YANKEE CHILI JUDGE
                                                        
Notes from a  inexperienced chili taster named Rick, who  was
visiting TEXAS :
Recently, I was honored to be selected as an outstanding
and famous celebrity in Texas; to be a judge at a chili
cook off,because no one else wanted to do it and the original
person called in sick at the last moment,and I happened to 
be standing there at the judges' table asking directions to
the beer wagon when the call came in.
I was assured by the other two judges(native Texians)
that the chili wouldn't be all that spicey, and besides they 
told me that I could have free beer during the tasting, so I 
accepted.
 Here are the scorecards from the event  
Chili #1: Sweet-Thang's  wild bull monster chili:
Judge # 1: A little too heavy on tomato........,
amusing kick.
Judge # 2: nice, smooth tomato flavor, very
mild.
Rick: Holy smokes, what the hell is this stuff?
You could remove dried paint from the drive-
way with it! Took me two beers to put the 
flames out. hope that's the worst one. These texians are crazy!
Chili #2: Elmer's after-burner chili:
Judge #1:  Smokey (bar-b-que?) with a hint of 
pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2:  Exciting bbq flavor,,, needs more
peppers to be taken seriously.
Rick:  Keep this out of the reach of children!
I'm not sure what i'm supposed to taste 
besides pain. I had to wave off two people 
who wanted to give me the heimlich 
manuever. Shoved my way to the front of 
beer line.
Chili # 3 :  Liberty's  famous Burn -Down-the-Barn
Chili :
Judge # 1 :  Excellent firehouse chili. Great 
kick,,, needs more beans.
Judge # 2 :  A bean-less chili. A bit salty, good 
use of red peppers.
Rick:  This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA,
I've located a uranium spill. My nose  feels
like i've been snorting Drano.Everyone
knows the routine by now and gets  out of 
my way so i can  make it to the beer wagon.
Barmaid pounded me on the back; Now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest.
Chili # 4 : Glenna's  Black Magic Chili:
Judge # 1 : A black bean chili with almost
no spice, Disappointingly mild.
Judge # 2 : Hint of lime in the black beans,
good side dish for fish or other mild foods;
not much of a chili.
Rick:  I felt something scraping across my tongue
 but was unable to taste it. Debbie, the barmaid, was 
me with free
beer refills.....,,,so I wouldn't have to dash over to
 see her.
Chili # 5:  Gloria's  Legal Lip Remover Chili:
Judge # 1:  Meaty, strong chili. freshly ground
cayenne peppers adding considerable kick. 
Very impressive.
Judge #2:  Chili  using shredded beef; must 
admit that the cayenne peppers make a
strong statement.
Rick:  my ears are ringing, and i can no longer focus
  my eyes. I tooted and four people behind  
me needed paramedics. Contestant seemed hurt
 when i told her that her chili had given
me brain damage.  Debbie  saved my tongue 
by pouring beer 
directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates
me that one of the other judges asked me to  
stop screaming!
Chili # 6:  Briley's  Volcanic vegetarian
 Variety:
Judge # 1:  Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety
chili. Good balence of japapeno and habanero
peppers and spices.
Judge #2:  The best yet. Agressive use of peppers,
onions and garlic. Superb!
Rick:  My intestines are now a straight pipe 
filled with gaseous flames. No one seems
inclined to stand behind me except Debbie.
 
Chili#7:  Melissa's Screaming Sensation Chili:
A mediocre chili with too much reliance on
canned peppers.
Judge #2:  Ho-hum, tastes as if the cook threw
in canned habanero peppers at the last minute.
(I should note that I'm worried about Judge#3.
He appears to be in a bit of distress.)
Rick:  You could put a grenade in my mouth and 
pull the pin and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds as if it's made of rushing water. My clothes are covered
with chili that slid unnoticed out of my mouth
at some point. Good! At my autopsy they'll
know what killed me. I've decided to stop 
breathing....,,, it's too painful, and I'm not get-
ting any oxygen now anyway.  If I need air, I'll
just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my
stomach.........
Chili #8:  Steve's  sabre-saw chili:
Judge # 1:  A perfect ending, this is a nice blend
chili, safe for all. Not too bold...,,, but spicy
enough to declare its existence.
Judge #2:  This final entry is a good, balenced
chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that
most of it was lost when Judge #3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
Rick:   ( editor's note:  Judge #3 was unable to report! )