1.Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking about himself/herself. 
2.When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food. 
3.Without asking, eat off of your date's plate. Eat more from their plate than they do. 
4.Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full, and spray crumbs. If a crumb lands anywhere near your date, pick up the crumb, put it in your mouth and say, "I'm all about conservation." 
5.Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed in front of you. 
6.Excuse yourself to use the rest room. Go back to the head waiter/ hostess and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask them "What took you so long in the bathroom?" 
7.Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to you. 
8.Ask the people at neighboring tables for food from their plates. 
9.Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep bringing the subject up periodically throughout the meal. 
10.Order a bucket of lard. 
11.Ask for crayons to color the place mat. You'll need to be extra persuasive in fancier restaurants with linen tablecloths. 
12.Howl and whistle at women's legs, especially if you are female. 
13.Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets and relatives. 
14.Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows, with a good view of all exits, and where your back will be facing a wall. Act nervous. 
15.Lick your plate. Offer to lick your date's. 
16.Hum. Loudly. In monotone. 
17.Stare at your date's neck and grind your teeth audibly. 
18.Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know what they are talking about. 
19.Drool. 
20.Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds. 
21.Sacrifice french fries to a Pagon god. 
22.Discretely fill your pockets with sugar packets, napkins, salt shakers, silverware, floral arrangements, etc... 
23.Hold a debate. Take both sides. 
24.Undress your date verbally. 
25.Attempt to auction your date off to people nearby. 
26.After getting your food slide under the table. Take your plate with you. 
27.Order a baked potato. When the waiter brings your food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter for the potato you "never got". When the waiter returns with another potato, have the first one back on your plate. 
28.Order beef tongue. Make lewd comparisons or comments about it. 
29.Get your date drunk. Talk about their philosophy and tape the conversation. Later use good judgment in editing to twist their words around. 
30.Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience. 
31.Occasionally speak in Pig Latin throughout the meal. 
32.Take a break, and go into the rest room. When you return to the table, throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one of the chairs. Tell your date, "They need to air out." 
33.Order for your date. Order more food then he/she can possible eat. Tell them they "must eat it all or suffer the consequences." 
34.If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the menu. Take one bite, pretend like the food is disgusting and say, "Man, did you get ripped off!" 
35.Bring twenty candles with you to the restaurant. During the meal get up and arrange them around the table in a circle. Chant. 
36.Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you're taking them home to your invalid, senile old mother, because it's a lot cheaper than actually feeding her. 
37.Ask your date how much money they have with them. 
38.Refuse to speak to your date. Request that they mime the conversation instead. 
39.During dinner guard your plate with your fork and steak knife. Give the impression that you'll stab anyone, including the waiter, reaching for it. 
40.Collect all of the salt shakers from tables surrounding yours. Use them to build a tower on your table. 
41.Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice. 
42.Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions. 
43.Repeat every third third word you say say. 
44.Proudly explain to your date that you were voted "Most Festerous" in your high school yearbook. Give examples of why it was appropriate. 
45.Read a newspaper, book or listen to a book on tape during the meal. 
46.Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt. 
47.Insist that the waiter cut your food into little pieces. 
48.Insist that the waiter take one bite from everything served to you. Explain that you need to make sure no one has poisoned your food. 
49.Accuse your date of espionage. Pretend you have a secret microphone hidden on your body and you are talking the CIA. 
50.Don't use any verbs during the entire meal. 

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations. 
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store. 
3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day. 
4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in. 
5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners. 
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap. 
7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters. 
8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit. 
9. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles. 
10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens. 
11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10". 
12. Play with the automatic doors. 
13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment. 
14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this junk, anyway?" 
15. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department. 
16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive." 
17. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department. 
18. Play soccer with a group of friend, using the entire store as your playing field. 
19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!" 
20. Put M&M's on layaway. 
21. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas. 
22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath. 
23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles. 
24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon. 
25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!" 
26. TP as much of the store as possible. 
27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles. 
28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down. 
29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?" 
30. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!" 
31. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?" 
32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X- Men. 
