Lonely Nights
By Ricci


"AAAAAHHHHHHH!" I awoke with a start from another one of those
 damn nightmares. Why wouldn't they just leave me alone? I started 
to shiver, as sweat began to dry on my skin, and I quickly got up to 
close the window. Again I felt this familiar feeling of wild freedom as 
I looked down at sleeping Tokyo. So many glittering lights... it looked 
beautiful, but it also reminded me of the darkness I was living in. 
Though depression has got me in its fangs quite often, I know that I 
COULD live another life. I could go out to parties, even nice ones, 
with Motoki perhaps. Just to meet some people, talk a bit, see a pretty 
girl who seems to like me. But I chose another life. Often enough I 
hate the loneliness, but there are also times when I wouldn't trade it 
for anything. Like when I sit curled up in my reading chair, with only 
a candle lit, my place is all warm, while Tokyo and its lights are 
drowning in rain out there. Then again... I don't know what it is like to 
have a partner. And I don't talk about a girl necessarily. Just 
someone to share the silence with. I know that this is the crucial point. 
Most people I know are uncomfortable with the silence. After ten 
minutes they start to sweat, then their faces get red, and then they 
let out a waterfall of words, that shatter the beautiful silence. I hate it 
when that happens, but I avoid situations like this. I enjoy the silence 
on my own. It would just be... comforting to know, that someone is 
there to lift me, when the silence starts pressing on my shoulders 
with so much weight that it eclipses the rest of the world, leaving me 
in my misery. 
I go to the fridge and get some mineral water. A tea would have been 
better, as I already AM cold, but I don't have the patience to make tea 
right now. After those nightmares I always feel a little bit restless. This 
is one of the times when it would certainly be good to have someone 
to talk to. Even though I'm afraid I wouldn't say much. Like I said before
- someone to reassure me with mere presence. I lift myself to sit on 
the small working space beside my kitchen sink. It felt cold under my 
bare flesh, as I just wear shorts. Maybe I should take a shower. Rinse 
all this sweat and the bad memories off. No. Too much work. I'm still tired. 
It had been a hard day. A prof in my course mumbled something in a 
language not spoken on THIS planet. Had to pay for a borrowed book I 
forgot to return to the library. After that I had not enough money left to 
get anything to eat except for chewing gum. And just when I was ready 
to turn my back to this day, another flashing feeling that send me to 
help Sailor Moon with some Dark Kingdom creep. Sometimes I wonder 
how fate could chose HER to be Sailor Moon. She seems always so 
absent-minded. No, she definitely IS. But then again there is something 
special about her. I can't say what it is, but it draws me to her. She is 
so strong, and yet she needs me. Of course, I know, I'm always 
complaining about how clumsy she is. What would I do if she was really 
strong? If she could defeat all those monsters easily on her own? She 
wouldn't need my strength. She wouldn't need Tuxedo Mask at all. This 
is the first time in my life that someone really depends on me, that 
someone cares about me. When she looks at me with hearts in her 
eyes, I can't help to smile. I would go to hell and back for her, just to 
see her happy and content again. She is so special....
But that doesn't help me to understand my nightmares. She's always 
there, this beautiful girl... two long streams of golden hair flow down her 
back, and she wears an elegant but simple dress. Much like a princess 
in a child's fantasy. She seems very afraid, there's fear in her eyes, 
well-hidden fear, but I see it nonetheless. A sense of duty lies over her 
lovely yet somehow undefined features, it makes me shiver. I look up to 
her. I understand that she is in serious trouble, and then I realize that I 
see her death in her beautiful eyes. And I realize that she knows she will 
die. NOOO! My mind screams. She mustn't die! I have to save her! But I 
don't even know who she is! "Please, find the ginzuishou!" she says, her 
voice urgent and pleading, but still showing royal strength. The ginzuishou... 
I know it, deep inside a part of me knows exactly what to do. I try to push 
this knowledge to the surface of my thoughts, I reach for it. It's useless. 
It stays just out of my grasp, teasing me. Then it happens. Smoke is in 
the air, the wind smells like destruction. Evil hides around the next corner. 
And I see her lying there. Her blue eyes stare into nothingness, crystal 
clear but lifeless. Her hair is spread out beneath her like a fan, gold 
melting into the torn black earth. I failed. I didn't save her. I see the blood 
that stains her white dress. Too late. I'm too late. Despair shreds my heart 
into tiny pieces, and that's when I wake up screaming, her voice still 
