Life. Love. Loneliness.
By:
Sailor Seraphim

"Why?" I asked bluntly. No funny remarks. No jokes. I stripped off the mask that I normally wore. It was me versus her. I didn't even bother to hide the bitterness in my voice under the cheer of sunny bubbliness. It was just a weary question. Just...

"Why?"

But she just looked up at me from her book, unmoved. Her placid stare infuriated me. I knew that I would lose my temper today, and no one else was around. I had made very sure that we would be alone for this confrontation.
I wanted answers damn it! I would get them one way or another.

"Why what?" she replied dryly.

I scowled at her as she calmly closed her book and set it aside. So she wanted to play games. I could play games as well, I just had to get in the mood. Hey, who tricked the Senshi into believing that *I* was the Moon Princess? But... I didn't want to play games today.

"Cut the crap and the mysterious mumbo-jumbo. For once I'm going to get a straight answer from you. You already know what I'm asking, so answer me!" Goddess... was that really my voice commanding her?

She sighed and leaned back in her chair, flipping her long hair over her shoulder. She motioned to the seat across from her, but I shook my head. I had to stand for this discussion. I *had* to stay in control.

She shrugged and folded her fingers together. "I was wondering when you would confront me. I half expected you to snap at me when we first met. I didn't think that you had the patience to wait this long."

I snorted at her remark. "There's a lot you don't know about me, and even more that you've forgotten. And yes, I would have asked you earlier but it wasn't the right... time," She raised an eyebrow at this; she always hated corny puns and I exploited this fact. "Or the right place."

"And now it is?"

"Yes. Now stop evading the question. Why?"

She frowned in my direction so I decided to tick her off some more. I wandered around the room and began to touch some of the delicate, *expensive*, knick-knacks. I knew that it would annoy her to no end. She could never stand it when people touched her things. But, she didn't like to give up answers either.

A certain crystal pendulum clock on the mantle caught my eye and I made my way over to it. It couldn't possibly... no, she wouldn't have kept *that* for all these years. I picked it up and began to tinker with it.

She finally snapped and pulled it from my hands.

"Fine! I'll answer your questions. Just sit down and don't touch anything!"

Masaka... so it was the same one. I smiled to myself and plopped down on the comfy chair. She replaced the clock to its accustomed place and dug her fingers into the mantle. I was surprised to see that her knuckles had gone white.

"Umm... are you okay?" I couldn't help myself. She actually looked... vulnerable.

But that image quickly faded from my mind as she spun around, fire in her eyes, strode across to her chair and sat down. "Of course I'm ‘okay.' I have to be don't I?"

I got the slightest inkling of how hard this was for her. "Jeez... you really don't want to tell me, do you?"

She averted her eyes. There was that vulnerability again. "I don't like to give up too much information." She faced me, eyes slitted. "And the memories hurt... you of all people should know that."

I winced from the verbal slap and tears stung in my eyes. I drew a deep breath. It had come to this. The dredging up of old memories, long forgotten. Well, if she wanted to be nasty about it, then I could too.

"Why?" I demanded again, ignoring my pain and hers as well. Kami-sama, give me the strength to do this! "Why did you leave us to die on the Moon?"

"You--you wouldn't understand. You don't know where I was... the position I was in...!"

I stared at her, narrowing my eyes. Oh, I was really angry now. It was holier-than-thou time. I jerked out of my seat and stood over her chair. No more Ms. Nice Girl. I left myself behind and became the person that I used to be.

"The position *you* were in? Where *you* were? That's funny, because I remember where I was! *I* was in the Communications Room when I found out my planet... my people had been destroyed. *I* was in the Warrior's Hall when the Palace was blasted and the ceiling collapsed. *I* was in the Gardens killing youma to protect what little was left. *I* was on the steps of the Palace when I saw our Princess commit seppukku with the sword that cut down the Prince. *I* was the one who pulled it out of her and slew the red-haired bitch that caused it all. *I* was in front of the Palace when my lover kissed me and then ran his sword through my heart! *I* know where *I* was... the question is, WHERE THE HELL WERE *YOU*?!?"

She turned her stony gaze at me. It was a look that chilled me to the bone. "You wouldn't understand," she replied again.

"What is there to understand? We needed you and you weren't there! You left us to die! MAKE me understand!"

"I can't believe that the same blood flows through our veins!"

She was really angry now. My eyes widened in surprise. I had actually pushed her to this! I grinned mischievously. "Plutonian men *do* know how to hide their age, don't they?" She smiled a little. I forged on. "But stop avoiding the question. I want an answer, onee-san."

She sighed and looked at me through weary eyes. "You really shouldn't call me that. We were never really sisters in its truest sense, either in the past of life or in this one. We are just two people who happened to have the same father." She shifted her gaze to the clock on the mantle. "Sometimes, sometimes I wish that we could have been true sisters, but that is impossible. You never did understand the kind of duty I had to take. Once I became Senshi, I had close myself from the real world and guard the Gate of Time. I had to let time take its natural course. I swore to not interfere no matter what the circumstances. Besides, I thought that perhaps... perhaps if I did not see your body there on the steps, you would still be alive. A foolish hope, but a hope nonetheless. Now do you see why I did not come?"

Tears welled in my eyes and knelt beside my sometime sister. I took her hand in mine. "Gomen nasai... I didn't know."

"No, you didn't... but I decided to tell you anyway." She looked at me with those sad eyes of hers. "Were--were you terribly disappointed that I did not come?"

It was my turn to look away. I looked at the crystal clock as well and smiled. "You know... when I gave you that clock, so long ago... I thought it was funny? You were my cooler, *older* sister. When you left I was devastated. But then I became Senshi as well. I was Captain of the Guard and understood what duty and loyalty meant. I understood your position, but that doesn't mean I accepted it. You were the sister that abandoned me. When you didn't show up... that day..." I closed my eyes, fighting the pain of the memories.

Then she squeezed my hand. A vow. We both suffered from the same pain. The pain of Life and the pain of Loneliness. The pain of a Love that was never fulfilled. Her simple gesture strengthened me. She had opened her wounds for me, and I had to open mine for her.

"When you didn't show up... I... as I lay there on the steps, bleeding to death... I really did hope that you would come. I wished that you would come and tell me everything would be okay, like you used to when I was little. But you didn't." I finally looked her in the eyes and was shocked to see tears falling from their deep magenta depths.

"You must hate me."

I shook my head and hugged her tightly. The shattered woman clung to me, crying. "No... I may have hated you once, but I don't anymore. I understand."

She raised her head and pushed the bangs out of my eyes in a sisterly gesture. It made me feel special. "You are very stubborn, imouto."

"I get it from you, onee-san."

We sat together in amicable silence for the rest of the afternoon. When tomorrow comes, we will become Inner and Outer Senshi again, no longer sisters though my soul ached for it. As the sun began to set on this day I turned to her. She closed her book and looked at me quizzically.

"Did you know..." I began. "Did you know that when you die, your life doesn't flash before your eyes?"