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Team Leader:
Matt Larsen

Editor:
Matt Larsen

Key Grip:
Matt Larsen

Best Boy:
Matt Larsen

In early 1999, I used my executive power to call a board meeting for the chief trustees and financial officers of thINKtank Graphics. Earlier in the year, rumors had spread across the Dow Jones of thINKtank's impending merger with graphics megastars Kinko's, resulting in an unstoppable blending of talent, photocopiers and blue shirts with nametags. On the Internet, employees circulated lists of new and amusing possible merger names: thINKo's, Kinktank, Mailboxes etc... all of them hushed as quickly as possible, leading to new conspiracy theories involving racist super-insects from Uranus. Dispelling these rumors proved troublesome. Radio and television spots gave middleschoolers the giggles; print ads in the New York Times and Wall Street Journal had many wondering exactly what was the temperature on Uranus. Wishing the conspiracy theorists had chosen any other planet in our solar system, on February 15th, 1999 - Valentine's Day - I pulled the plug.

Needless to say, this left us in a precarious position. With a monthly deficit of almost four million dollars, an alarming middle manager suicide rate and three lawsuits pending from the American Astronomers' League, we would need substantial financial backing to keep from having to close these brass-plated doors forever.

Along came Henri Zorfnar.

Eccentric hermit, balloonist, Francophile... all of these words have been used to describe Henri Zorfnar, born Joachin Rostiglioni in downtown Mechanicsburg, Ohio, 1949. But the word that best describes Zorfnar is "rich". Leaving Ohio at the age of fifteen, Zorfnar travelled the world hidden in the knapsack of a much larger man. From his nest of nylon, mosquito netting and tube socks, he catalogued the chief imports, exports, strengths, weaknesses and religious demographics of each person they met. No more than five years after his discovery in Surinam, Zorfnar was selling biodegradeable crucifixes at $5.97 each to more than 425,000 people worldwide.

Monsieur Zorfnar quickly expanded his catalogue, adding such luxury items as the leaded hanglider, cherry-flavored contact lenses and inflatable zippers. After a tussel with the American Postal Service over rising postage rates, he spearheaded the internet revolution by distributing his unusual catalogue via UCLA's Vax system in 1991. Frustrated with his initial failures, Monsieur Zorfnar declared the then-nascent internet, "a hoax", "a phenakistiscope" and "a god-damned Schulmerich Magnabell" and re-invested his fortune in Planet Hollywood. His assets tripled in the ensuing six years.

In the spring of 1999, after the IRS impounded my house, car and Huffy, I found myself with a lot of time to spend at the office. Finishing a fifth of scotch one morning, I decided to have a look-see at some discarded disks left by Kinko's executives after their last visit, February 17th, 1999 (a lot of awkward moments, as I recall; they kept asking, "Are you okay? Do you need anything? Tell me about the rings on Uranus."). I still remember the filename, zrf1_23o.txt, and the pictures, lovingly rendered in ASCI.

I did not stir for six hours.

As the drunk passed and the hangover started, I was suddenly a man with a mission: sell thINKtank out. Only ads would save us. Not just run-of-the-mill banners like booksellers, MP3's or porn. No. thINKtank Graphics, the bleeding edge of online graphics companies would need businesses' most experienced, unusual, cutthroat capitalist cataloguist in the country.

Henri Zorfnar. Is "God" too weak a term?

The phone number at the bottom of the page still worked - one of many delightful and mysterious surprises that day. Zorfnar himself answered, "Who the merde?", his French rusty from six years of ballooning with Hollywood's elite. I quickly outlined my troubles... and my plan to bring his catalogue into the new millennium.

Trusted reader, I hope you will take a moment to browse this collection of Americana, lovingly crafted from the finest materials and hand-delivered to your house by uniformed messenger (uniforms will vary by service) and, perhaps, indulge yourself a purchase. If on the other hand you are of the gen-ex set, please check this out so you can e-mail all your grrl-friends about the irony of middle-class worthless crap. You'll probably wanna buy some stuff just to show how superior you are to it. Yeah.

Either way, spread the word to your friends, co-workers and spouses of the most powerful alliance since the Earth met the moon: the Zorfnar-thINKtank catalogue. You'll thank yourself for reading it, and I'll thank you too... for putting another golden cobblestone in the yellow brick road I call my American Dream.

Peace, love and puddin'...

Matt