echoing in my mind. "Please, find the ginzuishou" God knows, how much I 
want to help her. If I just knew how, and where this ginzuishou is. I sense 
somehow that Sailor Moon is an improtant link to the ginzuishou. In some 
way she is connected to it. But how can such a powerful weapon be in the 
hands of.. of someone like her? I doubt it. She can't have it. Perhaps she 
knows where to find it?
Stop thinking about it, Mamoru, or you'll get insane. Concentrate on the 
life of Chiba Mamoru and not on the pseudo-life of this pathetic knight 
Tuxedo Mask. Well, not that Mamoru's life is very attractive. At the moment 
it consists of mainly two things: studying and getting a chance to tease this 
cute little girl, Usagi. I smile. She's really cute. I just love it to make her angry. 
Where Usagi is, chaos and destruction are not far away. I like her, I really do.
Though she probably wouldn't believe me if I told her, but that doesn't matter. 
Can you imagine that she hit me with a shoe? I just got used to look out for 
flying testpapers, but shoes? Normally I'd say this is just to get my attention, 
but I know that Usagi HATES me for making fun of her, so I guess it's just 
her nature to send everything flying. In a way she's like a little sister to me. 
She's someone that makes me laugh heartily. And fate always lets her 
cross my path. At least she doesn't throw her school bag at me. Yes, I 
admit, twenty-year-old Mamoru also had some nasty thoughts of her, but 
only for a moment. Hey, I'm a man! She reminds me of my mysterious 
princess. I'd say they both wear the same hairstyle. As does Sailor Moon. 
Hell, I'm surrounded by golden odangos! If Usagi wasn't Usagi, I'd think 
she IS Sailor Moon, but she's way too clumsy for that. Okay, Sailor Moon, 
too, isn't the personificated grace, but Usagi is the DEFINITION of clutziness.
Anyway, she's the first girl that ever got my constant attention. Which is really 
funny, as she's only fourteen years old, and the world would most probably 
KILL me if they knew what - ahem - thoughts I have about a little girl like her. 
But what does someone's age really say? Only that I know how to spell 
independence, nothing more. I may have seen some more sunrises, but no 
one can tell the emotinal age of a person from their real age. I think where 
relationships are concerned I'm around the age of six, maybe seven years. 
There Usagi is far more experienced than I am. Just look at that really big 
smile, which seems to reach from one ear to the other!! I've seen boys of her 
school drooling over it. Even Motoki isn't immune to her happiness. Otherwise 
I'm sure he wouldn't be interested in her. And I wouldn't be, too. Because - 
what should I talk to her about? The pros and cons of genetic changes in a 
prenatal state? She'd probably think that was something to eat... No way I can 
imagine to have a serious discussion with Usagi about, say, worldly things. 
But then again, there's no need. I can talk to other students my age, or read a 
book about it. In the end, all those serious discussions don't make you happy, 
not the way her smile does. What good is it to know what the human immune 
system consists of if you lack the ability to make friends? All that is left are 
me and my oh so wise books. But life is something you can't learn from books. 
As is self-confidence. Usagi just knows it all by heart. She may be a clutz, she 
may seem stupid, but she knows how to make friends, how to LIVE. She's far 
more experienced in that than I, though I'm the one who lives on his own and 
cares for himself. Usagi always gives, without asking to get something back, 
and maybe people take this as a weakness and hurt her. She is depressed for 
a while, which you can easily hear from her deafening wail, then she regains 
her composure and just goes on, without looking back to the hurt. Forgetting 
it. Not letting it spoil her life. 
I DO think a lot about her. I've been observing her from a distance for quite a 
time now. Mamoru, the jerk. I guess I have this stupid hope that I can learn 
from her. Sometimes, though, it just saves my day to watch her trip over her 
own feet or to get mad over my constant calling her "Odango Atama". Oh, 
how I love it to make her mad!! It's not very complimenting that I know no other 
way to get closer to her, but right now I'm content with the way it is. 
My, my, Mamoru the student is watching a teen. Sometimes I think I'm going 
crazy. Not that anyone would notice. 
There's a silver glow over the city. Morning is coming nearer. Soon the streets 
will be crowded by cars. People will go to work, go shopping, talk with their 
friends. The city will be humming from all those words, laughter, tears... I feel 
like an intruder when I watch the city awake from its slumber. Like I don't belong 
to those people down there in the streets. I feel home when the night comes, 
when everything slows down, the light fades and just blackness and silver moonlight 
remain. Everything is clearly outlined then.

