command decisions that have to be obeyed instantly, without
hesitation or lives are forfeit. I don’t want to be responsible for anyone’s uncertainty.
You’re a good man, and a great XO, I’m really surprised Nelson didn’t put you
in command to begin with. And you already have something I don’t, and probably
never will. They trust you.”
“Lee, please...What if Nelson
apologizes? I know I do.”
“I can’t ask him to apologize
for believing something he thought was the truth. I’ll admit it all hurt my ego
and God knows I don’t want to leave Seaview, but I have no choice but to go
back to the Navy.”
“And do what? Get a command
and have to give her up after one stint? Then warm a chair at some desk job till
you can get another boat? You may be their number one golden boy, but they
still have to follow the rules. I just can’t see you stuck in some office in
the
“You forget I do have a few
other options.”
“Oh, well, go then, go on off
and play James Bond again...get yourself killed, captured and tortured again...Jamie told us
about a couple of those...probably what you thought was going on in your
confusion.”
“Confusion? I don’t
remember...”
“Good. Nobody wants to, it
was that bad.”
“I must be sicker than I thought. You’re actually
acting as if you liked me.”
“I guess I do. So, I just have
to accept the fact that I have a competitor for Angie’s affection, but... I
don’t hate you Lee. I’m sorry if I
came across that bad.... Lee? If you ever want to talk about it, that ONI
stuff, the bad things, you know you can. Anytime. Will
says compared to what you’ve had to go through at times, commanding a
submarine, even Seaview, is a piece of cake.”
Crane laughed at that.
“May I come in?” Nelson said,
having observed most of the conversation from the doorway.
“I’ll be back.”
After Chip had left, Nelson
sat down next to Crane.
“Lee, I couldn’t help
overhearing. I want you to give Seaview, and me, a second chance.”
“That’s not necessary. You
were only doing your job.”
“My job, which I failed
miserably at, was to trust the man I agreed with the Navy to be my Captain!
Lee, listen to me. I’ve probably only
said ‘I’m sorry’ twice in my entire life, and this is one of them. Please, Lee.
I’m sorry I doubted you.”
“I don’t blame you in this, Admiral.
I just can’t...risk it. What if it
happens again? What if something happens to cause you or the crew to wonder if
my decisions in running this boat are to be trusted? Not a good thing. It could
even cost lives.”
“I think you expect too much
of yourself, Lee, and perhaps of us as well. We’re human, we all make mistakes.
And you’ll be making the biggest mistake of your life if you leave us because
you think we can’t trust you. So we fell for Dr. Wilson’s adlepated nonsense.
We’ve learned from our lesson. I can’t promise that something won’t happen in
the future to destroy our trust, but at least
give us a chance to start over.”
“I don’t know...I...”
“Kowalski found this. I
believe it’s yours,” he handed Lee the Seaview Ship’s Wheel pip.
“I...”
“He went to a lot of
trouble,” Nelson continued, “had to remove the entire baseboard to get it
unjammed from inside a joint. Now, are you going to tell him the effort wasn’t even
worth it? Or, will you pin this back on your uniform collar and take command
back from Morton. Chip doesn’t really enjoy it, you know. And he’s already put four men on
report for letting cigarette butts lean too far outside of the ashtrays.”
“Ouch.”
“Yes. Ouch.”
“I....”
“Please, Lee...”Nelson said,
“if not for me, then for Seaview, and her crew. They feel like shit over all of
this, same as me...and it would be awfully hard on them to break in another new
Captain.”
“Did you ever sell used cars?”
Lee asked after a moment, “I think you missed your calling....”he looked hard
at Nelson. “Oh, very well, you win,” he took the pip into his hand, “You always
did get your own way in the end, Skipper,” Lee said, softly,weary.
“Somehow I don’t think I
deserve the title, even if it’s from our time together aboard Nautilus. There’s
only one ‘Skipper’ allowed on Seaview,
and you’re it.”
Angie peeked around the
corner... “Is it okay to come in?”
“Miss McPherson,” Nelson
offered her his chair.
“Please, I’ll only be a
moment, Frank says we shouldn’t tire him out...Lee? If you wouldn’t mind...is
that offer of cave diving in the
“Just say when.”
