Cat Resolutions (author unknown)

 I will not run through the house with a condom wrapper in my mouth,
especially when my human's grandmother is over.

 My human will never let me eat her pet rat, and I
am at peace with that.

 I will not leap into my human's chair which she
has temporarily vacated, and then bite my human
on the tush when she sits back down.

 I will not puff my entire body to twice its size
for no reason after my human has finished watching
a horror movie.

 I will not sniff at my male human's feet after he
takes his shoes off, freeze my mouth open in disgust
and then sniff my private parts to compare
odors. My female human might find it amusing, but my
male human does not appreciate it, especially in front
of company.

 I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the
aquarium.

 I must not help myself to Q-tips, and I must
certainly not proceed to stuff them down the sink's drain.

 I will not bite my human on the rear while she is
sitting on the Big White Drinking Bowl.

 I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs,
then come home and barf them up so the humans
can see that I'm getting plenty of roughage.

 I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub,
fall in, and then pelt right for the box of clumping
cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get the stuff
out of my fur.)

 I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare
down the hall, and growl at NOTHING after my
human has finished watching The X-Files.

 When my human is taking a bubble bath, the two
pinkish-brown things sticking up out of the bubbles
in her chest region are NOT to be played with!

 I will not fish out my human's partial plate from
the glass so that the dog can "wear" it and pretend to
be my human. (It is somewhat unnerving to wake up,
roll over in bed, and see the dog grinning at you with
your own teeth.)

 I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for
late-night snacks.

 I will not drag dirty socks up from the basement
in the middle of the night, deposit them on the bed and
yell at the top of my lungs (Burmese LOUD yowling) so
that my human can admire my "kill."

 I will not knead my male human's groin at 2 a.m.
with claws extended. It  seems to cause him some
discomfort and he wakes up all grumpy.

 I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle
of the night and stare into her eyes until she wakes up.

 We will not play Herd of Thundering Wildebeests
Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti over
my humans' bed while they're trying to sleep.

 Screaming at the can of food will not make it open
itself.

 I am a (neutered) cat, not a peacock, and prancing
around with my tail fluffed up will not make my balls grow back.

  I cannot leap through closed windows to catch
birds outside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the
window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will
not get up and do the same thing again.

 I will not assume the patio door is open when I
race outside to chase leaves.

 I will not back up off the front porch and fall
into the bushes just as my human is explaining to his
girlfriend how graceful I am.

  I will not complain that my butt is wet and that
I am thirsty after sitting in my water bowl.

 I will not intrude on my human's candle-lit
bubblebath and singe my Butt.

 I will not stick my paw into any container to see
if there is something in it. If I do, I will not hiss
and scratch when my human has to shave me
to get the rubber cement out of my fur.

 If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.

  It is not a good idea to try to lap up the
powdered creamer before it dissolves in boiling coffee.

 Just because I hear voices in my head, I do not
have to answer them.

 When I am chasing my tail and catch my back leg
instead, I will not bite own on my foot. This hurts, and
my scream scares my human.

 When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of
the house. It is not necessary to check every door.

 Birds do not come from the bird feeder. I will not
knock it down and try to open it up to get the birds out.

 I will not stuff my rather large self into the
rather small bird feeder (with my tail hanging out one side)
and expect the birds to just fly in.

 I will not teach the parrot to meow in a loud and
raucous manner.

 The dog can see me coming when I stalk her. She
can see me and will move  out of the way when I pounce,
letting me smash into floors and walls. That  does not
mean I should take it as a personal insult when my humans sit
there and laugh.

 Yes, there are still two very large dogs in the
backyard. There have been for several years. I don't
have to act as if I've just discovered the  Demon
Horror of the Universe each time one of them appears
in my window.

 I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while
people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry,
or else one of these days, it will really come true.

 When the humans play darts, I will not leap into
the air and attempt to catch them.

 I will cease my obsession with the box my humans
keep their condoms in.  This box is not for me. I will not knock it on
the ground, I will not sit on it, I will not try to scratch it open.
Especially when my humans are using the condoms.

 I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when
she's on the family room floor trying to do sit ups.

 When my human is typing at the computer, her
forearms are *not* a hammock.

 Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight
my lovely tail.

 I am a walking static generator. My human doesn't
need my help installing a new board in her computer.

 I will not bring the city police to the front door
by stepping on the speaker phone button and then the
automatic 911 dial button.

 I will not speed dial the overseas numbers.

 I will not walk on the keyboard when my human is
writing important emio gnaioerp ga3qi4 taija3tgv aa35 a.

 Any critter that lives in the house (hamsters)
stay in the house and any wild critters (frogs and earthworms)
stay outside. I am not allowed to set the hamster free in
exchange for finding a frog to put in the fish tank.

 I will not stalk the deer in the apple orchard
next door. They have sharp  hooves and could hurt me if they weren't
laughing so hard.

 I will not watch the guinea pig constantly as the
guinea pig likes to sleep once in a while.

 The goldfish likes living in water and should be
allowed to remain in its bowl.

 I will not put a live vole in my food bowl and
expect it to stay there until I get hungry.

 I will not eat spider plants and hallucinate
behind the toilet.

 I will not drag the magnets (and the papers they
are holding up) off of the refrigerator and then bat them underneath it
so
that they adhere to the underside.

 I will learn to relax at the vet's office so they
will start writing things in my records like "Good Kitty" and "Sweet
Kitty" instead of the stuff that's there now like "MEAN!!", "BITER!!!",
and "GET HELP!!!!!"

 I promise I will meditate more closely upon the
causal relationship between going dumpster diving on Sunday afternoon
and projectile vomiting Monday, and being brought to the Evil Place Where
They Stick Things Up My Butt on  Tuesday evening. I realize that if I hadn't
done the first, none of the other things would have happened.

 I don't need to check my male human's aim in the
bathroom

 I will not bat at my male human's family jewels
while he is engaged in the act of mating with my female human, no matter
how   tempting the danglies are. My humans get mad and I might get free flying
lessons.

 I will not be miffed at my human all day and then
kiss her on the nose at 2:00 a.m. to tell her that she is forgiven and
can now pet me.

 I will not scratch the children of lawyers, no
matter how much they chase me or how hard they pull my tail.

 If I MUST claw my human, I will not do it in such
a fashion that the scars resemble a botched suicide attempt.

 If I must give a present to my humans's overnight
guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a live
cockroach, even if it isn't as tasty.

 I will not soak my catnip toy in the water bowl to
make tea. I will not get high and sit there drinking my tea and kneading
the floor afterwards. I will not then get delusions of grandeur and make
tea in the toilet bowl or the tub. And I will not try to make tea with used
socks, dirty panties or hair scrunchies when my humans take the catnip
toy   away from me.

 After my (female) human has enjoyed the company of
a larger, but equally gorgeous, hairy animal, I will not leap onto the
bed, smell where he's been, and then jealously pee there to eradicate his
traces.

 A warm pepperoni pizza is not a good place for a
nap.