The Great UFO Wave:
October, 1973

UFOs For Real?
Editorial By Art Buchwald

The Crescent-News, Defiance, Ohio
Thursday, October 25, 1973

WASHINGTON -- I happen to be one of those people who believes that the unidentified flying objects which have been reported seen whizzing around the United States are for real. But, like so many people, I have no idea what they want from the United States at this point in time.

I sought out some of the most learned men in this country to find out if they had any theories.

Prof. Heinrich Applebaum of the Watergate Observatory told me, "This is just speculation, of course, but I wouldn't be surprised if they're trying to make a wheat deal with the United States. They saw what a good contract the Russians made with us and they figure they could do the same thing."

"But why would they need wheat?" I asked.

"If you will look through this telescope you'll see that there is not too much growing out there. You have to assume that whoever they are, they have to import most of their wheat. They probably were buying their wheat from another planet until they got word that they could get our wheat much cheaper."

DR. FITZHUGH Feelinghouse of the Society for, the Preservation of High Sulphur Content in Fuel disagreed. "I am under the impression they want to buy oil from us. We have to assume that if they're from outer space and can make it all the way here, they are a highly industrialized society. Therefore, they must be short on fuel. I am almost certain they've come to discuss the feasibility of building a pipeline to their planet."

"But why the United States?" I asked. "We don't have oil to sell to anyone."

"They don't know that," Dr. Feelinghouse said. "All they've seen from their telescopes are our neon signs advertising Exxon, Gulf, Texaco and BP gasoline. They probably figure we have the stuff coming out of our ears."

"But if they're so sophisticated scientifically, why would they need oil in the first place? Aren't there other sources of power available to creatures from outer space?!'

"Probably. But if their oil companies are like ours, they've discouraged the use of other fuels. I imagine even in outer space you can't lick the oil companies."

Jeremy Saitherwaite, a political scientist at the Institute of Paranoia, is very skeptical about the UFOs coming from another galaxy. "I think Nixon is trying to get our minds off his domestic troubles by whipping up a flying saucer scare."

"BUT HOW COULD he swing it? Surely you can't launch a fly[ing] saucer from somewhere in the United States without someone knowing about it."

"Why do you think he sent those three astronauts up to Skylab for 59 days?"

"You mean they were sent up there to launch the flying saucers from space?"

"You better believe it," he said.

"Wait a minute. The two Mississippians who were captured described the creatures in the UFO as being green, with no eyes, and a stub in the middle of their faces which could have been a nose. How could they look like that? "

Saitherwaite replied, "Have you ever heard of Nixon's make-up man from the 1960 campaign?"

The final expert I spoke to was Prof. Charles Simolli, a sociologist, who said, "The most interesting thing is that most of the UFO sightings have been in the South."

"What are you driving at?" I asked.

"Has it ever occurred to you that all these poor creatures from outer space are trying to do is bus their kids to a good school?"