***
“Lee? I thought you were off
to the islands with Miss McPherson!” Nelson said, surprised on a Saturday
morning two weeks later as Crane entered his office. “Is everything okay? Do
you feel all right? I thought Jamie gave you a clean bill of health....”
“Oh I’m fine. And no need to
worry about Angie. I’m sure she’ll enjoy her trip,” Lee sat on the edge of
Nelson’s desk.
“By herself?”
“Hardly. I’ve arranged an
escort.... Of course,” Lee grinned, “I doubt that this is the kind of
undercover assignment Chip thinks I asked him to ‘courier’ for me...he thinks
all he has to do is deliver a top secret package to a special contact at the
charter boat marina.. The package is the weekend I was going to take Angie
on... Oh, don’t worry; I still have every intention of still asking Angie out
for a dinner and movie...sometime.
But for now, I think perhaps I did overstep the line...even if I still think
she’s the most beautiful girl in the world, the lucky bastard.”
“You devious....”
“Admiral...being devious and sneaky
is part of my job description as a submarine commander. Now...what are doing
next? Word’s out you want to get in some whale tracking?”
“Oh, excuse me, Admiral,” the
pretty blonde stood at the door, “I thought you were alone....”
“Miss Hale, I don’t believe
you’ve met Captain Crane. Lee, Lola Hale, our second assistant secretary to
Procurement. She’s helping me out this weekend.”
“Captain Cupcake?! I’ve heard so much about you but never had a chance to...”then
her words hit her...”Oh, I mean, I...I’m so sorry, Captain Crane,” she blushed bright
red with her fair skin.
“Perhaps you’d like to show Captain
Crane your office, Miss Hale. He’s always so interested in all the little
details of NIMR...and I really am too busy, Lee, to go over mission details right
now.”
“That’s fine...I’d be
delighted to tour procurement.”
“I hope you won’t find it too
boring Captain.”
“Please...call me Lee...”
***
On Wednesday, Crane picked
out a package of two large pink coconut ‘snow-ball’s’ from the half filled box
of assorted pastries that Chip had raided from the employee’s lounge. Lola handed him a
report from Nelson, smiled and left.
Lee started to tear open the cellophane,
when he was interrupted by Chip, standing in the ‘tween doorway.
“And this from a man who said
he’d never look at breakfast the same way again,” Chip snorted in glee.
“What?”
“You do enjoy living
dangerously, don’t you,” Chip looked at the snow-balls and waved his hands in a
sexy parabola.
“Oh, god...” Lee groaned as
he suddenly recognized the foods rather pointed comparison to Lola’s pink
mohair sweater.
“Well, are you going to eat
it or not, I’m starving.”
“Take it. Cheech, it’d be
like...”
“Yeah, wouldn’t it though,”
Chip smirked.
“Which of you is the Captain
Cupcake I’ve heard so much about?” A no-nonsense woman said from Crane’s open
door. “I represent a food company that says this ‘Captain Cupcake’ is infringing
on their legally held trademark.”
“It’s him,” Chip pointed to
Lee.
“Now, wait a minute. What’s
this all about?”
“According to my sources,
you’ve been using this trademark without permission and...”
“You mean there really is
such a thing? A real Captain Cupcake?”
Chip asked. “How about that, Lee, you’re famous!”
“Shut up, Chip. Look, lady,
I...”
“Ms. Sondheim. Of Phipps, Meyer, and Collings. We’re representing
the...”
“I don’t care who you’re
representing. My name is Crane. I’m
the Captain of Seaview, and one of my crewmen made a slip of the tongue after
a...colleague of Admiral Nelson’s called me a cupcake...it got a bit out of
hand, my crew thought it was funny. I’ve never used it myself. Well, maybe
once, but...it certainly wasn’t a slur on some company. Uh...just what is this Captain
Cupcake anyway?”
“It’s a cream puff. Steers a boat and sells goodies to children...”
“Well, Lee, maybe Malone can
call you Captain Cream Puff instead, surely that’s a generic term,” Chip
chortled.
“I think you need to get back
to work Mr. Morton.”
“Aye aye, Captain Cupcake, sir,”
he giggled and went through the ‘tween door, which he left wide open.
“Is he quite well?” Ms.
Sonchie asked.
“That depends if I decide to
ask him to fill out these fit reps, by hand, in pentiplicate...”Lee said loudly.
