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Pope Floats
written June, 1998
for Jason Chin's Comedy Show for Dummies
by Matt Larsen and Karol Joseph Wojtyla
| Spotlight up as anyone other than Jason Chin takes centerstage. |
| Human: | Good evening, ladies and gentlement, I’m Jason Chin, the director of tonight’s show. Every week, I get a lot of scripts. The rule is, if it doesn’t use Rosie O’Donnell, Microsoft or gratuitous references to pants, I chuck it. Then I got this, (holds up envelope) from the Vatican, a Mr. Karol Joseph Wojtyla (voh-tee-wah), A-K-A Pope John Paul II. Mr. the Second is a former playwright who speaks eight languages--I don’t think you’ll find an edgier humorist outside of George magazine. Even if you’re not Catholic, I think you’ll be glad I’ve added the primate of Italy to our staff of crack writers. So without further ado, we present this next scene, which takes place in a gondola in Venice.
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| Spotlight down. Lights up on two women (Magdalena and Fiona) on chairs set to resemble the bottom of a gondola. A gondolier, a man with a pole, stands behind them, “poling” them along. |
| Magdalena: | Fiona, I am upset. |
| Fiona: | Why, Magdalena? |
| Magdalena: | After two millennia we are still second class citizens in the church. |
| Fiona: | But, Magdalena, you forget. We are all stained with Original sin for having partaken of the fruit of knowledge. Just as you partake of this delicious pie. (she hits her in the face with a pie) |
| Magdalena: | Oh, I see. So we must Baptise ourselves to cleanse away the sin, just as I cleanse you with this seltzer water. (She sprays Fiona with water--may be from a water bottle.) |
| Fiona: | Indeed. Because there are two courses of action available to us, (she holds up her index and middle fingers) Christ’s love may be accepted or rejected. (She tries to poke Magdalena’s eyes out.) |
| Magdalena: | (Blocking Fiona) We need not choose blindly. (She picks up a Bible encouraging Fiona to look into it.) His Holy Bible leads us from the temptation that would trap us. |
| She snaps the book shut as Fiona leans in. Fiona leaps backward at the last moment. |
| Fiona: | Ah, humility. Flesh always pulls us back to the Earth. (She grabs Magdalena’s hair and cruelly yanks her head back.) |
| Magdalena: | The call to Heaven is strong. (She pulls Fiona in, headbutting her. They scuffle, pitching each other out of the boat.) Now we are lost like the tribes of Israel. |
| Fiona: | Yes, now I see why we will never serve as priests. Our weak species is too prone to temptations. |
| Magdalena: | Oh, silent gondolier, please help us back into the boat. |
| Gondolier: | (after a long pause, quoting “Guys and Dolls”) And the Devil will drag you under by the sharp lapels of your checkered coat. Sit down, sit down, sit down, sit down. Sit down, you’re rocking the boat. |
| All: | (Leaning in from eaves) Sit down, sit down, sit down, sit down. Sit down, you’re rocking the boat. |
| THE END |
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