Subject: What Kind of Pagan Are You?
1. Anal Retentive Ceremonial
Book collection actually holds up the ceiling in places. Is studying
Greek, Latin and Hebrew all at once. Does "workings" instead of "rituals".
All twenty volumes of their magical diaries are in Enochian.Distinguishing Signs
Won't go anywhere without a book. Is constantly aware of which direction
is east. Dresses according to planetary conditions, or whatever was on sale
at Wal-Mart2. Ravin' Pagan
Young and psychedelic. Can dance non-stop all night. Refuses to do boring
Eurocentric rituals and prefers deities from sunny climes with lots of
interesting local plants. Can say "Ayahuasca" ten times real fast and
deliver long quotes from Terrence McKenna.Distinguishing Signs
Dresses in color combinations that hurt the eyes unless you've taken
ecstasy. Bloodshot eyes, blissful smile, never goes anywhere without ritual
drum.3. Dances With Bunnyrabbits
Uses animal symbolism to express nearly all opinions and feelings. Charter
member of PETA. Thinks meat eaters should be publicly executed. Has many,
many, many pets. Has a spirit animal. Personally owns 927 models, pictures,
and other depictions of their spirit animal.Distinguishing Signs
Not counting the pagan his/herself, how many animals can you see when
looking at them? If the count surpasses five (including critters found on
tattoos, jewelry, garments and undies), you've found a worshipper of
beasties.4. Childe Ov Kaos
Can name seventeen industrial goth bands without pausing to think. Knows
what a Prince Albert is. Personally feels that if no panicky headlines
appear the day after you do a ritual, you screwed up. Painted on their
jacket, engraved in their flesh and/or boldly displayed as jewelry is an
emblem which resembles a combination of corporate logo and arcane symbol. If
you don't know what it means, they'll think you're a dweeb.Distinguishing Signs
Easy to picture as an alternative musician or bike messenger, difficult to
visualize as a school teacher or research assistant, impossible to imagine
as a TV news anchor or bank officer. Always wears black leather, even when
sleeping.5. Bright-Eyed Novice
You just read this cool book about a religion where there's a Goddess and
a God, and they meet outside in nature, instead of some scary old building.
They think sex is good, not evil, and you want to know where to sign up.Distinguishing Signs
Mispronounces god/dess names, has to think a moment about which is deosil
and which is widdershins. Has a shiny new athame (rhymes with "A-frame".)6. Crowley-In-A-Past-Life
Every magical gathering has at least one of these, along with several
variants along the lines of Gerald Gardner, Tituba, Morgan LeFey, or somebod
who was Atlantean royalty. Many of them were abducted by aliens recently,
and have disturbing dreams rich with arcane symbolism that they will tell
you all about, in great detail.Distinguishing Signs
Look for the intense gleam in the eyes, the backpack rattling with various
psychiatric medications, and the garments that were clearly designed and
tailored on another planet.7. Fairie Queen
Is he a she? Is she a he? Are they a couple, or are those two a couple or
are all four of them a quadruple? If getting answers to these questions
could disturb you, best stay away. If, on the other hand, these kind of
questions seem overly judgmental, you might have a real good time ...Distinguishing Signs
When you look at this person, does every sex act you've ever experienced
in your life seem hopelessly vanilla? If so, congratulations -- you've found
a Fairie!8. Grand Old Wo/Man
Actually remembers Woodstock (the first one.) Will tell you about the time
they dropped acid with Kerry Wendell Thornley - or maybe it was Robert Anton
Wilson. Anyway, it was somebody with three names. Or was it three people
with one name?Distinguishing Signs
Luxuriant gray locks, listens very intently, knows dish about people
you've only read about.9. Fundamentapagan
If it's in a book, it must be true. If it's in an old book, it must really
be true. If it's in an old book that was handed down from an oral
tradition of people who couldn't read, then it must really be way true.
Gnashes their teeth if anyone shows up at a circle wearing a watch, glasses,
or other mechanical assistance. Believes that anyone who lives in a city,
eats meat or has a regular job dare not call themselves a pagan.Distinguishing Signs
Has hissy fits when somebody brings up the old "Crowley ghosted Gardner's
books" argument. Goes around correcting everyone's gaelic/old
norse/latin/babylonian.10. Het-Case
Insists that they aren't homophobic; they just believe that Paganism is
about a goddess and a god and they do it and what could be more obvious than
that? It just doesn't "work right" if you try any other way! Are secretly
afraid that gays and/or lesbians are dying to jump their tender hetero
bones.Distinguishing Signs
Living spaces abound with depictions of satyrs with enormous genitals and
huge-breasted, doe-eyed goddesses. Also long manicured nails and wreaths of
flowers (on females only -- men have big, bushy beards instead).11. High Episcopagan
Do their rituals have a script, a choreographer, a stage manager, an
orchestra with chorus and do these rituals last at least three hours? It's
a High Episcopagan! They can memorize pages and pages of Olde English, have
more ritual garb than most people have socks, and consider their main pagan
influences to be Gerald Gardner, Judy Garland and Busby Berkeley.Distinguishing Signs
Book of Shadows exceeds five volumes. Knows every note of "Carmina
Burana". Don't ask them about that 18th century seed-pearl trim on their
ritual hat unless you've got an hour to spare.12. Monster Truck Pagan
Can build own house, kill own food, school own children, and brew own
hootch. Owns guns. Anointing oil is 30 weight. Scrying mirror says "objects
are closer than they appear".Distinguishing Signs
Athame is a Gerber with a compass and waterproof secret compartment. Eats
meat with visible twitches of pleasure. Ritual robes are made from cammo
fabric.13. Norse Code
Heroic and vikingly, these pagans often get into trouble with festival
organizers and park rangers due to their fondness for running around with
huge battle-axes in one hand and full mead horns in the other. They throw
the best parties, but if you're a wimp, you're expressly not invited.Distinguishing Signs
Look for the large, foreboding, biker-like persons wearing runes, with
many pounds of amber dangling from their necks.14. Our Lady Of Intense Suffering
Is constantly persecuted. You're probably persecuting her right now, you
just don't realize it. Became a Pagan because she decided it was that most
persecuted religion of all. Can't enjoy anything because it would be selfish
to have any fun when so many are suffering.Distinguishing Signs
Tales of woe. Even less of a sense of humor than Priest/ess of Political
Correctness. Bristles when anyone says the words "masochist" or "whining".15. Pagan Celebrity
At conventions, stays on the hotel floor that requires a special key for
elevator access. Lurks around knots of conversation eavesdropping in order
to see if their name is being mentioned. Arrives in helicopter especially
for rituals. Starts every sentence with "I". If you ask them how it's going,
they hand you a press release.Distinguishing Signs
Always has plenty of books to autograph and will personally sell them to
you at a slight discount from cover price. Never seen unaccompanied by beefy
amazonian bodyguards and doe-eyed hangers-on. Seems vaguely afraid of anyone
they don't already know.16. Pentacles, Inc.