“Ow. That hurts Lee,” Chip closed the door.
“Now,” Crane continued, “what
do I have to do? I’ve done nothing wrong but I don’t want to tie up any
Institute time while...”
“I can see it was a simple
misunderstanding. Though I will need an affidavit as to your position here,”
she sat and kicked her high heels off. “You know, they may even want to hire
you. They’d be idiots not to. You’re a real Captain, and, that whoever it was,
was right on the button, you are a
cupcake!”
***
“So,’ Nelson said to Chip and
Lee as they joined him for dinner at the golf club that night, “Dr. Wilson’s
plea bargain will make her eligible for parole in twenty years. Far too lenient
if you ask me. Even her lawyers agreed that it was pretty clear she acted out
of vengeance because Lee refused her advances, instead of some kind of
psychosis.”
“What about the spores?”
Crane asked.
“Complete waste of time. Not
a mutant strain found in any of the samples we took.” “Yes?” Nelson asked an
elderly lady who approached the table.
“I’m sorry to intrude, but we
couldn’t help noticing that you have a new friend with you. Surely you remember
us Admiral Nelson, Commander Morton?” she indicated the table at which a lot of
elderly ladies waved vigorously, “You’re always such gentlemen, to let us play
through...”
“Oh, yes, of course,” Nelson
said.
“Well, we were hoping you
might introduce us to your new friend here.”
“Lee Crane,” he rose.
“Perhaps you’d like to meet
my grand-daughter? She’s visiting and is so lonely. You wouldn’t mind would you,
Admiral, if we steal him from you for a few minutes for them to get acquainted?”
she practically grabbed Lee’s arm. He had no choice but go with her or risk
hurting her feelings.
“You didn’t have anything to
do with this, did you Chip?” Nelson asked.
“I only mentioned that Lee
was unfamiliar with the course, being a newcomer to
Morton set to the appetizers with
gusto, trying not to let the glares coming his way from Crane spoil his
appetite. As Crane’s dinner went untouched, Chip ordered a doggy bag for him. The Captain was rather busy just now. His
hair was being ruffled; the old biddies were plying him with bits and pieces of
their various desserts and generally mothering him to death. Chip just couldn’t
figure out which of women could be the grand-daughter; they all looked about
70.
“Chip...we can’t let him
suffer like this for much longer,” Nelson said as he paid the bill.
Morton was about to rescue Lee,
but stopped in his tracks as the old lady introduced Crane to the most
voluptuous creature he’d seen outside of a girly magazine. She had just
arrived, and after about a second Lee had
her on the dance floor.
“Excuse me,” Chip quickly approached
the old ladies, “but we couldn’t help noticing the delightful young woman you
introduced Lee to...”
“Sandy Haigo, as I said,
she’s visiting. She’s a Bunny Club model. Wonderful job, lots of benefits.”
“I bet.”
“I’m so glad your friend and
she seem to have hit it off...”
Just then Angie and Lola entered
the restaurant, and waved at Nelson
“Miss McPherson, Miss Hale,”
Nelson rose. “Would you care to join us?’
“Oh, thank you sir, no,” Lola
said, “perhaps a rain check....”her mouth opened in shock at the picture of Lee
happily dancing with...with...that.
“Who’s she?” Angie asked.
Just then Lee turned and
noticed the women. He said something to his dancing partner, and escorted her
back to her grandmother and approached.
“Angie, Lola,” Lee smiled, “Didn’t
expect to see you here.”
“Apparently,” Lola said.
“You should have told us
you’d be here tonight. You could have joined us for dinner....oh... dinner’s over
already?” he asked as Chip handed him the doggy bag.
“Who’s your friend?” Angie asked.
“Who...oh, that’s Miss
January, poor kid”
“Poor kid?” the girls asked in unison.
“Yeah. Seems the only guys
she gets to meet are after one thing. She’s only trying to pay her way through
college. When she found out I have a degree in electrical engineering she talked
me into helping her with her homework and....what?” he noticed the girls
shaking their heads.
“I think that neutralizing
agent did something to your head, Lee,” Angie said.
“Look, Ang,”Lola said, “I’ll
take him home. Give him some castor oil or something. He’s got to be sick. C’mon Lee...”
