You made the decision to come here, now you have to live with it...
Q: What has four legs and would
kill you if it fell out of a tree?
A: A piano.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? It has great food but no atmosphere.
Q: Why are there so many "Smiths"
in the phone book?
A: Because they all have phones.
Q: Why do cows wear bells around
their neck?
A: Because their horns don't work.
Q: What's the difference between
mashed potatoes and pea soup?
A: Anybody can mash potatoes.
Q: How do you make a cat bark?
A: Pour gasoline on it and light
on fire, and it goes, "Whooooooph!"
Q: What do you call a drummer without
a girlfriend?
A: Homeless.
A duck walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some Chap-Stick. The pharmacist hands the Chap-Stick to the duck and asks, "Are you paying for this with cash, check or charge?" The duck replies, "Neither. Just put it on my bill."
Did you hear that the FBI had difficulty
identifying the stains on Monica's dress?
Apparently everybody in Arkansas
has the same DNA.
Q: What does NASCAR and Monica's
dress have in common?
A: Dick Trickle
Stuck in a strange city by bad weather, the drinker was bored. He sat in the bar and looking to strike up a conversation, turned to the bartender and said, "Hey, about those Democrats in the Congress ... "
"Stop -- I don't
permit talk about politics in my bar!" interrupted the
bartender.
A few minutes later the gent tried again, "People say about the Pope... "
"No religion talk, either," the bartender cut in.
"Look, how about sex. Can I talk sex?"
"Sure."
"Then f*** you."
Emily Sue passed away and Billy
Bob called 911. The 911 operator told Billy
Bob that she would send
someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Billy Bob replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"
There was a long pause and
finally Billy Bob said, "How 'bout if I drag her
over to Oak Street and you
pick her up there?"
So there's this blonde out for a
walk. She comes to a river and sees
another blonde on the opposite
bank. "Yoohoo" she shouts, "how can I get to
the other side?" The second
blonde looks up the river then down the river
then shouts back, "You are
on the other side."