Adult Children of Alcoholics
    
    


Coping with Addiction 
Children of alcoholics often reach adulthood with a variety of emotional, 
psychological, and social problems as a result of coping with an alcoholic 
parent and a dysfunctional family. Janet Woititz has called this group "adult 
children of alcoholics" (ACOAs), meaning adults who were raised in alcoholic 
homes. According to Woititz, ACOAs share common characteristics. These 
characteristics are often shared by anyone growing up in a dysfunctional family, 
not only an alcoholic one. Addiction of any kind causes the family to behave in 
abnormal, dysfunctional ways in order to cope. 
The common characteristics of ACOAs evolved from the survival tactics spouses 
and children in alcoholic families used to handle situations over which they had 
no control. Family members often went to great lengths to hide the problems 
associated with alcoholism out of fear, shame, embarrassment and a feeling of 
somehow being responsible. They may have denied the addiction entirely. As the 
children of alcoholic families reached adulthood, the characteristic responses 
no longer proved useful and were detrimental in achieving a healthy lifestyle. 
CHALLENGES FOR ACOAs 
FACING REALITY 
The alcoholic family functions in an abnormal way as a means of coping with the 
alcoholism. The household, daily life and parental behavior are often chaotic 
and unpredictable. Consequently, the adult child has no conception of normal 
family life and has to guess at what is appropriate. Fantasies about "perfect" 
families and "perfect" lives were often used by the growing child in order to 
survive in a very unhappy environment. As an adult, these fantasies prove 
disappointing because they are not realistic. 
There is no such thing as normal, only what is functional or dysfunctional for 
an individual, and what serves his interest best. Learning to trust basic 
instincts about proper behavior is helpful for the ACOA learning to trust 
himself. It is important to confront reality and learn to handle conflict. By 
facing problems as they arise, the ACOA develops confidence in his 
problem-solving ability and no longer uses fantasy as an unrealistic standard or 
coping method. 
COMPLETING PROJECTS 
In childhood, many projects or ideas were started and never completed because a 
parent was unavailable because of drinking. Consequently, the children were 
frequently disappointed by false promises and became distrustful about 
completion of future projects. As an adult child, this translates into 
procrastinating behavior because no proper modeling was provided by the parent. 
The ACOA may have problems organizing or completing projects. 
Learning to develop a game plan for a particular project and breaking it down 
into small steps makes the concept of a major project more manageable and 
realistic for the ACOA. Since no model was provided in childhood, the ACOA 
should realize that this is a skill to be learned, not an inadequacy in himself. 
It can be acquired at any age, not just during childhood. In the workplace, it 
is important for the ACOA to examine the work style most comfortable in 
accomplishing and completing tasks, and realize that these styles are not the 
same for everyone. 
ACHIEVING HONESTY 
Lying becomes the "norm" in an alcoholic family. Lying evolves from the initial 
denial that the alcoholism exists, in the attempts to keep it secret from those 
outside the family, and from the denial of all the negative feelings associated 
with the problems. Children in these families may also lie to prevent abuse from 
the alcoholic parent. 
In adulthood, this dishonesty is no longer effective in coping with problems and 
often creates worse problems, including an inability to acknowledge negative 
feelings. The first step for the ACOA is to realize that he may have lied during 
childhood as a survival tactic, but that it is not appropriate or useful in 
adulthood. Stopping dishonesty involves making an effort on a daily basis and 
not being too judgmental or harsh if there is not immediate and complete 
success. Learning to acknowledge negative feelings improves the ACOA's ability 
to be honest with himself and others. 
ACCEPTING ONESELF 
Children in alcoholic families have a negative self-image because they believe 
themselves to be the cause of their parent's alcoholism. An unrealistic standard 
of perfection is set by the child who believes that if he were somehow perfect, 
the family's problems would dissolve. In adulthood, this creates an "all or 
nothing" mentality: if perfection is not achieved, the adult child sees himself 
as a failure. Adult children are unable to accept themselves as the valuable 
people they are. 
Accepting the fact that one is a flawed and imperfect human being is a primary 
issue for ACOAs. Imperfections must be accepted in order to gain healthy 
self-esteem, go forward with goals and feel successful, both personally and 
professionally. An awareness of basic talents and abilities should be 
acknowledged and accepted. Learning to accept compliments and not taking blame 
for issues beyond the ACOA's control are important steps in developing a 
positive self-image. 
LEARNING TO HAVE FUN 
Life in an alcoholic home is often serious and angry. There is little laughter 
and children are unable to let go, enjoy themselves, and have fun. Relaxation 
and spontaneity are difficult when there is so much tension and stress. In 
adulthood, ACOAs take themselves and life very seriously. They may become 
addicted to work and enter "helping" professions as a way of fulfilling unmet 
needs and dealing with unresolved issues. ACOAs have trouble "playing," 
separating themselves from their work, and may become candidates for burnout. 
Learning how to "play" and have fun is an important skill for adults as well as 
children. The ACOA should plan enjoyable activities which encourage relaxation 
and relieve stress. Developing leisure time away from work is healthy and 
beneficial in teaching the ACOA to separate from his workplace "role" and 
responsibilities. These activities are beneficial in preventing burnout and 
helping the ACOA identify and define himself in a variety of situations. 
DEVELOPING HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS 
Adult children do not understand the concept of healthy relationships because 
they did not experience them in the family during childhood. Inconsistent 
messages about love and trust develop into a fear of abandonment and feelings of 
being unlovable in adulthood. This hinders the process of developing healthy 
relationships and getting close to others. ACOAs can develop healthy 
relationships if they learn to assess themselves and others in a realistic 
manner. Having intimate relationships with others involves many qualities which 
can be developed, such as vulnerability, understanding, empathy, compassion, and 
most importantly, trust. Discovering one's identity and feeling good about it 
are important in creating intimacy with others. 


DEVELOPING INTERNAL VALIDATION 
Because messages of love were so inconsistent during childhood, ACOAs do not 
develop strong self-esteem and consequently must seek it from others. Even when 
this approval is received, it is often dismissed as invalid because it conflicts 
with the negative self-image so firmly entrenched in childhood. Consequently, 
the ACOA relies on external events and people to validate himself instead of on 
a realistic image of himself as a worthy person. 
Building self-confidence is the most effective way for the ACOA to develop 
self-esteem. Trusting in one's own ability, focusing on accomplishing small 
tasks, and giving oneself credit for achievement of goals gives the ACOA a 
feeling of success and an ability to trust in himself. Focusing on the present 
moment and not predicting success or failure in future events decrease anxiety 
and make confidence-building activities more easily attainable. 
Also, accepting negative feedback becomes easier when the ACOA realizes that it 
is not an indication of self worth. Eventually he can rely on himself for 
positive feelings and not be dependent on external events or people for 
validation. 
Conclusion 
The traumatic events of childhood often make the transition into adulthood 
difficult for ACOAs. Resolution of ACOA issues may involve seeking the 
assistance of a professional counselor who is experienced in dealing with 
alcoholism and the family. Surviving childhood in an alcoholic family and 
becoming a healthy adult requires resilience and perseverance, but it is 
possible. 

Funds for this document are provided by the Alcohol and Drug Abuse Program, 
Florida Department of Health and Rehabilitative Services; and the Alcohol, Drug 
Abuse, and Mental Health Program Office, contract #MH602. 
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