The girls did not see the backwards wink he gave
Morton and Nelson as they led him out of the establishment.
“Now that’s what I call diffusing a potentially explosive situation!”
Nelson guffawed.
***
It was past
“Is Captain Crane there?”Angie’s
voice came over the PA.
“No, in fact, he’s late,”
Morton said.
“Mr. Hale’s here. Lola’s
father. He says her roommate said Captain
Crane took Lola out last night and she hasn’t come back home yet and....”
“If he’s laid a finger on her,”
a man’s voice shouted, “I’ll...”
“Calm down, Mr. Hale,” Nelson
said, “I’m sure there’s a reasonable explanation.”
“Yeah, like two extra inches
worth,” Chip said under his breath.
“What was that?” Hale asked, furious.
“Uh, nothing sir,” Chip said,
“I’m sure they’ll have a good reason.”
“They’d better!”
***
“Chip,” Nelson said from his
office, as the day progressed. “I’m getting worried. It’s not like either of
them not to call. Maybe they were mugged, or there’s been an accident...Angie
said Lola was driving...
“Admrial?”Angie said obviously
upset from the conference phone, “Mr. Hale found a message for Becky, that’s Lola’s
roommate, on their answering machine. It’s from a Dr. Smythe. The doctor said ‘not
to worry, she’s doing fine’. The call was at
“My god...”
“But when he tried to call
the number he got a busy signal.”
“Get the police.”
“Hold a minute Admiral.
Lola’s roommate just came on the other line... what dog? Oh...Oh....I see. No I don’t know where your damn dog
is...where the hell’s Lola? Oh....Lola’s roommate says her dog is pregnant and
the vet’s name is Dr. Smyth...she’s getting me the number....I’m dialing it
now...here he is.”
“Dr. Smythe?” Nelson asked.
“Is Lola Hale there?”
“Who?” a woman’s voice
answered.
“Lola Hale...”
“Oh, yes, Becky’s roommate...well,
no, she’s not here now. She and that dreamboat with her brought Becky’s dog in.
The puppies and mother are doing fine.”
“Do you know where they went?”
“Well, no. But probably home,
they helped me with some orphaned kittens they agreed to try to find homes
for.”
“Thank you,” Nelson ended the
call, frustrated. “Damn it! We’ve checked everywhere. Lee’s, Lola’s, the
police, highway patrol, every restaurant and bar in town. Where the hell are
they?”
“Uh, sir?” Ski asked, “Did anyone
check the boat? It was kinda’ late for them to go anywhere else if they’re not
home...and he has bypassed security before....”
***
There was an eerie silence as
Chip led the way through the corridors in various states of having their
innards ripped out and replaced, until the small search group finally found
themselves climbing down the spiral steps in Seaview’s Observation Nose.
Lee was frankly sound asleep
in one of the loungers facing the window, a newborn kitten curled on his lap, a small empty
eyedropper in his hand.
To the side was a large box
of a few assorted felines, in various states of sombulence and wakefulness.
“Lee I found some more mil...”Lola
stopped at the top of the stairs, holding a large can of condensed milk.
“She’s okay, Mr. Hale,” Ski switched
on the speakerphone on the table.
“Are you all right, sweetie?”Mr.
Hale’s voice asked.
“What...”
“Where’s Crane? This Cupcake fellow? Did he do anything to
you?”
“Daddy, really!”
“Mhmpphh?”Lee awoke with a
start and the kitten started mewing pitifully. He hadn’t seen the group behind
him, “Lola? Morton’s hungry again!”
“Morton?”
Chip said, indignant.
Lee, startled by the voice, turned
to see the assemblage. “Reinforcements? Finally! How’d you manage to get them all
out of bed?” he noticed that it was no longer night. “Uh...how long have I been
asleep?”
“It’s past
“Well,” Crane smirked, “Not all night.”
“If you’ve...”Mr. Hale said
threatening.
“Chief Hale, I think your
ex-profession in the police force should just about guarantee that I wouldn’t be that stupid. I may frequently find
myself in danger, but I don’t as a rule flirt with it. Trust me; Lola is still
as pure as the driven snow.”
“Well, I meant no offence. A
father can’t help but to want to protect his daughter.”
