Thunder On The Right
by:
Sailor Seraphim

I want to cry. But I won't.

Crying is for the weak, for those who have nothing left to fight for. And I have always been a fighter. From the moment I found out that my parents were killed in that horrendous plane crash... from the moment that I became alone in the world, with no one but myself, I became a fighter. I had to. I couldn't let the world see my weakness. I couldn't let everyone know that here was a thirteen-year-old girl with no family... no friends... nothing... absolutely nothing to keep me going. I had to fight so that my heart and soul would not be destroyed again.

Ah... but I remember it well. The moment he stepped into my life. He made me feel so needed, so cared for. He was the one who broke through the wall I had built around my heart. I was happy to talk and cook and clean for him. Yes, yes! I can be perfect so that you will not leave me. I let him become my life. I let him control my destiny because I did not want to be alone. I loved him... in my own way of course. He was the first person to make the hurting stop. I gave him everything that I had. He wasn't afraid of me like the other students were. He didn't gawk at my height like everyone else. He filled me with light... with happiness... and I hadn't been happy in such a long time...

It was like a drug, this happiness. I wanted it more and more. I didn't want him to leave. I did everything I could to make sure he stayed with me.

But perhaps I did too much. He has left me and now I have nothing.

I want to cry.

Kami-sama, why does this happen to me? What did I do to deserve such a punishment? Even now you mock me, making it storm and rain on the day my heart was rendered lifeless once again. I feel as if I am caught in some cheesy movie. The one where a boy breaks up with a girl, and it is raining so that her tears won't show. But it really is rain on my face, because I will not cry. I will not. I cannot.

I am too much a fool. I thought I was strong, strong enough to keep myself going. Strong enough to keep myself from being hurt again. Oh, but one cute boy shows up and bye-bye wall! Goodbye, faith! Ja ne, strength! I was so weak... I fell over myself to keep him with me, and in the end he used me. I am getting drenched, standing out here in the pouring rain, but I don't notice. I am too angry. Why couldn't I have seen this? Like the lightning that sparks in the distance? Why couldn't I see that he was playing games with me? Why couldn't I see that he was using me? He made me weak! He made me forget about my pain, my suffering. He made me forget about my strength and my resolve. He made me forget these things, and that is unforgivable!

I wish that I could kill him. Strike him down with a bolt of lightning from my hands. Destroy him for breaking my heart and tearing my soul. I want to rage at him for being so cold, so callous. I want to cripple him the way he has crippled me. It would be the perfect revenge to strangle him with my bare hands, the way he strangled my feelings in his. But I could not even get him to stay. I'm such a fool. I feel so much anger in me, it mixes with the pain and the grief.

I hear a call from my heart that tells me that I will soon be happy, but I don't think I can believe my heart anymore. It has already lied to me once. The thunder crashes and the rain pours down even harder, but I don't feel the wet. I think I like this storm. It is free and unfettered. It strikes without mercy, bringing life-giving rain to the land but scorching the earth with lightning as well. I want to be like that. I must build up my walls again. This time! This time I will make sure not to surrender myself until I know that it is my destiny.

I wish I could kiss him one last time.

No... no... no, that is not what I want. I wanted that once, but not anymore. I cannot forgive him for taking away my heart.

My soul.

My love.

My innocence.

I want to cry for what I have lost.

But I won't.