A golf instructor was having a terrible time getting a woman student to
get control of her swing.  Finally he said, "Tell you what - just
grab hold of that club like it was your husband's dick and haul off
and hit it."  She did, and made a great drive down the center of the
fairway.  The instructor said, "Hey, that was really great.  Now, take
the club out of your mouth and see what you can do with your hands."

A guy and his lady friend were walking down the street one day in the heat of the summer.

"Boy it's hot out today."  The lady said.
"Yeah" the man replies.  "I'd bet you'd be a lot cooler without your panites."
"You're nasty" she said and they continued to walk.

Five minutes later.........

"I can't remember it ever being this hot" said the lady.
"You're right" the man replied.  "You should take your panites off, you'll be much cooler."
"Stop it" the lady said. "You really are nasty!"
"No really" the man countered.  "Look at that old woman over there, here panties are around
her ankles.  Hey old lady!" the man shouted.  "Isn't it much cooler with your panties around your ankles?"
"Well that may be........" the old lady said, "but it sure keeps the flies of my watermellon!"

Two men were changing in the locker room after a raquetball game.  One
notices the other putting on pantyhose.  He says "Say, when did you start
wearing pantyhose?" to which the second replies "When my wife found a pair
in the glove compartment."

A man was watering is lawn one day when he looked and comming up the
street was two hearse's followed by a man , his dog and a single file line
of about 200 men. The guy watering his lawn thought this was rather odd
and decided to ask the first guy (with the dog) what was going on. The guy
said "thats my wife in the first hearse, my dog bit her and she died". The
guy watering the lawn said "Oh, I'm terribly sorry to hear that, what
about the second hearse?". The other guy said "well thats my
mother-in-law, my dog also bit her and she died". The guy with the lawn
thinks for a minute and says " can I borrow your dog?". The guy with the
dog responds "back of the line!!".

Up on the Arizona plateau three cowboys are relaxing around the campfire.
The first cowboy a Californian stands up, opens a new bottle of Chardonnay,
takes a sip and throws the rest over a sheer cliff announcing to the other
two, "In California we have so much wine we only drink from the bottle
once!"

Seeing that, the Mexican cowboy stands up, cracks open a fresh bottle of
tequila, takes a sip and throws the bottle over the cliff announcing to the
other two, "In Mexico we have so much tequila we only drink from the bottle
once!"

Not to be out done the Arizona cowboy stands up, pops open a cold beer,
shakes a little salt in it, slams the entire can, grabs the Californian and
throws him over the cliff. He looks over to the Mexican and says, "Pedro,
in Arizona we have so many Californians we only drink with them once!"

This man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey. He takes and downs it then looks into his shirt pocket. He then says "Bartender another whiskey!"

He takes the whiskey and downs it then looks in his pocket again. Then yells "Bartender another whiskey!". The bartender gives him another he downs it and looks in his pocket and then orders another whiskey. This process continues for sometime until finally the bartender gets curious and says "Listen buddy why is it you look into your shirt pocket after you down each of your drinks?"

The guy replies "Well you see I got a picture of my wife in there and when she starts to look good I know it's time to go home"

Hear about the blonde who got sick of the stereotypical comments, and decided to prove how smart she was by learning all the capitals of every country in the world? Took her a couple of weeks, but she did it. First chance she got, she revealed her newfound knowledge to some dork who made a sarky comment about blondes. "REally? quoth the guy? OK, what's the capital of England?" That's easy she replies. "E".

A guy sits down at the bar, orders a drink and holds his head in his hands. When the bartender comes back, the guy is swearing softly under his breath and shaking his head. "Hey Bob, what's happening?" asks the bartender. "I'm in DEEP SHIT," repies the customer. "I just got caught screwing my neighbor." "Oh wow!" says the barman, "Who caught you? Your wife?" "No said the customer, "HIS wife!"

Two drunks laying in an alley, A policeman Walks up and notices one drunk with his finger up his buddie's ass,He says," what in the hell are you doing?" The drunk replied, "this is my friend and he's sick and I'm gonna make him throw up".The policeman said,"You won't make him throw up like that". The drunk replied,"The hell i won't, you wait until I stick my finger in his mouth, he'll throw up."

Two bums decided to go bar hopping. To their predicament, they only have 10 dollars between the two of them. "Hey I got this idea," said the first bum. "Let's go buy a dildo, and once we've drank a few beers, you place the dildo between your legs and I'll pretend I'm giving you head. For sure they'll throw us out, then we don't have to pay anything." "Great idea," said the 2nd bum.

So after a few rounds of beer in the 1st bar, they proceeded with their plan. Indeed they were thrown out and did not have to pay for the tab.