“I’m over 25 Daddy! When will
you get it through your head that I don’t need you or anyone looking after my purity!”
she spat and handed Crane the can, which he opened with a knife/opener/combo. “And,” she paused for effect, “if I should happen to find myself alone
with Lee, on a deserted moonlit beach, don’t
think I’ll insist on staying that way! Now, if you’ll all be so kind as to
help, these kittens are motherless and hungry and Morton’s own mother pushed
him away, he’s only a few days old...”
***
“Chip?” Crane knocked on
Morton’s office door a month later.
“What can I do for you, Lee?”
“Uh, well, word’s out that
you’re going be getting an operation. I know they say it’s safe, only a couple
of snips, but...I checked with Jamie and he said there could still be...complications. Chip, I know the idea
about a better sex life is appealing, I mean not having to worry about an
unwanted pregnancy, but are you sure you and Angie have discussed all the
options?”
“What are you talking about? I’m not having an operation!”
“But Lola said you were going
to get fixed... you know...a vasectomy.”
“She said what?”
“She said the doctor called to
schedule it within the next 6 months and...”
“Six months....”Morton
suddenly laughed,“Oh, for Pete’s sake....Lee...it’s my namesake that’s getting snipped, not me.”
“Namesake? I don’t
understand.”
“The cat, stupid! You’re the one who named it ‘Morton’. Ski’s sister
simply decided to keep the name, to irritate him when he visits.”
Crane sat down in sheer
relief.
“Seems to me Skipper, that
your Intel isn’t up to snuff. Perhaps you should change sources. Oh, Lee, by
the way, speaking of Intel, did I ever thank you for my little..Courier assignment?”
“No, but that soppy grin on
your face when you came back was thanks enough.”
“Oh, Lee,”Angie entered the
office, “I’m glad you’re here. I really want to take Chip to that new restaurant
for lunch and I was hoping you might take over the tour group for him.”
“Sure, be glad to.”
She gave him a peck on the cheek.
“Thanks.”
“Who’s’ it this time?” Morton
asked as he grabbed his jacket and offered Angie his arm.
“Oh, some senior women’s golf
club. They say they’re good friends of the Admiral. They’re here for the hands
on demo of Hugo’s hygiene routine.”
“Uh, Ang,” Morton
paused, “perhaps this isn’t really a
good idea...I mean..”
“It’s okay Chip. Contrary to
popular belief, nobody’s ever been mothered
to death. Have a nice lunch.”
“You really do have a death
wish.”
“What are
you two talking about?”Angie asked as Chip led her away.
**
“You know,” Clarke held the
binoculars tightly against his bulging eyes from the roof work they were doing.
“Mr. Morton’s gonna bust a gut when he discovers that Senior Golf Club is
really the local University Senior
Women’s Golf Club. I mean, there he was, telling Miss Angie that it was dirty
pool to make the Skip give that bunch of old ladies the opportunity to ruff his hair and fatten
him up again.”
“May I?” Lola asked, suddenly
behind the two for the binoculars. “I’m glad you were able to help out today.
This roof really needed fixing. I hope those old biddies don’t give Lee a hard
time....”she raised an eyebrow. “This
is the Senior Golf Club? I’ll kill that new receptionist! What’s that girl doing? She has no business wearing a bikini!
They’re all wearing bikinis!”
“Uh, isn’t that the norm,
Miss Lola? The hands-on demo?”
“Oh, oh...yes, now I remember,”
she said, flustered, “But that means that...”
What Lola was or was not
going to say was interrupted by the appearance of Crane, in terry robe and flip
flops. As he explained a few things to the girls, their interest soon escalated
into an almost drooling appreciation of his washboard abdomen and standard
issue spandex swim attire before he guided them into the pool and the ‘clean Hugo’
demonstration.
“You okay Miss Lola?” Malone
asked.
“Huh? Oh, yes, fine. Carry
on,” she fled, almost afraid to be caught drooling herself.
“It ain’t fair,” Clarke said.
“It just ain’t fair. And he doesn’t even have to do anything.”
“One of the perks of being Captain
Cupcake, I guess, c’mon, let’s get back to the Good Ship Lollipop, before the Chief
starts griping about him leaving crumbs on the deck.”
“I’ll take any crumbs the
Skip cares to leave behind any day,” Clarke laughed, looking back at the gaily
splashing girls.