Pagans have disposable income too, right? So how come they aren't buying
my hand-forged Venus of Wellendorf necklaces -- they come in silver and
gold, and each one has a genuine cubic zirconium belly button. Would you
like a reading? Will that be Visa or MasterCard?Distinguishing Signs
Has business cards featuring little embossed pentagrams. You've never seen
so much Egyptian god/dess jewelry on a human being in your whole life.17. Priest/ess of Political Correctness
Analyzes everything they read or hear for sexist, racist, homophobic,
imperialist, Eurocentric content without paying attention to what is
actually being said. Believes in personal liberty -- everyone has the right
to be overbearing, dogmatic and holier-than-thou, not just the Xtian Right.
Incredibly boring yet annoyingly self-righteous all at the same time.Distinguishing Signs
Beady hyper-alert little eyes are constantly in motion, waiting for
someone to do or say something bad. Has loud and attention attracting hissy
fits when confronted with everyday things such as advertising or corporate
franchises. Rudimentary sense of humor is rarely activated.18. Scary Devil Worshipper
Would never be caught dead skyclad. Rarely smiles, except in a snide,
knowing way which insinuates you are an ignorant peasant worthy only of
conquest. Secretly enjoys Rush Limbaugh, and read The Bell Curve with smug
satisfaction. Fascinated with Nazis. Probably has never hurt a fly, but they
want you to think they're capable of vast destruction.
Distinguishing Signs
Lots of black and red. Men like goatees, women favor heavy black eyeliner.
At least one inverted pentagram somewhere on their person. If you see
several of them getting tanked in a bar, it would be wise to stay far away.19. Sexy Pagan Nymph
Oh, they're so nice! All that warm, round, sex-positive flesh -- and you
can actually carry on a conversation with them between orgasms... pant,
drool...Distinguishing Signs
Cute. Horny. Displays prominent cleavage. Will recite love poetry to you
under a full moon. Likes to do it outdoors. Often destitute. All too few of
them.20. Womyncentric Gynocrat
A man's shadow crossed her altar once and she spent three weeks purifying
it. She'll have no wands in her chalice, thank you. No boys allowed in her
full-moon club. Can hold forth for hours on the magical properties of
menstrual blood.Distinguishing Signs
Tiny axes or curved knives, just right for amputating a penis, are a
favored symbol and often hang conveniently from her body parts. When a man
approaches, she rolls her eyes and stops talking.21. Corporate Closet Witch
"Hey, boss -- I'd like to take February 2nd as a personal day..." Has an
entire chapter of their Book Of Shadows concerned with spells for purifying
the workplace. Doesn't mind working on Christmas, especially if there's
overtime involved. Quit being overtly Pagan at work since being canned by
that born-again boss, but still refuses to say "Merry Christmas."Distinguishing Signs
Can assume a properly smiley work persona at the drop of a hat. Constantly
glances around the room anxiously looking for co-workers and their spies.
Non-distinctive style of dress, no conspicuous tattoos.22. Tree Hugging Nature Sprite
Most prized possession: one of Judi Barry's old tree spikes.
Simultaneously believes in universal love for humanity AND returning the
planet to a pristine, uncorrupted state. Apt to remove clothes and fondle
the shrubbery at a moment's notice. Can discuss compost in great detail.Distinguishing Signs
No meat, no fragrance, no leather, no plastic, no smoke, no drugs, no
eco-exploitive products, no animal tested cosmetics, no TV, no car, but very
tolerant.23. I Am Not Spock (at the moment)
Knows at least three films about Cthulhu and at least forty Star Trek
jokes. Has found a clever way to create simple furniture from stacks of
science fiction paperbacks. Can name ninety different kinds of space ships.Distinguishing Signs
Two fisted drinking style. Probably still lives with parents. Many cryptic
buttons, badges, patches and other insignia. Too smart for their own good.24. TechnoPagan
Often found discussing the best method of removing hot wax from keyboards.
Seems unaccustomed to sunlight. Have had coven-mates for years whom they
have never seen face to face, much less know which continent they live on.Distinguishing Signs
Casts circle with #5 torx driver. Chalice contains Jolt. BoS is writtin in
Perl. Refers to eclectic ritual as "cross- platforming." Thinks "naked in
your rites" means a non-GUI environment.