What a day!! I passed two of my tests, which is really great, 'cause I wouldn't 
bear to study that stuff once more. Now I have some free time, finally I can do 
all the things I wanted to do in the last two weeks. Like what? I wish I had a 
real hobby. Like painting or making music. I like acting, and I'm sure I'd be a 
good actor. I mean, I already AM a good actor, keeping everything that bothers 
me inside. I have to stop thinking about this again. Normally I don't drown in 
self-compassion. I suppose it's just because of this stupid nightmare that keeps 
haunting me. Sometimes I am even afraid to go to sleep. No, I have to find a 
way to keep myself busy. 
Oh, I know this hair-style that is coming my way. She's fuming over something, 
at least from what I can see. Well, Mamoru, prepare for chaos and disaster 
(and probably a shoe flying your way).

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

"She's so mean! I bet she WAITS for me to doze off!!" I couldn't surpress this. 
Haruna-san is REALLY mean! It's so embarassing to stand outside. Oh no, 
please! It's him. Why does he have to come my way right NOW? I bet he, too, 
is looking for a chance to embarass me everytime he sees me.
"Hey there, Odango Atama! Too much thinking at school, or why are you 
fuming that way?" Here we go again.
"Don't you dare to call me Odango Atama! This is a very original hair-style!" 
Yeah, maybe I should keep my hair down, perhaps he doesn't spot me so 
easily then. He's just grinning, as usual.
"At least you didn't throw anything at me this time! Yes, this is definitely an 
improvement. See you, Odango Atama!" There - he said it again! Someday 
I'll KILL him for calling me that, I swear. But right now I have to run. I'm late 
for our learning session! 
I'm a quite good jogger. I mean, I "practice" a lot, every morning on my way 
to school, and every afternoon on the way to Rei's. Maybe this is why all 
those cakes and cookies don't show. Wew, I'm really glad over this fact! I 
don't think I could pass by a sweetie shop, even if I would get fat. But being 
Sailor Moon is tough, and all those jogs to school and back... I guess it's 
enough to keep me slim. I bet the others are making fun of me right now. 
Rei is near an explosion most probably, while Ami just memorizes another 
twenty English words. Ha! I don't care. They are my friends, and they are 
really special. It's not that we are Sailor Senshi. It's something else, but 
stupid me can't figure it out exactly. 
Rei is like an older sister. I know she cares a lot about me, and she knows 
that I know. But we could never admit it. Why? Though I always get mad 
when she teases me AGAIN, I like it a lot, and I surely would miss her 
temper. She always reminds me of a volcano, ready to explode any time. 
But it is her who teaches me that it is important to listen to your feelings. 
It may seem otherwise, but it is Rei's constant teasing that makes me 
nearly invulnerable to insults. Of course I cry and say "Stop being so mean!". But 
that's my part of our little play. 
If it wasn't for Ami I would still attend Primary School for sure. She keeps 
me on the right course, adjusting my direction ever so gently. And I know 
that it doesn't truely matter to her what bad grades I always get. She 
doesn't criticize me half as often as Rei, though she's the one who would 
have good reasons for that. Sometimes you have to remember Ami that 
there's a thing called fun and pleasure. She constantly forgets it! Could 
never happen to me. 
AH!! I forgot, I'm late! Perhaps I'm not so intelligent because I actually 
don't HAVE time to think. There's always a place where I have to go or 
a thing I have to do. And then I'm so tired. Well, on the other hand, I 
prefer not to think about things. That just complicates them. I take my 
life the way it is. No, not without protest, needless to say. And I do have 
my dreams, of the future and of the past as well, about hunky guys and 
video games heroines. But being Sailor Moon taught me that some 
dreams do come true, but not the way you thought. 
But would it help to think about it? No, it wouldn't. Otherwise I couldn't 
brush off things so easily, like Haruna-san, bad test papers - and this 
JERK Mamoru. He's supposed to be a student, isn't he? Instead he 
seems to HAUNT me. I meet him every day! And he insists on calling 
me this stupid name. "Tripped AGAIN, eh, Odango Atama? But maybe 
your brain just needs some good and strong eruptions to finally work 
correctly." Oh, how I hate that smoky mocking voice!! Though I have to 
admit he looks good. Quite good. But he's not nice. MY boyfriend would 
have to be nice and caring and certainly never call me "Odango Atama". 
Motoki, for example, would be my type. He's always nice to me, plus he 
looks really good. Or Tuxedo Mask - hey, I completely forgot about 
Tuxedo Mask! I'm not so sure wether he likes me or not. He saves me, 
that's true, but I don't know what he truely thinks about Sailor Moon. 
Perhaps he thinks that I'm just funny. Oh, I don't know, and it's too 
exhausting to think about it.
Here it is: three hours of torture await me. Hikawa Shrine. Those steps 
take the last out of me. Why can't we meet at MY home or at Ami's? 
Anyway, I've just taken around fifteen steps, and I already can hear 
Rei's ranting. One last deep breath.