***
“How was the tour, Lee?” Nelson
looked up from his desk as Lee came in.
Crane had changed back into
uniform, though his hair was still wet and curly.
“It was a nightmare. Admiral?
Is it me, or am I just past it? There I
was surrounded by college girls in skimpy bikinis, and all I could think about
was how soon it was going to be until lunch.”
“Lunch? Perhaps you should talk to Jamie.”
“I mean...I appreciate a good
looking woman just like anyone else, but...”
“But?”
“I’d rather just sit on a
moonlit beach with the girl of my dreams in my arms and count the stars.”
“Oh, Lee!” Lola raced into
his arms.
“What’s this about? I didn’t know you were here today, or I would
have asked you if you wanted to go out for a bite...”
“Shhh,” she placed a finger
on his lips. “Admiral? The reports you wanted are on Angie’s desk. She’ll file
them for you when she gets back with Chip. C’mon Lee, I know a perfect spot,
where we can have some sandwiches. We can even take a dip, and you’re already
wet. I have a swimsuit in my locker. Oh, Admiral? We may be a little late, but
I promise to have him back in plenty
of time for that inspection tour of Seaview Morton scheduled.”
“Have a nice lunch,” Nelson
grinned.
Lola practically dragged Lee
out of the office. Lee turned toward Nelson and winked before he too, vanished.
‘Good lord,’
Nelson thought,’ the lad’s a master at fielding females. Probably all
that ONI training... perhaps I should call Whitlox for a little training of my
own...’
***
“But nobody’s seen them since
they went to lunch! “Morton complained as Angie paced nervously in the
background. It was already dark and it was getting late.
“Time just probably slipped
away from them.”
“You know something don’t
you?”
“Who, me? Nothing at all Chip, nothing at all, but I can guess...”
“Guess what?”
“Oh, only that their
tardiness may have something to do with counting stars...”
“Huh?”
“Go home Chip. I can almost guarantee
Lee and Miss Hale will be here tomorrow morning bright and early, none the
worse for wear. Besides,” Nelson smirked, “Do you honestly think I’d let him
vanish without a trace again? I had security sneak a tracer on his shoes after
that kitten business.”
“So, where are they?” Chip leaned over the desk.
“Now, Chip, that’s privileged
information. “Of course, I could be bribed. for Dr. Peterman’s
home phone number,” he grinned, “I understand your sister is a pen pal.”
***
Crane leaned over to kiss
Lola again, the brilliant hues of blue and green water reflections weaving a
magical spell.
“I’ve never had such a
wonderful time, Lee. The picnic, the sightseeing, the
A cough interrupted, “Uh,
excuse me Captain Crane?” Ski asked, again,
“Are you done here yet? We really need to get in here to clean before we open for
visitors.”
“I suppose,” Crane sighed and
helped the swim suited Lola up off the floor of the Hugo the Whale exhibition
room. The walled part of the aquarium was decorated with murals and children’s
crayon stars dangled from the glitter painted ceiling.
“You want to say good night
to Hugo?” Lee asked as he picked up the net bag with their clothes in it.
“Silly, it’s
“That’s nothing compared to
what the Admiral will say because we didn’t get back in time for the boat’s
inspection tour yesterday.”
“Oh my gosh, I forgot all
about that!”
“So we’ll pass out
earplugs...”
***
“That’s what Ski said, anyway,”
Malone said as he finished cleaning one of Seaview’s windows, “The Skipper and
Miss Lola got kicked off some beach, and then spent the rest of the night at
the aquarium, right here at NIMR.”
“What’s so terrible about that?”
Clarke asked.
“Well,” Malone looked around surreptitiously,
“the only beach I heard of getting
closed down yesterday was that nudist beach.”
“You’re kidding!”
“You know the one some movie
company rented. They made everybody leave....except for the extras they hired right on the spot. And,” he whispered, “The night watch
says that the Skip and Miss Lola didn’t get here until around
“But that would mean that...”
“Yeah. The shit’s gonna’ hit
the fan when the Admiral finds out that the Skipper and Miss Lola are in a porn
movie.”
“Oh, man. I don’t even want
to think about what Chief Hale’ll do.”
***
Nelson was in the middle of a
mantatory ‘all hands’ meeting in the Institute’s auditorium, when Angie’s
frightened voice interupted over the PA.