33. Take bets on the battle described above. 
34. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics. 
36. Hold indoor shopping cart races. 
37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission: Impossible." 
38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags. 
39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags. 
40. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?" 
41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store. 
42. Two words: "Marco Polo." 
43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc. 
44. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics. 
46. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word. 
47. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out. 
48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!" 
49. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time. 
50. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it. 

1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream, "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt. 
2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes and then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you. 
3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the darned thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, and repeat the process for a good half hour. 
4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly. 
5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to a different screen than the one it's set up with. 
6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over and over again. 
7. Work normally for awhile. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk. 
8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top- secret Pentagon files. 
9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know. 
10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on. 
11. Bring a chain saw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously. 
12. Type on VAX for awhile. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes about everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing. 
13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing. 
14. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting. 
15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I forgot." 
16. Every time you press return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes. 
17. "DISK FIGHT!" 
18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (it helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends). 
19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw. 
20. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required. 
21. Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper and tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless. 
22. Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge in the 3.5 disk drive. When it doesn't work, get the supervisor. 
23. When you are on an IBM and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those. 
24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when it's all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line. 
25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After doing this for awhile, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you. 
26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to you. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger. 
27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them, and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave. 
28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British royal family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you. 
29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them on top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic. 
30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions. 
31. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue working. 
32. Bring some dry ice and make it look like the computer is smoking. 
33. Assign a musical note to every key (ex. the delete key is A-flat). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way. 
34. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse. 
35. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard, and taking it. 
36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun. 
37. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best. 
38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab. 
39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does your delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until, you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and leave. 
40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer's glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.) 
41. Stare at the person's next to yours screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go. 
42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made-up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRR!" Peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again. 
43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them. 
44. See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you've known them all your lives. Hang up before they get a chance to figure out you're a total stranger. 
45. Bring a small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost. 
46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work. 
47. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim "You're such a marvel!!", and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out. 
48. Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then calmly sit down and begin to type. 
49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, "Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week." 
50. Two words: Tesly Coil 

1) When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, ossifer, there's no blood in my alcohol?" 
2) When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to race. 
3) When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf. 
4) If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my speedometer only goes to...... 
5) Touch him. 
6) When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you had to buy a hat. 
7) Ask him where he bought his cool hat. 
8) Refer to him by his first name. 
9) Pretend you are gay and ask him out. 
10) When he says no, cry. 
11) If he says yes, accuse him of sexual harassment. 
12) If the cop is a woman, tell her how ugly she is, but in a nice way. 
13) If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw yourself on the hood.. 
14) When he asks you to spread them, tell him you don't go that way. 
15) When he puts the handcuffs on, say "Usually my dates buy me dinner first" 
16) Ask to be fingerprinted with candy, cause you don't like ink on your fingers. 
17) After you sign the ticket and give it to him, say "Oops! That's the wrong name." 
18) Bribe him with donuts, and when he agrees, tell him sorry, I just ate the last one. 
19) When he comes up to the car, say "License and registration, please" right when he says it. 
20) When he goes to read you your rights, sing "La La La, I can't hear you!" 
21) Trip and fall into him. 
22) Accuse him of police brutality when he pushes you away. 
23) Before you sign the ticket, pick your nose. You have to sign with his pen. 
24) Chew on the pen, nervously. 
25) Clean your ear with the pen. 
26) If it's a click pen, take it apart and play with the spring. 
27) Ask if he has a daughter. If he says yes, say I thought the name sounded familiar..... 
28) Ask him if he ever worked in a prison. If he says yes, ask him how the plumbing was. 
29) Act like you are retarded. 
30) When he's telling you what you did wrong, start repeating him, quietly. 
31) Or mumble to yourself. 
32) When he tells you to stop, say what are you talkin about, DUDE? 
33) Drive to Dunkin Donuts and say hmmm....only 5 of you here tonight....... 
34) Ask if they know how to make the donuts. 
35) When he comes to the car, say I have a badge just like yours! 
36) Ask if he watches Cops. 
