by Chris Allen

Admiral Harriman Nelson, Captain Lee Crane and Commander Chip Morton were in the observation nose of the submarine Seaview finalizing plans for a very important mission. The timing had to be just right and all plans were to remain top secret. Only the three officers were to know the exact details of what was about to happen. It was Tuesday, March 31 at 1800 hours. It was vital that the mission take place on time. Secrecy was of the utmost importance.

"Alright, Chip, do you understand your part in this mission?" asked Admiral Nelson.

"Aye, sir, I’ll get started right away," answered Chip and then he picked up the microphone. "Chief Sharkey and Kowalski, this is the exec. Report to my cabin on the double!"

"Aye, sir"

"Right away, Mr. Morton."

********************

Kowalski and Sharkey arrived at Morton’s cabin at almost the same time. They stood together in the hallway ."What do you think Mr. Morton wants with us, Chief?"

"Search me, Ski. You haven’t been up to something have you?"

"Who me? What makes you ask that, Chief?"

"Come on Kowalski, it was only last week that the Exec had to talk to you about gambling in the crew’s quarters."

‘I swear, Chief, I haven’t done a thing."

"Alright, let’s get on with it. Go on. Knock on the door."

Chip Morton let the Chief and Kowalski in and closed the door. He knew it was very important that he follow orders to the letter or the mission would be a failure. He cleared his throat before addressing the two men. "Chief and Kowalski, you have been asked here because we are looking for two volunteers for a very important mission and I happen to know that you two would be perfect for the job. But before you say anything, hear me out. As I said we need volunteers. I can’t order you to do this. It’s a very important and somewhat risky mission. There are no guarantees how things may turn out."

"What kind of a mission is it, sir?" asked Kowalski.

"It’s a very special and somewhat unusual assignment."

"Unusual in what way, sir?" questioned Sharkey.

"Well let me start at the beginning. You know we have two female passengers on board?"

"Yeah, sure," said Kowalski, "We all saw them when they came on board yesterday. Does the assignment have something to do with them?"

"Yes, Kowalski. It has everything to do with them." Chip glanced around the room as if to make sure that no one else was listening. "You see they are not just ordinary women."

"They’re not?" asked Kowalski. "Just what exactly are they?"

"They are special agents with the FBI."

Sharkey and Kowalski looked at each other in surprise.

"I thought the Skipper said they were reporters for some magazine, doing some article on Admiral Nelson and the Seaview?" said Sharkey. "You mean they are really working for the FBI?"

"That’s right, Chief. Now you and Kowalski listen very carefully to what is involved before you decide whether or not you want to volunteer. You see, these agents are supposed to be rendezvousing with a female defector from the other side. This defector said she would only come out of hiding if these agents were to meet her. If she sees anyone else there, then she and her valuable information will just disappear and we will never see her again."

"So she’s delivering information to us from the other side?" said Sharkey.

"That’s right. It’s vital that our government receive this information. Unfortunately, these FBI agents that we have on board are not trained for this type of work. It could be very dangerous. They are not field operatives, they simply work for the FBI in the office. They are definitely not able to meet with this defector because it could be much too dangerous so we have to send someone else in their place. That’s where you two come in."

"Begging your pardon, sir, but...." stammered the Chief.

"Hold on, Chief, let me finish. This defector wanted only female agents to meet her. Somehow she got hold of their names and descriptions and insisted that they be there at the rendezvous. The Admiral was able to get them aboard Seaview but it was decided that they could not complete the mission so...." Morton looked from one man to the other. "That’s why we would like you two to volunteer. You see, Kowalski, you are only a bit taller than one of the agents. She is quite tall and shall we say, robust. Chief, the other agent is, how should I say, built solidly? I’m sure that the two of you, wearing disguises, could pass for these two agents."

"Wearing disguises! You mean dresses?" Kowalski could barely get the words out. He couldn’t believe the Exec was asking him, Kowalski, ladies man, to wear a dress!

Sharkey stood dumbfounded and finally managed to find his voice. "But, sir, don’t you think, I mean, why couldn’t we, I mean......a dress?"

"That’s right, Chief. With the proper clothes and makeup to disguise your faces, it shouldn’t be a problem passing yourselves off as the two FBI agents. It will be dark when you rendezvous with the defector and all you have to do is pick her up and bring her aboard and your part of the assignment will be over. Do I hear you both volunteering? I know the Admiral would be very grateful for your cooperation."

Just then there was a knock at the door.

"Come in," said Chip. The Admiral and Captain Crane entered the room.

"Well, Chief and Kowalski, I’m pleased to see you here. I expect Mr. Morton has briefed you on the details of the special assignment?" Captain Crane glanced over at Morton who nodded.