“Mr. Hale’s on the line. He
says...”
“He says,” Hale’s voice interupted,
“that he’s going to cut Lee Crane’s balls off and
shove ‘em down his slimy throat! How the hell dare he seduce my little girl and
take her down to that...den of iniquity! God only knows what he did to her! And it’ll be
on film! They’ll go to hell for this and...”
“I don’t know what on earth
you’re talking about, Chief Hale,” Lee said through the open squak.
“Word’s out that you got
kicked off a beach last night. The only beach that got closed yesterday was
that nudie beach. Try to sweet talk your way out of that one, Captain!.”
“We weren’t even in the
county! We went to Butterfly Rock! And I have the gas receipt to prove it,” Lee
added. “I’d be rather interested to know just where you got your so-called information.”
“From your own damn crew,
that’s where. There’s scuttlebutt about your little adventure all over town!”
“My crew? That’s impossible. They know me better than that.
They know Lola too...I think you must have misunderstood...”
“Uh, Skipper?” Ski stood up
from his chair, looking for all the world like he
wanted to disapear. Malone actually looked ill when he beat Ski to the punch.
“It’s not Ski’s fault,”
Malone said, “ he only told me you got kicked off the
beach. I just assumed it was that one, you know, in the news...the one with the
porno film...”
“Well, tell me then, was I
any good?” Crane asked, “Haven’t we
all been through enough to know better than to just assume? Good grief, you could have ruined Lola’s reputation! And I
may be many things, but I’m not a cad, for Pete’s sake....Chief Hale, I’m sorry
about the mix up. I assure you, misinformation and gossip like this will not happen again.”
“I’m sorry too Crane. I guess
I’m in hot water with Lola again,” he sighed, “When I finished talking to her
on the phone she was crying. I guess I blew it..”
“Look,” Crane said, “come on
down to the institute. I think we need to get a few things sorted out.”
“I’ll be there shortly. Goodbye
Captain.
“Admiral, I think I need to
do some damage control.”
“Go ahead Lee, I can handle
the meeting.”
***
“So, Lola,”Angie asked later
that afternoon, “everything okay now?”
“Daddy agrees that he should
trust me more, and Lee’s convinced him that I’m old enough to make my own
decisions. You know, maybe I should
ask Lee if he’d like to go to the nudie beach sometime...just to see the shock
value on either of their faces,” she laughed gently. “So, Angie,” she added, “what
does Lee look like naked?” Lola asked.
“Miss Hale! That’s classified
information!”
Both girls laughed and got
back to work.
***
Seaview was on her way home
following a rather ordinary charting mission.
Crane joined Morton and
Nelson in the Wardroom for lunch and Cookie proudly placed a piping hot bowl
of...something on their table.
Lee took a bite of the large
heavy fried orb but just as quickly took the half chewed bite out of his mouth.
“What is it?”
“I followed the recipe to the
letter sir.’
“It can’t be that bad Lee,”
Nelson said, trying a bite, then changed his mind, “perhaps not.”
Morton too, found the food unpalatable.
“But...you should have
enjoyed them. There’re supposed to be the best oysters money could buy,” Cookie
said.
“Oysters? Sure as hell don’t
taste like any I’ve ever had,” Crane said.
“They’re really not any good,”
Nelson said, “Maybe it’s an unusual variety.”
“What ocean were these
harvested from,” Crane asked. “Maybe we’d better check it out.”
“I don’t know sir. They were
in that crate they sent by Uncle Jake’s Dude Ranch by way of apology to the
Skipper...”
“Do you have the package?” Nelson
asked, a bit wary.
“Right here, sir,” he
uncrumpled the label and handed it to Nelson.
“Prairie Oysters,” Nelson
read, “that’s all.”
“Prairie Oysters!” O’Brian choked out, aghast. “But...but...”
“What is it man, what’s the
problem?”Morton demanded.
“They’re not seafood! They’re
testicles! Beef usually.”
“Bull balls?” Cookie said, “I
prepared bull balls? Oh, man, oh man...I’m sorry, I’m so sorry Skipper,
Admiral...Mr. Morton...I don’t know what to say...”he returned to the galley more embarrased than he’d
ever been in his life.
