ACTIVITIES

Clothing-optional beaches on the North and South crater lakes are open year-round to take advantage of the near-ideal climate of the Island of Deth and are sectioned according to body mass index, age and stretch marks. Guards at each checkpoint help sun workshippers find the ideal spot amongst their own "people".

Outdoor enthusiasts can watch native rock divers perform stunning high dives from Remorseless Eyebrow summit, order specialty drinks from Cracked Septum Poolside Bar and Grill or take a bicycle tour of the Wretched Mandibular Mountains. Tivas are available for rental and come with a hemp backpack, wool socks and an ecotourism pamphlet printed on recycled paper.

Our latest combination sport - paddle sportfishing - is available on a limited first-come-first-serve trial basis. Hire one of our sturdy sea kayaks and pit your will and paddle against great white sharks swarming in a bay filled with slaughterhouse runoff. Featured on MTV's "Extreme SportZ" and the Fox Sunday Night Special "Whither, Father?"

Unfortunately, a recent snake infestation has forced us to close off certain areas of the island - those marked with the words "VERBOTEN! ACHTUNG!" along with a cartoonish skull and crossbones mean access to some of the most fun parts (the Big Ball Factory, Ms. Hempsted's Genuine French-Style Massage Parlour and the Jump-o-line) is certain death. Please do not think we are kidding, even for a minute. Any killed or maimed attempting to gain access to these areas will receive a coupon for half off the Jump-o-line 2, coming next year.