Everyone needs help through life. It's a complicated thing, so why not? However, most of us are not told the important snippets of wisdom gained from our ancestors. We visited a few old people's homes, mental asylums and preschools to discover most of these pieces of wisdom.
1.Your name is the one on your underpants, but don't make the mistake of declaring yourself Calvin Kliene.
2.Make absolutely sure which toothbrush you use to clean the toilet.
3.Money is best spent on you (or maybe a very demanding significant other).
4.You must learn the ways of the force.
5.Fire bad. Knife bad. Virulent biotoxin bad.
6.If you are ever unsure of which side of the road to drive on, try the middle or the pavement.
7.Money is a cop's best friend.
8.Before sex, check at least twice you aren't getting any "surprises".
9.Don't pull the ripcord inside the plane or when you're almost on the ground.
10.If you go back in time, don't touch anything! (thanks Grampa Simpson!)
11.If you get hurt by someone, sue. If you hurt someone, shower with gifts and love.
12.Remember: A practical joke has gone too far if it has gone nuclear.
13.Even though it might warm your eyes, staring at the sun is bad for you.
14.Parents like good children. That is, lie about what you're doing with your life.
15.28 and still living with your parents is a bad thing.
16.If you hear shots, duck under the cafeteria table.
17.Touch your thumbs together. Whichever hand makes an L shape is the left one.
18.Make sure you check before you cross the ten-lane highway.
19.As it has been proven, it is impossible to stage-dive in a wheelchair.
20.Remember, it's all fun and games until someone drops the virus.
21.A beer glass is neither half-empty nor half-full. It is 50% inefficient.
22.Once you take the pin out of Mr Grenade, he is no longer your friend.
23.DO UP YOUR FLY FOR GOD'S SAKE! (and make sure your "little friend" is inside when you do it)
24.Men: In the toilet, more than two shakes is considered mixing business with pleasure.
25.The English is right, but being cold isn't the same as being frigid.
26.Teenagers do know everything. Oldies just won't admit it.
27.Copying from one source is plagiarism. Copying from more is referencing.
28.In prison, always be the daddy.
29.Braking and giving way are just inconveniences.
30.Alternative religions are always good ways to make your bank accounts smaller and easier to manage.
31.You can run faster than wheelchairs. Steal from the disabled, and hope that they haven't got their harpoon.
32.Deep friers are exactly that. They are not called Deep Friers of Everything but Hands.
33.Wear sunglasses so you can ogle as much as you like. Don't combine with a suit or you may get stabbed by an X-Phile.
34.Cool is not an afro and a tight shirt.
35.When using chewing gum, put BEHIND your ear, not in it or in your nose.
36.Dares are good ways of either gaining or (most likely) destroying people's respect for you.
37.Strangely enough, Kurt Cobain isn't a good role model, unless you don't like wearing hats (whoosh! goes gag).
38.TGIF: Toes go in first. NOT They Give In Finally or Tigers Growl In Fear.
39.I before E except after C... Remember this peice of information!
40.Never ask the driving examiner if he has insurance, especially life insurance.
41.Remember that Jesus loves you. Even if he doesn't people pretending to be him do.
42.Don't go to college and do drugs! Wait... I think I got it mixed up...
43.The bestest peice of inphomashun are 2 get a gooder edukashun than the nekst guy.
44.Carpe diem: Seize the fish.
45.Don't try to kick down glass doors.
46.C-4 is the best bargaining tool.
47.Trying to hide an erection is like trying to hide a javelin in the butt, just stay sitting and pretend that everything is ok, but
no ok enough for you to move.
48.Breaking out of straightjackets is easy... Just gotta have a few cracks at it (ow... bad pun)
49."When a fire starts to burn, there's a lesson you must learn... something, something and you'll see, you'll avoid
catastrophe!"
50.Everyone is mad, except you. Don't let any psychiatrist tell you otherwise.
Now I have told you