“They’re actually considered
an aphrodisiac,” O’Brian said. “In fact there’s a legend about an old Arab over
100 years old, who had 42 wives and he was still able to satisfy at least four
of them every night. Of course, there haven’t been any clinical tests but a lot
of men the world over swear by them...”O’Brian stopped as he saw the looks on
the faces of his commanding officers, “...uh, not that any of you need any help,
I mean...I...I think I remember I promised to check that diving gear..”he fled.
“I guess I shouldn’t hurt Cookie’s
feelings,” Crane sighed, then speared his discarded ‘oyster’.
“Poor man’s crushed, “Morton
jibed and speared his oyster as well.
“I can’t believe people actually
pay money to eat these things,” Nelson added, pulling his back toward his fork.
***
“Well, that’s what the
Admiral told security,” Malone said, as he vacuumed Nelson’s office the next
day. “That he’d met an old colleague last night right after Seaview docked and
that he’d gotten so wrapped up in some experiment they were working on that he was
cancelling all his appointments today and would probably only get in this
afternoon.”
“Uh huh,” Clarke said, “And
we know just what that experiment
was.”
“And,” Malone continued,
“Morton said he’d be late ‘cause he was up really
late last night.”
“Sure, sure...”Clarke
sniggered.
“Miss Angie’s taken a
personal day.”
“How about
that.”
“And the Skipper’s called in
sick.”
“My, my.”
“And...Miss Lola’s on vacation.”
“Ain’t it so, so...convienient,” Malone sniggered.
***
“I’ll never eat one of those damn
things again as long as I live,” Lee said as he vomited again over his
apartment toilet.
“What could have possessed
you Lee?” Jamison scolded. “13 of them?”
“I had my reasons,” he
winked, “damn twitch; it nearly got me arrested for trying to bribe a meter
maid.”
“Lee?” Lola entered the open
apartment. “I got the bicarb...Jamie, thank goodness. He’s been sick since last
nig...”she flushed.
“He’ll be all right. He
should be fine by tomorrow.”
“What what is it?”
“Oh, just a case of bull. It’s
a long story.”
***
“Now that’s weird,” O’Brian
said after taking a message while he and
“What?”
“Some broad called Dr. Lucy
Petermeyer called to leave the Admiral a message. Something about how much she
appreciated the ‘scientific method.’”
***
The End
***
FYI:
Banana: Cylindrical oblong
and slightly curved medium soft fruit. Highly suggestive in
appearance as are Cucumbers (as in ‘cool as’). Both are also known rudely and crudely in the
Éclair: Cylindrical oblong custard
or cream filled puff pastry,
similar in appearance to the ‘long john’ filled doughnut. Mildly
to Highly suggestive depending on size, width and
filling. Bigger than even an outsized banana. Quite decadent.
Spotted Dick: Not a diseased male organ. Extremely
moist upside down looking suet/sponge cake, studded with raisins or currents,
and drenched in heavy syrups or flavored sauces. Virtually unknown to the
United States, this is the perfect dessert to serve to unwelcome or lingering
dinner guests, though some people actually like it...who can figure...
Captain Cupcake: I was
halfway into writing this story when to my astonishment I discovered there
really is a registered trademark for this name through the Hostess Company for a cartoon icon, in the shape of an elongated
cream puff, at the helm of a ship’s wheel. (No infringement is implied or
intended in the use of this name by Captain Crane) After all, our Crane is a Captain, and I agree with Dr.
Wilson, that he certainly is a cupcake, and our lean mean fighting machine is
certainly no cream puff.
Sno/Snow-ball: Not the kind
from snowflakes. Generic term and trade term for small spherical or semi-spherical
cakes, several varieties and brands available. Suggestive.
Often frosted, sometimes encased with marshmallow. Often heavily
sprinkled with coconut shavings. Chaperone pubescent boys when passing
these snack foods in the grocery store or check-out counter.
Prairie Oysters: Generic term
for testicles. Usually bovine (cattle), also other male
animal’s genitalia. A potent source of testosterone, especially therapeutic for
masculine performance the world over for centuries. Palatability is a
matter of opinion and/or desperation. Sizes vary from small, medium, large, and
jumbo. Preparation varies. Not to be confused with a hangover cure drink or a
music band by the same name.