The scenario: you and your buddies are living in the woods, waiting for Armageddon (the Second Coming, not the movie). You're sitting around bitching about big government and the price of salted pork when a blaring squeak announces the arrival of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms. Those flak-jacketed meddlers! Why, they're no better than a rabid pack of starved, irradiated humans, for which you've been prepared for years.

Or have you?

On closer inspection, it seems Billy Ray Simborg forgot the shotguns. You'll chastise him later; first you've got a fight to pick. You grab the next best thing.

Your chair.

Your buddies have a few objections, of course. They say chairs make bad weapons because:  

1) They've developed unsightly stains from having been left in the rain.

2) We just spent a lot of money to have them reupholstered.

3) They might fold and take off a finger or two.

4) Beer farts.

5) There's gum all over the bottom.

6) They've been bolted to the floor ever since we all got drunk and decided we were floating down the Mississippi.

7) Guns don't give you splinters.

8) When my wife and I got married, we were too poor to afford a bed. That's how my daughter was conceived, on this chair. It would be a shame to spoil such an act of love with an act of war.

9) It's teeter-y.

10) It'll take us hours to whittle the legs down to killing points, during which time we'll have nowhere to sit.

11) They might have La-Z-Boys to defend themselves with.

12) I'm just shocked. You mean the kids played all over these while we were out? How the hell was I supposed to know I should keep them upstairs in a locked drawer?

13) Chairs are sacred. They're wood and so was Christ's cross.

14) I don't have a permit for this chair.

15) I'll never be able to hold it properly. I have two less hands than this chair has legs.

16) I'll never forget the look on Billy Joe's face when he got his head stuck in the back.

17) They break. Haven't you ever seen a Western?

18) I haven't gotten all the change out of the cushions.

19) We're missing 99% of the rest of the tank.

20) Someone might get hurt.