Drinking Games

Gabrielle is snug in her bedroll, trying to get some shut-eye, when she hears a rustling in the bushes. She darts off the ground and instinctively grabs her staff.

Gabrielle: Who’s there? (walks cautiously towards the bushes) I said who’s there?!

A shadow emerges and Gabrielle automatically swings her staff. It’s Xena, and the blow knocks her on her backside.

Xena: OW!! (rubs her head)
Gab: By the gods! Xena, I’m so sorry! (offers a hand to help Xena up)

Xena grasps Gabrielle’s hand and slowly gets to her feet. She staggers a bit, then steadies herself.

Gab: What’s wrong with you?
Xena: (speech obviously slurred) Nuthin pardner. I fi- am fine.
Gab: (sternly placing her hands on her hips) You were at the tavern, weren’t you? I send you out for bread and you come back like this?! And you had me worried sick, being gone as long as you were.
Xena: (swerving slightly as she stands) Gabr- relll... I brought back bread, like you said. (raising a finger) Ha! That rhymed!

Rummaging through her bag, Xena pulls out a small sack and hands it to Gabrielle.

Gab: (looking in the sack) Xena, these are beer nuts!
Xena: Huh, sat’s funny.

Xena grins and sits down abruptly. There is and even louder rustling in the bushes.

Xena: Gabrall- lulu, won’t you get that? Iss for you. Ha! I rhymed again!

Gabrielle, once more, heads towards the bushes. Another figure emerges and gets bopped on the head with the staff.

Joxer: OW!! (rubs his head)
Gab: Joxer?! How did you find our camp?
Jox: I keenly tracked Xena’s trail.
Gab: Zeus Xena! Think you can leave a more obvious trail next time?
Xena: Um- hum, (raising her finger again) I can esplain....

Gabrielle waits for her explanation.

Xena: .... whoahkay, I can’t.

Gabrielle sighs.

Xena: Josser, I’m glad yer hear...
Gab: You are?!
Jox: You are?! Oh, I mean, you are! Of course you are.
Xena: Lest us play a game!

There is yet another rustling in the bushes. Xena looks expectantly at Gabrielle.

Gab: Oh no! I’m not "getting it" this time, Xena. With my luck it’s be Ephiny, and I’d knock her in the head too.

They sit in silence for a moment, save only Xena’s whistling. Suddenly, Callisto appears from the bushes.

Gab: DAMN IT!!

Callisto swaggers into camp with a half empty bottle of ale in one hand, and a full one in the other.

Callisto: (singing) Not glad I’m feeling sick, thought I might throw-up. Don’t be scared it’s a kiiiiiiick... IT’S CONFUSIA!
Xena: (begins clapping wildly) She rhymed!! Gab- rrrelli, wasn’t that wonderful?!
Cal: Thank you, thank you. (tries taking a bow, but falls on her face)
Gab: Xena, this is Callisto!! (looks down at Callisto) And- she’s not getting up.

Xena staggers over to Callisto, and rolls her over. She is unconscious.

Xena: Oh fiddle sticks! Now she can’t play my game!
Gab: Why would you want Callisto to play a game with you?
Jox: Yeah, she’s... well, she’s bad!
Xena: (getting teary eyed) Because, deep down, she’s my bestest fr-riend. (strokes Callisto’s hair) Wake up... come on. (starts crying) Don’t leave me!
Gab: (pulling Joxer aside) Ugh! She is so drunk! We have to sober her up somehow.
Jox: She’s drunk?!
Xena: (yelling) Don’t you die you silly goose!
Gab: (getting annoyed) Yes Joxer. (shakes her head)
Jox: Oh, I just thought she was having mood swings.

Joxer goes back over to Xena who’s shaking Callisto wildly. Gabrielle sleuthfully grabs a water skin.

Jox: Is she *gulp* dead?
Xena: (bursts into tears and starts wailing) HOW CODE YO SAY SUMPIN LIKE DAT??!!
Jox: (looks confused) Gabrielle, did you understand anything she just said?... (silence) ... Gabrielle?

Suddenly, Gabrielle jumps out in front of Xena and squirts her in the face with water.

Gab: AH HAH! Gotcha! That ought to sober you up!

Xena wipes off her face slowly and there is a tense moment of silence. Then Xena smiles.

Xena: Gabra- goosie, what’d ya do that for?

Gabrielle curses and shakes her head and Callisto’s eyes pop open.

Cal: (gazing up at Xena) Oh Xena... how I lov- err, missed you.

Callisto sits up slowly and takes another drink. Xena throws her arms around her and Gabrielle looks away, disgusted.

