do you have pez fantasies? now, don’t get carried away and start telling me stuff we don’t know want to know about each other. i mean, really—no need to get friendly, now. i’m just curious if anyone reading all this has pez fantasies. that is, if you know what pez is.

it’s rather cheezy and ridiculous—but so’s life in certain respects so what does all that mean for us, anyway, eh? regardless of this, i’m going to explain what pez is for all those unfortunate (?) who don’t know. the rest of you can whatever you want because i believe it’s necessary to explain this fully. y’know...for effect. it makes the whole thing more....well, i know it won’t help make all this make sense, but i figured there was too much stuck in my brain at the moment so explaining the essence of pez would be a good idea.

pez is candy. well, actually, it’s more than candy. not that i’m endorsing the stuff—if anything, maybe it’s a good thing you don’t know what pez is. i mean, really it’s kind of spooky to think of it. that is, if you know what pez is. hmm....the concept of a little candy blown so out of proportion one wonders what’s in it. well, sure! i mean, sugar’s bad enough and concentrated sugar...oh, geeze, talk about getting high off the stuff.

then, there’s the preperation. y’know, before you eat the candy. it’s a big project in itself and all rather strange, i’m sure, to those who have no idea what i’m talking about. the rest of you...come on, now, you know what i mean, right? first you have to open the refill package, then you have to pull up the dispenser cartridge—holding it open so the thing doesn’t snap shut and fly across the room—and drop each candy inside the right way or the thing won’t close correctly and that stupid head will be sticking up at an odd angle. oh, yes! the head...i suppose i ought to explain that one....

....y’know...for all of you who don’t know what i’m talking about.

at the top of the dispenser, there sits a head of a cartoon character—no body, just a head on a rectangular box. if you think about it, though....seems kind of twisted. you have to flip back the head in order to get at the candy. first of all, it’s sort of cruel to think of your favourite cartoon character beheaded and placed on a stick, then yanking candies from its almost-a-neck. eeewww, that was a picture. you really do have to tug at the candy, too—it’s gets so neatly packed into the dispenser, only breaking the head off would you have an easier time retrieving the candy...but then you’d have a broken, useless dispenser when a working, useless dispenser is desired. naturally.

of course, it would be kind of neat to have a figure of someone’s head you didn’t like....y’know, authority figures like your boss or your parents or maybe that professor who didn’t give you a grade you deserved....take your pick. then flipping back their head and yanking out that candy....that’d be neat.

but those are vengeful pez fantasies. stuff that’s not healthy to dwell on for too long of a time. better to dwell on good pez fantasies. things that make you laugh or smile....then again, to see one of my former professors on a pez dispenser would certainly make me laugh....

(actually, i had one prof who reminded me of a pez dispenser...big head, little body and i would have loved to snap his head back—oops, wrong tangent)

never mind.

believe it or not, it’s a happy candy. i’ve grown quite fond of the stuff and all my friends know just how manic i’ve become because of it. the only thing i say to that is, blame STONE for it. it’s his fault! go e-mail and bug him to death about it! i wouldn’t have gotten any pez had it not been for him! it’s his fault! it’s his fault! i swear, it’s all his fault! (i’m great at placing blame)

{ personal note to jeff: don’t think that i’m not grateful, sweety. i am. i totally am—of all the lame things you’ve done...this is a stroke of brilliance! i’m sorry, dear, but you have to admit—you’re stranger than i am...and that’s pretty strange! (thanks for the pretty candle!) }

so....think about it. think about something completely ridiculous and cheezy and cutesy—but it’s something you like in a goofy sort of way. think about situations or people and fun. be silly and off-the-wall and imaginative and a little mystery added doesn’t hurt. that’s a pez fantasy. oh, yes—and don’t forget the candy. eat your favourite candy. no need to limit yourself to pez. besides, it’s an american thing and who wants to be associated with america, eh? (had to say that for all my canadian friends....!)