My bed. One of my favourite places. It's warm, it's soft and it doesn't 
scold me for being sleepy. Thank god that Luna is out and Shingo is 
downstairs. I fall down on the bed. From here I can see the sky. It's a 
dark blue, nearly violet, and the sun is a sinking red ball. It makes 
everything look warm and soft to the touch. Some tiny dust particles 
are dancing in the day's last rays. In around twelve hours I'll face 
Haruna-san again, and probably more bad grades. And more insults 
from the king of all jerks.
What's he doing now? Is he watching the nightfall, too? Nah, he's a 
student. I'm sure he's out with some girl, to a student party or something 
like that. Though I never saw him with a girl. Funny. He IS a hunk. I can't 
imagine that he doesn't have a girlfriend. What is she like, I wonder. 
Maybe she's like Ami. Intelligent and pretty. Yes, I'm sure that's it. He 
wouldn't be interested in someone stupid. Someone like me... Usagi, 
what are you thinking! Why do you care? It's not as if I were interested 
in him. I'm just curious, that's all.
The sun has vanished and the night has fallen over the earth. I can see 
two stars with my right eye and four with my left one. And I with both 
eyes I see the nearly full moon hanging in the sky like a lantern. 
The moon... Luna told me about the moon princess. I'm sure she's like 
the moon, all pure and silver and illuminating. 
Oh, I wish I could just be like that!

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

"Where? NO! Don't.. where??" I open my eyes in a flash. Again. 
Bitterness washes through me. Can't she ever let me be? Why did 
she chose me? I don't know what she is asking. The ginzuishou. What 
is it and where can I find it? I don't know, and I don't WANT to know. I 
just managed to get a life after all those years in the orphanage, and 
now this. As if my life wasn't already complicated enough. Those... 
those black outs. And the dreams. I'm getting worried. Maybe I should 
see a doctor or a psychiatrist.
Sigh. Another sleepless night. I can as well stand up and cook some tea, 
as I usually do. While the water starts boiling I open the windows and let 
the fresh night breeze in. The slumbering tiger Tokyo before me I step 
out on the balcony to let the wind dry all those tiny sweat drops. I try not 
to think. Instead I focus on my senses. The whirling sound of the wind. 
A faint scent from my roses. The cool railing under my fingers. And the 
glimmering lights of a sleeping city. I look up to the sky. The moon is 
nearly full tonight. Sometimes I feel drawn to it for no reason. I admire 
its beauty and its fragrance. I used to look up to the moon in the 
orphanage, too, I remember. You can go wherever you want, but the 
moon and the stars always stay the same. They make you feel home.

The water is boiling. One last glance at the moon, then I step inside again. 
I WILL find the solution to this mysterious dream. 
Someday.


Well, that's it. Since so many people asked me to do a sequel to "Fate" - 
here it is! I think this won't be the last one, since I somehow got captured 
by this story (it means more to me than "Life Goes On" by now). I'd be 
glad to hear what You think about this story. Send any comments, good or 
bad, to tliebla@fh-koblenz.de
I'd like to say Thank You to the following people who never stop to inspire 
and encourage me:
Jade - thanks for Your letters, I really appreciate them! And if anyone 
doesn't know about her stories CHECK THEM OUT NOW!!
Sidnei - I don't give up the hope that You will finish "Always and Forever". 
Thanks a lot for Your creative help and Your encouragement ( when reading 
Your mails I'm permanently blushing!!)
Selena:The Moon Goddess - seems as though You keeps us waiting for 
chapter two of "Out of the Darkness and into the Light". But I don't care 
how long it takes - it's one of my favourites!
Corina Borsuk - Your ideas are GREAT! Even if I don't want to irritate 
someone by writing alternative parts to "Life Goes On" I might do it just for You!!
And I just read You story "The Promise". FANTASTIC!!!
Roo - thanks for Your kind advice. It's short - but precise! Keep writing!!

Yes, I know that I'm pushing Your patience, but You HAVE to know about 
those authors, because I like reading their works a lot:
Lady M. Harris, Sexylyon, of course the above mentioned Jade, Sidnei, 
Selena:The Moon Goddess and Roo, Sailor November, Andrea Hui, 
Christopher Angel, Greenbeans, Jackie Chiang, Tim Nolan, Mark Berger, 
Sailor Mac, Lianne, Pandora Waldron, Sailor Jes, Sherri-Lee Thornton, 
Yohann de Sabrais, Crystal Heart, Mishi Kawaii, Razzz, Sue Mei... 
Hey, I'm actually finished!! I'm sure I forgot someone, but You certainly know 
all those fantastic writers out there!! Thank You for reading this story. 
There'll be a sequel to it, promised!

^_-

Bye
Ricci