Xena: I taught I lost you!! Don’t ever do dat to me again!!
Cal: Hehe! Xena, you do care! (looks at Joxer) Jossers, you ‘ol good for sumpin! (tosses him a bottle of ale) Have a drink!

Joxer fumbles the bottle, recovers it, then drinks eagerly.

Cal: Hey Crabby! Oops, did I say Crabby? You want a drink?

Crabby, I mean, Gabby glares at Callisto.

Gab: I think I’ll pass. I don’t drink with enemies. Come to think of it, I don’t drink.
Xena: What about the time you...
Gab: Hush Xena!
Xena: I wanna play a game now!
Jox: Oooh! A game!
Cal: (clapping excitedly) A game, a game!

They all gather around the campfire.

Gab: (talking to herself) I feel like I’m teaching kindergarten.
Xena: Okay, here’s sa rules. Every time I say, "Crabby Gabby is so flabby," Gabrr- whatever her name is, has to take a drink!
Jox: (looks confused) Um, okay. (starts downing the bottle of ale)
Cal: Josser, when I said you could have a drink, I didn’t mean the whole bottle! Give that back!
Gab: Xena, you call that a game?!
Xena: Yah! Don’t it sound like fun?
Cal: Josser! Give it back! We need that ale for "Crabby Gabby!"

Joxer reluctantly gives back the bottle of ale after taking one final drink.

Gab: Actually, that’s not my idea of a good time!
Xena: Heh heh heh! CRABBY GABBY IS SO FLABBY!!...
Gab: Xena, I'm not going to drink, find something else to play.
Xena: (with an evil grin) Oh yes you are. Josser, Calliso, get her!

A look of fear is seen in Gabrielle's eyes. She stands up and backs away. Joxer and Callisto get up and stagger towards Gabrielle. They then chase her around the campfire in Duck, Duck, Goose fashion. Xena sighs, exasperated.

Xena: You guys couldn't catch a cold!

Xena gets up and Joxer and Callisto back off the pursuit.

Xena: You want a peice of me lil girrl?
Gab: Well, actually I...

With a clumsy drunken leap, Xena tackles Gabrielle who wails and squirms underneath Xena.

Gab: Xena! For gods sake get off me!!
Xena: Gabrr-elll, this game would be a lot less painful on you if you'd juss cuperate.
Gab: Cooperate?
Xena: Whatever.
Joxer: Look what I can do!

Joxer begins bouncing around the campfire like a bunny rabbit. Xena and Callisto laugh.

Cal: That Josser, he's fuunny!
Gab: Xena, if I take a drink, will you get off me please!
Xena: Umm... whoahkay. Since you assed so niceely.

Xena hands Gabrielle the bottle of ale.

Gab: Sheesh! Talk about your peer pressure.

Gabrielle takes a drink and Xena climbs to her feet. Gabrielle looks at the bottle of ale approvingly and takes another big gulp, and then another.

Xena: Gabb... reel, you're cheating! You have to wait to take another drink until I say the magic words!
Gab: Oh yeah?

Gabrielle defiantly takes another drink, and then a few more.

Gab: Take that!

Xena, Callisto, and Joxer sit down and pout.

Cal: Xena, this game's no fun!
Jox: Yeah!
Xena: Alright, we can find sumfin else to do.

Gabrielle takes another drink.

Jox: Gabby, the game's over, you can stop now.

Gabrielle takes yet another drink.

Cal: Crabby! That ale's mine, stop it!!

THE NEXT MORNING...

Xena: (shaking Gabrielle) Gabrielle? Gabrielle wake up!

Gabrielle opens her eyes slowly then sits up. She has a scowl on her face as she rubs the back of her head.

Gab: By the gods, I have the worst headache.
Xena: That's a hangover.
Gab: (ignoring Xena) I had the strangest dream last night. I dreamt Joxer found our camp, and, you were happy to see him. Then, Callisto...

Gabrielle's sentence is cut short when she looks up to see Joxer and Callisto sleeping soundly on a bedroll together.

Gab: Xena? She's, she's here. That's not possible...
Xena: I'm not too sure what happened last night either, it's all a haze. But I do know that you don't hold your ale too well.
Gab: Oh yeah? Well, you're lowsy at coming up with games.
Xena: Like Charades is so fun!
Gab: Xena? When Callisto wakes up, how will we get rid of her?

Xena glances over to Joxer and Callisto on the shared bedroll.

Xena: I have a feeling that when Callisto wakes up with Joxer, she'll get rid of herself.

THE END