37) Ask if ever watched Cop Rock. 
38) Giggle if he did. 
39) Talk to your hand. 
40) Ask if he knows someone named Rosy Palm and her Five Favorite Friends. 
41) Accuse him of Sexual Harassment if he does. 
42) When he frisks you, say You missed a spot, and grin. 
43) When he asks to inspect your car, say there is no alcohol in my car, sir, the last cop got it. 
44) Try to sell him your car. 
45) Ask if you can buy his car. 
46) If he takes you to the station, Ask to sit in front. 
47) Play with the siren. 
48) If you know him, say you had his wife for dinner. 
49) If you don't know him, ask if you can have his wife for dinner. 
50) Oops...I meant OVER for dinner. 
51) Ask if he ever had pun-tang. 
52) If he asks what it is, point at him and giggle. 
53) If there is someone else in the car, talk to each other in tongues. 
54) When he acts confused, keep talking, look at him and laugh. 
55) When you are in the back, touch his neck through the fencing. 
56) Turn your head and whistle. 
57) When he pulls out his night stick, say what you gonna do with that. 
58) If you are female, say I don't do that on the first date. 
59) If he sticks you in the back of the car, cower in the corner, suck your thumb, and whine. 
60) Ask if you can see his gun. 
61) When he says you aren't allowed, tell him I just wanted to see if mine was bigger. 
62) Stare at his lights and say "Look at the pretty colors!" 
63) Tell him you like men in uniform. 
64) Ask if you can borrow his uniform for a Halloween party.

1. Man, I have no idea how fast I was going'! 
2. Can you hand me your gun? 
3. Care for a doughnut? 
4. Whatever you do, don't search my trunk. 
5. What exactly is "legally drunk"? 
6. So, what's a good bribe go for around here? 
7. I hope you realize you're about to ruin a perfect record. 
8. Okay, so I was speeding and I let you catch me - how about best of  three? 
9. If I were you I'd let me go! 
10. Met your quota?  Happy now? 
11. I want your badge number and your superior officer's name right now! 
12. You should give the ticket to my damn unreliable cruise control. 
13. Speeding is an abstract concept, don't you think? 
14. If I had known you were there I would never have been going that fast! 
15. When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, ossifer, there's no blood in my alcohol?" 
16. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to race. 
17. When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf. 
18. If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my speedometer only goes to... 
19. Touch him. 
20. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you had to buy a hat. 
21. Ask him where he bought his cool hat. 
22. Refer to him by his first name. 
23. Pretend you are gay and ask him out. 
24. When he says no, cry. 
25. If he says yes, accuse him of sexual harassment. 
26. If the cop is a woman, tell her how ugly she is, but in a nice way. 
27. If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw yourself on the hood. 
28. When he asks you to spread them, tell him you don't go that way. 
29. When he puts the handcuffs on, say "Usually my dates buy me dinner first." 
30. Ask to be fingerprinted with candy, cause you don't like ink on your fingers. 
31. After you sign the ticket and give it to him, say "Oops! That's  the wrong name." 
32. Bribe him with donuts, and when he agrees, tell him sorry, I just ate the last one. 
33. When he comes up to the car, say "License and registration, please" right when he says it. 
34. When he goes to read you your rights, sing "La La La, I can't hear you!" 
35. Trip and fall into him. 
36. Accuse him of police brutality when he pushes you away. 
37. Before you sign the ticket, pick your nose. You have to sign with his pen. 
38. Chew on the pen, nervously. 
39. Clean your ear with the pen. 
40. If it's a click pen, take it apart and play with the spring. 
41. Ask if he has a daughter.  If he says yes, say I thought the name sounded familiar... 
42. Ask him if he ever worked in a prison. If he says yes, ask him 
how the plumbing was. 
