| Judy: | Don’t sit too close to the fire, Daarghh. You’ll burn your face. |
| Daarghh: | Shut up, mom. I threw a frog in. I can hardly hear it blister. |
| Judy: | Daarghh, when are you going to learn some respect for our peaceful matriarchy? |
| Daarghh: | I got respect. |
| Judy: | Oh? Do you know what I found in your sacred medicine bundle this morning? THIS. |
| She holds out a carved rock figurine, France’s finest export 10,000 years ago, with enlarged hips and breasts. He looks frightened. |
| Daarghh: | Uh, I got it from Dad. |
| Judy: | Uh-huh. Someone thinks he’s a man without piercing his chest and suspending himself from a pole until his ribs break! Listen, young man... |
| Daarghh: | Mom! |
| Judy: | Ut! You march right into the dream cave and paint a handful of sorry pictures of yourself. And no howling - the wolves are close and I’m afraid we’ll have to domesticate soon. |
| Daarghh: | You stink of rancid bear grease, Mom. |
| Judy: | We all do, Daarghh. We all do. |
| The bell dings twice. Both performers return to their respective corners. The bearded lady again crosses the stage, "Y0K" written on one side of the card, "The Birth of Christ - Judea" on the other. When she reaches her corner, the bell dings twice and "Daarghh", now "Darius" and "Judy" re-enter in the same manner as before. |
| Judy: | Stop staring at that star, Darius. You’ll get religious. |
| Darius: | It’s the Christ-child, Mom. My stoicism can barely hold my excitement. Do we have any frankincense? |
| Judy: | Look who thinks he’s a wise man. Darius, my statue of Venus had arms last night. |
| Darius: | Vici. Vidi. Vini. |
| The bearded lady appears and holds up a sign with the above words and an asterisk written on it. She flips it over, whereupon it reads, "I conquered. I saw. I came." |
| Darius: | But Dad took the arms. |
| Judy: | We will have words, Darius. |
| Darius: | We always do. |
| The bell dings and the actors return to positions. This time the bearded lady crosses with a sign, "INTERMISSION: The Invention of Zero" on one side, "Mecca - 962 A.D." on the other. "Darius"-now-"Nader" enters with "Judy". |
| Nader: | Well, time to invent something. |
| Judy: | Invent? Invent? Why don’t you WORK for once? Then maybe you can afford to feed your harem once a month. |
| We hear a female chorus of assent from offstage. Nader pretends not to hear. |
| Nader: | Something that’ll throw a monkey wrench into that dumb Roman calendar, make everyone think their millennium’s a year early. Something... (He eyes Judy) plump, and round... and sweet like figs... |
| Judy: | Do you know what you are, Nader? A loser. Nada. A big... fat... zero. |
| Nader: | (long, sad pause) Bingo. |
| The bell dings, both actors exit, the bearded lady crosses with (at last!) a "Y2K" sign, which also reads "Home" on the same side. Significantly, she does not turn it over. "Judy" and formerly "Daarghh"-"Darius"-"Nader"-now-"Arden" return as before. |
| Judy: | Arden, I want to talk with you. And don’t sit too close to the iMac - you’ll singe your contacts. |
| Arden: | Shut it, Mom. I just downloaded this picture of this weird chick with a beard and a sign. |
| Judy: | You better learn some respect, young man, or so help me I will not pay your Visa bill. Do you know what this is? |
| She holds up a piece of paper covered in printing. Arden grunts and does not turn away from the computer. |
| Arden: | No. |
| Judy: | Yes, you do. It’s an itemized printout of your porn sites. Ten thousand! (Arden finally looks) I used a four point font. I don’t need to SEE them. |
| Arden: | (finally looking) Amputees? |
| Judy: | I want an apology, Arden. I want you to write, "I, mother, am sorry for being a good-for-nothing twentysomething gen-X-er mooching off a generation that bled to stop a war." Twenty thousand times. |
| Arden hits three keystrokes, slowly. |
| Arden: | Done. (He clicks the mouse.) I just sent you flowers. (He blinks significantly.) And erased your jail time. If you don’t fear me, you must love me. |
| Judy: | You’re my son, Arden. I already do. |
| The bell dings once. Both notice, but make no move to leave. |
| Arden: | The picture’s done. (Pause.) Have we done this before? |
| Judy: | Yes. But never this. |
| She hugs him. After a moment of panic, he puts his arms around her and hugs her tight. A comfortably long amout of time passes, whereupon they pull away and notice the bearded lady. |
| Judy: | You know, I’ve never really liked Hollywood’s "Father Time." |
| "Father Time" flips her sign over. It reads, "Y Touché." The bell dings twice. |
| THE END |