After being thrown out of 5 bars, the first bum said "Hic, Lets's call it a night. I'm dead drunk. Give me the dildo and we'll do it again tomorrow." The 2nd drunk answered, "Hic, sorry, I lost the dildo ... hic... when they threw us out of the 1st bar."

There was a guy who walks into a bar and sees a little 12 inch man sitting at a miniature baby grand piano, dressed in a tuxedo, playing Beethovens 5th. The guy walked up to the bar where the guy was playing, and asked the bartender, "where did you find this guy?". The bartender explained they had a magic bullfrog. "put your hand on this bullfrog and wish for something and you get what you ask for". The gut didn't really believe the bartender, but the bartender said" Just ask and see, but you only get one chance, one time, and thats it" So the guy still not really believing this puts his hand on the frog and says" I want a million bucks!" and POOF feathers start flying and there are ducks everywhere! The guy looks around and yells at the bartender" whats the matter with that frog! is it hard of hearing? I said a million bucks, not a million ducks!!!!! The bartender leaned over the bar and calmly whispered to the man "You really don't think I asked for a 12 inch pianist do you?

A wife and a husband were falling on hard times when suddenly the washer broke down. The wife asked, "Honey, are you going to fix the washer?" The lazy husband said, "Do I look like the MayTag Repairman?" The next day her car broke down and she asked, "Baby, are you going to fix the car?" Again he smart-mouthed, "Do I look like Mr. Goodwrench?" Two days later she came in with great news. "Honey, I found a man that will fix our car and washing machine for free if I either fix him dinner or sleep with him!" The husband finally got interested and said harshly, "I hope you fixed him dinner," he said. She smiled. "Do I look like Betty Crocker?"

Three women are having lunch, discussing their husbands. The first says, "My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a pair of stockings in his jacket pocket, and they weren't mine!"

The second says, "My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a condom in his wallet, so I poked it full of holes with my sewing needle!"

The third woman fainted.

A butcher just out of trade school, applies for and gets, a job in North- West America, skinning and cutting up the kills of local hunters. The first job he gets is to cut up a moose to put in the freezer. He finally gets the moose cut up and is putting it into bags and marking them with the contents - chops, rump steak, ribs, sirloin, etc. When he finishes with the stuff he knows, he is left with a pile of unidentifiable parts. At a loss as to what to do with them, he finally puts them all into one bag and labels them......moosellanious.

(am I hearing some groans?;)

A man is on his way home from work one afternoon in LA and he's stopped in traffic and thinks, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. We're not even moving."

He notices a police officer walking down the highway in between the cars and he rolls down his window and asks, "Excuse me officer, what's the holdup?"

"O.J. just found out the verdict; He's all depressed. He's lying down in the middle of the highway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and light himself on fire. He just doens't have the $33.5 million for the Goldmans. I'm walking around taking up a collection.

The man said, "Oh really? How much have you collected so far?"

"About three hundred gallons."

Two guys are walking down the street. The guy on the left is dragging his right leg, and the guy on the right is dragging his left leg. The guy on the right says to the guy on the left, "What happened to you, man?" He says, "Viet Nam, 1969. What about you?" He says, "Dog shit, about two blocks back."

A lady gets on a train with her baby. A guy sitting across from her looks at the baby and starts laughing hysterically. He says, "Lady, that's the ugliest kid I've ever seen. It looks like a monkey. What an ugly kid." The lady freaks out, and goes running into the next car sobbing uncontrollably. The conductor sees her, comes over to her to console her. He says, "Lady, relax...things are going to be all right...we'll get off at the next stop, get a cup of coffee...maybe we'll even find a banana for your monkey."

A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along. "I'll never do that again!" he told his mother that evening. "I didn't catch a thing!" "Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away," his mother said. The boy said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the bait."

There is a guy on a plane who has to take a shit really badly. Well unlike most aircraft, the bathrooms on this plane are gender oriented. Unfortunately for the guy, the mens bathroom has a really long line while the womens bathroom remains unoccupied. The guy informs the stewardess of his unfortunate situation and she allows him to use the womens bathroom. The guys sits on the pot and *KABLAM*, he takes the biggest, wettest shit ever. In a daze of shit relief he notices four buttons on the side of the wall next to the toilet: WW WA PP ATR (In that order from left to right). Well being the curious person he is, he presses WW, and all of a sudden warm water shoots up his ass and cleans it off. Happily noticing that his ass is now completely clean, he decides to hit WA, and now a blast of warm air shoots up and dries his ass off. Thinking that this is too cool, he hits PP and a hand comes out and powder puffs his ass. With his ass now clean and dry and smelling like roses he can't figure out what the hell ATR would do but presses it anyways. All of a sudden everything goes dark and he wakes up in extreeme pain in a hospital bed. He asks the doctor what the hell happened and the doctor says "You hit the Automatic Tampon Remover..... By the way your dick is under the pillow!!!" *CHUCKLE* :)

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