43. Act like you are retarded. 
44. When he's telling you what you did wrong, start repeating him, quietly. 
45. Or mumble to yourself. 
46. When he tells you to stop, say what are you talkin about, DUDE? 
47. Drive to Dunkin Donuts and say hmmm... only 5 of you here tonight... 
48. Ask if they know how to make the donuts. 
49. When he comes to the car, say I have a badge just like yours! 
50. Ask if he watches Cops. 
51. Ask if ever watched Cop Rock. 
52. Giggle if he did. 
53. Talk to your hand. 
54. Ask if he knows someone named Rosy Palm and her Five Favorite Friends. 
55. Accuse him of Sexual Harassment if he does. 
56. When he frisks you, say you missed a spot, and grin. 
57. When he asks to inspect your car, say there is no alcohol in my car, sir, the last cop got it. 
58. Try to sell him your car. 
59. Ask if you can buy his car. 
60. If he takes you to the station, Ask to sit in front. 
61. Play with the siren. 
62. If you know him, say you had his wife for dinner. 
63. If you don't know him, ask if you can have his wife for dinner. 
64. Oops... I meant OVER for dinner. 
65. Ask if he ever had pu-tang. 
66. If he asks what it is, point at him and giggle. 
67. If there is someone else in the car, talk to each other in tongues. 
68. When he acts confused, keep talking, look at him and laugh. 
69. When you are in the back, touch his neck through the fencing. 
70. Turn your head and whistle. 
71. When he pulls out his night stick, say what you gonna do with that. 
72. If you are female, say I don't do that on the first date. 
73. If he sticks you in the back of the car, cower in the corner, suck your thumb, and whine. 
74. Ask if you can see his gun. 
75. When he says you aren't allowed, tell him I just wanted to see if mine was bigger. 
76. Stare at his lights and say "Look at the pretty colors!" 
77. Tell him you like men in uniform. 
78. Ask if you can borrow his uniform for a Halloween party. 
79. Course I'm pissed officer, you'd think I'd drive like this if I was sober. 
80. Hey Asshole! Buckle UP! 
81. Officer, if I weren't so drunk right now i'd get out of this truck and kick your ass. 
82. (After receiving a ticket) Thanks a lot, Officer Fuckhead! 
83. Is that a baton in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me. 
84. I was just on my way to your sisters house. 
85. Say, officer, isn't that your mom standing around on the corner? 
86. Are you just mad at me 'cause you couldn't go to college? 
87. You can't do that, this isn't my car! 
88. You look a little slow today, what, one too many doughnuts? 
89. I normally keep all that junk right here (pointing to the dash board), but you see, this isn't my car, and uh, right! This isn't my beer either! 
90. I dare ya to arrest me! 
91. Ha ha! I got your guu-uun! (long on gun as in a mocking tone) 
92. Bet ya can't keep up with me now that your on foot! (and drive away) 
93. Can i borrow that pen?  Thanks, just wanna break it so ya can't write me up! 
94. Go to hell and have a nice day!  (after tearing up ticket) 
95. Could ya leave me alone for a sec? I just want to finish this beer. 
96. Hey!  That's my beer! 
97. Leave me alone!  Go eat some doughnuts or something 
98. No officer!  That beer is Ralph's.  No, he's sitting right there! Don't ya see him? 
99. 60 mph in a 30mph area? Could you put down 70 - I'm trying to sell the car. 
100. Yes, officer I saw your flashing lights, but you didn't seem to be catching me, so I assumed you were after someone else. 
101. Hey, you must'a been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job! 
102. Sorry, officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. 
103. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer. 
104. Excuse me, but is "stick up" hyphenated? 
105. Hi officer, do you mind holding my beer while I find my driver's license? 
106. You know, I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead. 
107. Bad cop!  No donut! 
108. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around, that's how far I am behind the other cars. 
109. You're NOT gonna check the trunk, are you? 
110. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked last week on "COPS"? 
111. I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket. 
112. So, uh, you "on the take" or what? 
113. Gee, officer!  That's terrific.  The police officer yesterday only gave me a warning too! 
114. Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does. 
115. So, are you still crabby because your mamma didn't let you play with your gun when you were little? 
116. Hey is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum. 
117. When you smack the crap outta me, make sure you smile pretty for the video camcorder. 
118. Is it true that people become policemen because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?