Here are a few of my favored jokes; most
of them about lawyers, some of them in not so many words. You can also
find funny pictures of lawyers represented as various birds.
An indigent client who had been injured in
an accident went looking for a lawyer to represent him without cost. One
lawyer told him that he would take the case on contingency.
When the client asked what "contingency"
was, the lawyer replied: "If I don't win your lawsuit, I don't get anything.
If I do win your lawsuit, you don't get anything."
How do you save a drowning lawyer?
Take your foot off his head.
There was a man called Jim, who lived near
the river. Jim was a very religious man.
One day, the river rose over the banks and
flooded the town, and Jim was forced to climb onto his porch roof. While
sitting there, a man in a boat comes along and tells Jim to get in the
boat with him. Jim says: "No, that's O.K. God will take care of me". So,
the man in the boat drives off.
The water rises, so Jim climbs onto his
roof. At that time, another boat comes along and the person in that one
tells Jim to get in. Jim replies: "No, that's O.K. God will take care of
me". The person in the boat then leaves.
The water rises even more, and Jim climbs
on his chimney. Then a helicopter comes and lowers a ladder. The woman
in the helicopter tells Jim to climb up the ladder and get in. Jim tells
her:"No, that's O.K."
The woman says: "Are you sure?" Jim says:
"Yeah, I'm sure. God will take care of me".
Finally, the water rises too high and Jim
drowns. Jim gets up to Heaven and is face-to-face with God. Jim says to
God: "You told me you would take care of me!...yet you made no effort to
stop the flood!"
At which time God stated: "Jesus Christ!...what
more did you want from me?...I sent you two boats and a helicopter!!!"
Why are lawyer never attacked by sharks?
Professional courtesy.
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night
covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get
some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began
hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and let him
get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.
"O.K, follow me." he said and flew out of
the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down trough a valley they went, across a
river and into forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the
other bats excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?"
he asked.
"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in
a frenzy.
"Good," said the first bat, "Because I didn't!"
As the lawyer slowly came out of the anesthesia
after surgery, he asked: "Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?"
"There is a big fire across the street,"
the doctor replied. "We didn't want you to think the operation had been
a failure."
A man and an aligator walked into a bar.
"Do you serve lawyers here?", the man asked.
"Sure do," replied the bartender.
"Good," said the man. "I'll have a beer,
and how 'bout a lawyer for my 'gator."
There's this fellow with a parrot. And this
parrot swears like a sailor; he can swear for five minutes straight without
repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative
type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the
guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells: "Quit
it!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then
the guy locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the
parrot and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out,
the bird cuts loose with a stream of invectives that would make a veteran
sailor blush. At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird
into the freezer.
For the first few seconds there is a terrible
din. The bird kick and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets VERY quiet.
After a couple of minutes of silence, the guy starts to think that the
bird may be hurt and he opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's out-stretched
arm and says: "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best
to improve my vocabulary from now on." The man is astounded. He can't understand
the transformation that has come over the parrot.
Then the parrot says: "By the way, what
did the chicken do?"
What has a four legs and an arm?
A happy pit bull.
You are trapped in a room with a tiger, a
rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have the gun with two bullets. What should
you do?
Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
A defending attorney was cross examining
a coroner. The attorney asked: "Before you signed the death certificate
had you taken the man's pulse?"
"No." the coroner replied.
The attorney then asked: "Did you listen
for a heart beat?"
The coroner said: "No."
"Did you check for breathing?" asked the
attorney.
Again the coroner replied: "No."
The attorney asked: "So when you signed
the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man
was dead, had you?"
The coroner, now tired of the brow beating
said: "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar
on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere."
How was copper wire invented?
Two lawyers found a penny.
German scientists dug 50 meters down in the
underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these
pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25.000
years ago had a nation-wide telephone net.
Naturally, the Russian goverment was not
that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper.
100 meters down they found small pieces of glass and they soon announced
that the ancient Russians 35.000 years ago already had a nation-wide fiber
net.
American scientists were outrageous. They
dug 200 meters down in the underground, but find absolutely nothing. They
happily concluded that the ancient Americans 55.000 years ago had cellular
telephones.
A mother was working in the kitchen listening
to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She
heard the train stop and her son said: "All of you sons of bitches who
want to get off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And
all you sons of bitches who are returning and want to get on, get your
asses on the train now, cause we're going down the tracks!"
The mother went into the living room and
told her son: "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now go
to your room and stay there for two hours. When you come out, you may go
back and play with your train, but only if you use nice language."
Two hours later the boy came out of the
room and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the
mother heard her son say: "All passengers who are disembarking the train,
please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for
riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you
will ride with us again soon."
She hears the little boy continue: "For
those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage
under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you
will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
Then, the child added: "And for those of
you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, see the bitch in the kitchen."
What's the difference between a good lawyer
and a bad lawyer?
A bad lawyer can let a case drag out
for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.
There was a brunette standing along side
a busy road chanting: "88, 88, 88, 88..." until a blonde came up to her
and said: "That looks like fun, can I try?" The brunette said sure....so
the blonde chanted: "88, 88, 88, 88...".
"Well," said the brunette, "that is fun.
But what is ever more fun is if you say it in the middle of the road."
So the blonde said: "O.K." and stood in the middle of the road. "88, 88,
88, 88..." BAM! She was run over by a car, completely flattened.
Along the side of the road, the brunette
began to chant: "89, 89, 89, 89..."
What is the difference between a vulture
and a lawyer?
The vulture eventually lets go.
A guy walks into the toy shop and says to
the assistant: "Could you please show me your Barbie dolls?"
She says: "Certainly, sir. Here, we have:
Fashion Barbie at $15.95; Vacation Barbie at $15.95; Housewife Barbie at
$15.95 and Divorcee Barbie at $215.95!"
The guy asks in atonishment: "Why is Divorcee
Barbie so much?! She looks the same to me."
The assistant explains: "Well, sir, Divorcee
Barbie comes complete with Ken's house, Ken's car, etc, etc...".
A physician, an engineer, and an attorney
were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions
represented. The physician said: "Remember, on the sixth day God
took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore,
medicine is the oldest profession."
The engineer replied: "But, before that,
God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he
was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than
medicine."
Then, the lawyer spoke up. "Yes," he said,
"but who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?"
How many lawyer jokes are there?
Just two, all the rest are true.