The "In" Basket

Here is a selection of several that all arrived on one e-mail one day. I think they're great.

Buying a Bra...

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, one of the largest department store chains. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said. "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife"

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man "There is more than one type?"

"Look Around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size ,color and material.

"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras," replied the salesclerk.

Confused, the man asked what were the types.

The saleslady replied "The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"

Still confused the man asked "What is the difference between them?"

The lady responded "It is all really quite simple.

The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.

Dirty minds...

I was scared at first. It was very wide, and very long, and it angled straight up. I decided I had to try it once. I slowly and carefully eased myself onto it.

It felt weird at first.

Then I got used to it. I went up and down, and up and down on it. I was really loving it.

Now I ride on escalators all the time.

I took my fingers and slowly, gently stretched it apart. It was so pure and white. I licked it once, twice... I found I couldn't stop. I licked it faster and faster, and harder and harder. I began to scrape my teeth against it. There it was, in my mouth! All sweet and creamy. I was done.

I threw away the outsides of my Oreo cookie.

I squeezed it gently at first, then a little bit harder. There seemed to be more and more of it. I moved it towards my lips. It was a strange and new sensation for me. I put it in my mouth and moved it around and around with my tongue. The time soon came when I knew I had to spit it out.

It was quite an experience the first time I tasted toothpaste.

It was laying limp in my hand. It was very long, kind of thin. I slid it between my fingers until I got to the end of it. I was turning it on. It became firm in my hands, and the end was wet. Then it got very hard and began gushing out of the tip.

Then I took the garden hose and watered the bushes.

I knew it could be done. I wanted to try but I didn't know if I could do it. I called my friend. He said he knew how to do it and would teach me. He put his arms around me and started. I watched nervously in the mirror. He finally finished and pulled back slowly. I felt relieved that it was over.

I hate neckties.

It looked warm and dark, and juicy and inviting. I wasn't sure just what I wanted to do with it. I carefully pulled it apart with my fingers to look into it better. I knew how great it would be if I just started eating it.

But I decided on catsup for my burger.

They were two of the biggest balls I had ever seen! They hung so heavy and low. I tried lifting them gently, but that wasn't enough. They had to be pulled, and I pulled on them very very hard. They finally came.

I moved them to a higher spot on the Christmas tree.

High tech. auto...

A lady bought a new $100,000 Mercedes and proudly drove it off the showroom floor to take home. Halfway home, she attempted to change radio stations and saw that there appeared to be only one station. She immediately turned around and headed back to the dealer.

Once at the dealer, she found her salesman and began to excitedly explain that her radio was not working, and they must replace it since she only had one radio station.

The salesman calmed her down and told her that her car radio was the latest in digital technology and was voice-activated. She would only need to state aloud the type of music that she wanted and the car would find it. She got into the car and started the engine and then said the word "country", and the radio changed to a station playing a George Strait song. She was satisfied and started home.

After a while she decided to try out the radio and said "rock n roll" and the radio station changed to a song by the Rolling Stones. Quite pleased with herself, the woman continued driving.

A few blocks from her house, another driver ran a light causing her to slam on her brakes to avoid a collision. The woman angrily exclaimed "Asshole!".....the radio cut over to Bill Clinton's press conference.

The eternal question: Why did the chicken cross the road?

KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.

PLATO: For the greater good.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.

TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.

SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

JACK NICHOLSON: 'cause it f.........g wanted to. That's the f.........g reason.

RONALD REAGAN: I forget.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.

ARTHUR ANDERSEN CONSULTANT: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM),Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep road skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross- median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry- focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.

LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.

MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.

OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.

EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road .. it transcended it.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

Doc-isms

Here's a little list of "Doc-isms"--What doctors say, and what (they're really thinking:)

"This should be taken care of right away."
(I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.)

"Welllllll, what have we here...?"
(He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.)

"Let me check your medical history."
(I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.)

"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
(I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time.
--or-- I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.)

"We have some good news and some bad news."
(The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.)

"Let's see how it develops."
(Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.)

"Let me schedule you for some tests."
(I have a forty percent interest in the lab.)

"I'd like to have my associate look at you."
(He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.)

"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
(I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.)

"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
(I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.)

"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
(I think I'm going to throw up.)

"This may smart a little."
(Last week two patients bit off their tongues.)

"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"
(I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?)

"This should fix you up."
(The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.)

"Everything seems to be normal."
(Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.)

"I'd like to run some more tests."
(I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.)

"Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
(You're crazier'n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who'll split fees with me ...)

"There is a lot of that going around."
(My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.)

"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
(I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week.)

Medical observation...

At a medical convention, a male and female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands. After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go in and wash her hands. Once she comes back, they go for it. After the sexual interlude, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands. When she comes back the male doctor says, "I bet you are a surgeon." She confirms and asks how he knew.

"Easy, you're always washing your hands."

She then says, "I'll bet your an anesthesiologist."

Male Doctor, "Wow, how did you guess?"