"Uh,. . . oh, yes sir," answered Kowalski, who was still trying to digest all this information.

"Well, men, I know it is a difficult assignment and it could be a dangerous one but Mr. Morton assured me that you would be perfect for the job."

Captain Crane smiled at the two men and added, "Volunteering for this assignment will look very good on your service records. Good job, men. The rendezvous time is drawing near. Seaview is making good time and we should be there with time to spare. Carry on, Mr. Morton." Crane and the Admiral left the room to return to the observation nose to make final preparations.

********************

A short time later, Kowalski and Sharkey were sitting on their bunks in the crew’s quarters trying to figure out at which point in the conversation with Mr. Morton had they actually said that they were going to volunteer for this assignment. Mr. Morton had assumed that they were going to go ahead with it and had filled them in on all the details of the rendezvous. They had been supplied with a map and were given a bag of clothes each to take with them.

"I’m not doing it Chief, nothing will make me put on a dress. Not for Mr. Morton the Captain or even the Admiral!"

"Oh, come on, Kowalski. It’s not that bad. It will be dark. No one else is going to see us and as soon as we pick up this defector we head right back to Seaview and get out of those clothes and then everybody treats us like heroes."

"Well, I don’t know..."

"Kowalski, you know the Captain and Mr. Morton and the Admiral too, would do anything for the men of the Seaview. I say let’s do this for them. Kind of like showing our appreciation. Come on. What do you say?"

Kowalski could see he was being cornered by Sharkey’s arguments. "Alright, Chief, I’ll do it. But this is the first and last time that I’m getting dressed up as a woman, and that’s it. And you better not tell any of the other guys what we are doing!"

"You think I’m crazy? Come on. We better get into these clothes. The rendezvous is just after midnight tonight. We got less than an hour. Mr. Morton said we could use his cabin to change. Let’s go."

*************************

With the help of the two female FBI agents, Kowalski and Chief Sharkey were able to get fitted into their dresses and shoes. With the addition of wigs and makeup the two men were made to look remarkably like the two women agents, at least from a distance. Kowalski was still grumbling about the assignment but was determined to do the job and get it over with as quickly as possible.

Seaview had already surfaced under cover of the night and a small rubber dinghy was to be launched over the side for Kowalski and Sharkey to paddle to the shore to meet with the defector. Kowalski had been assured that the order had been given that no one was to be in the area of the side hatch when he and Sharkey were to board the dinghy.

It was now time for the Chief and Kowalski to set out. As they made their way to the area where they would find the dinghy, Sharkey suddenly remembered he had forgotten the map in Mr. Morton’s cabin.

"You go ahead, Kowalski, I’ll be right there." He turned and headed back quickly to get the map.

"Aye, Chief." Kowalski stared after the departing Chief and continued on his way to the side hatch. He was thankful, at least that they were able to wear "sensible" shoes instead of something ridiculous like high heels. He could imagine himself tripping down the stairs and being found at the bottom by some of the crew. He still couldn’t believe he was doing this. He felt ridiculous in this outfit and it was pretty uncomfortable, too.

Kowalski checked his watch. It was five minutes past midnight. The Chief had better hurry or they were going to be hard pressed to make it to the rendezvous site on time. As he approached the hatch to the outside, he was relieved to see that no one was around. He opened the side hatch to the outside and stepped out. All of a sudden there was a tremendous burst of applause and then a chorus of wolf whistles and cheers. His face turned a deep shade of red to match his lipstick as he realised every available member of the crew was standing there, including Mr. Morton, Captain Crane and Admiral Nelson. Then suddenly as if by some predetermined signal they all shouted, "APRIL FOOL!!!!!!"

They had got him. The whole thing was a setup. He couldn’t believe it. Chief Sharkey appeared behind him, grinning all over his face, and wearing his own uniform. He had quickly changed and raced back to join in the fun. Kowalski realised that Sharkey had been in on the whole thing from the start.

"Well, Kowalski, " laughed the Chief. "We finally got you. After all those rotten April Fool pranks that you have played on us over the last few years, we finally got you!" A chorus of cheers went up from the men and officers.

"So you mean there is no assignment, no defector? And I bet those two ladies aren’t FBI agents either?" Kowalski couldn’t believe he had been had. He looked around at the smiling faces around him and realised that he had deserved this. He had this coming to him. He had fallen for the whole story, hook, line and sinker. He joined in the laughter as he realised how ridiculous he looked and what a great prank had been played on him, Kowalski, the master of practical jokes.

"Just wait until next year!" promised Kowalski and he grinned. And then to the delight of the crowd he lifted his dress up to his knees and did a little jig.