I recently started going to the local poetry slam again, because it has
become a huge event comprised by a saddeningly large per centage of
middle class intellectual volvo driving fuckheads and I felt that it
was a sad sign that I was the only poet all night to take the mic in
hand and really lay it down for the people. Anyway, my return was
extremely well received as I had two good new pieces and this is one
of them. You can download a RealAudio file
of me reading it if you like, but it's a pretty tame performance compared to how I
do things when I'm actually onstage.
I Wanna Be the President
I wanna be the President. No, I don't mean I wanna be Clinton cause he got a blowjob from a 23- year-old. Getting a blowjob from a 23-year-old is no big accomplishment. No, I don't wanna be the President who always wears a suit and comes on TV to tell you... in very serious, rational tones... the information you need to hear... and the deep, deep regret he feels for having such an inappropriate relationship. I've looked at Bill Clinton's face and let me tell you one thing, he's not sorry whatsoever. Every time I see him walking out waving to all us little people, he has that look on his face, that "Aww, shucks, I been a bad boy" grin. Maybe that's why I like him, but he doesn't go far enough. I wanna be the President who walks into the middle of the insanity, the Senate floor, wearing a tie-dye t-shirt, smoking a joint, a girl under each arm, and say "Hey, I'm sorry, guys!", get up on the desk of that guy that's always banging the gavel like he was doing a Richard Simmons impression, get up on that desk, drop my pants and dance a little jig! I wanna be the President, but not the one that looks down at their notes every minute to find their place in a speech they probably only read themselves a few minutes earlier. I wanna write my OWN goddamn speeches! I want the State of the Union address to be one long slam piece! I don't want no goddamn podium, I want a wireless mic and I want ROOM, I want networks to have to BID to be the one that gets to carry it! I want it to be the highest rated show in the goddamn country! I wanna be the President that's actually MORE IMPORTANT THAN SEINFELD! I don't wanna go to Camp David, I wanna go to AMSTERDAM! Reagen was an actor before he was president, by god, I wanna be an actor WHILE I'm president! I wanna be the President who has a NUMBER ONE HIT SINGLE! I wanna be Bob Roberts on goddamn nitrous oxide! I'd declare war on SWITZERLAND... just to see what they'd DO! I'd REPAINT THE GODDAMN WHITE HOUSE in REFLECTIVE BLACK PAINT, the kind they use on Stealth Bombers, the shit that gives you cancer if you just TOUCH IT! "GRASSY KNOLL" my Cupid ASS, I'm not going for a drive in public unless my limousine is a motherfucking SHERMAN TANK. I wanna be the first President with a COURT MAGICIAN! I'm gonna re-open the X, Y, AND Z files! This is it. The director of the CIA is dead unless he retires in six months. I'm gonna be the first President to get arrested for threatening to SHOOT HIMSELF! I'm taking over the country as of tomorrow. My sermon is done.