We have a winner! Those lyrics I posted yesterday were from a 1967 flick called How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying. I imagine it probably started as a musical on Broadway, but don't hold me to that. Musicals aren't usually my cup of Joe, but I dug How to Succeed... the very first time I spied it at the old Sandy Beach Drive-in. Robert Morse starred in it and he cracked me up. The only other movie I can remember him being in was Guide for the Married Man, which was yet another hoot. And once again, I watched that one at the Sandy Beach Drive-in. By the way, the Turtles performed the title track for that non-epic.

I shouldn't have bothered to ask if anyone knew what those lyrics were culled from as one of our Wilkes-Barre residents is seriously into theater, and musicals and whatnot. Bill, you've won yourself a year's supply of free advice. Here's your first installment: Never operate a food mixer while stark naked. You're welcome.

My favorite musicals? Why the heck not? I have Jesus Christ Superstar memorized forwards and backwards to this very day. I was so awestruck by that vinyl LP, I played damn near nothin' else for about a year after it's release. I liked State Fair. Ioway! But, I think West Side Story tops my list and remains a timeless classic. Despite my first love being diz-busting guitars jacked into distortion pedals, I still spin that soundtrack once or twice a year. And Natalie Wood is probably the all-time uber-cutie. Not sexy. Just cute and then some.

And there you have it. A whole bunch of useless gunk that you didn't need to know.

Is it just me, or is the United States swirling down the drain right before our very eyes? Don't get me wrong, I'm not about to point fingers at those dastardly Dems, or those idiot bastard sons normally referred to as Republicans. Rather, I'm about to call the entire lot of them spineless do-nothing self-promoters that put their party and their "careers" before the needs of the country.

BANG!!!

What concerns our lawmakers these days? Lemme see, well they're at each others throats about Roe Vs. Wade, same-sex marriage, censoring the internet, and working tirelessly to bring charges against each other. Did I miss anything important other than their disturbing habit of selling their souls for a few votes?

I can't turn on any electronic media device without hearing Harriet Miers' name ad nauseum. There's no need to debate her merits, because if Bush had nominated any of the other 280 million Americans, you can bet your lucky stars the rush would be on to discredit them likewise. And what's this ridiculous commotion all about? You got it, Roe vs. Wade. Wanna know what? Wanna? Who gives a flying f>ck about abortion, anyway? I think it's a grotesque practice. I do.

When I consider that I was in college, got my girlfriend pregnant, and had a net worth only as big as my next meager paycheck; in hindsight, an abortion would have made some sense. Wouldn't it have? It never even entered our minds. And thanks to our being willing to tough out what we alone had caused, we now have a lovely, vibrant daughter and two amazing grandchildren as a result. We may have been young and stupid, but it would never occur to us to pick up a rotary phone and order a murder like so many pizzas we've ordered over the years. Whatever. But, that's just us. If you wanna kill off your future grandchildren, knock yourselves out. I really do not care. That's your baggage to carry. I've got my own stuff to deal with.

But, in the grand scheme of things, shouldn't the Roe vs. Wade tussle be way, way down there on the fedrule govmint's lengthy laundry list of things needing fixing?

Who cares whether they teach evolution or not?

Who cares what they teach so long as illiteracy remains as pervuasive as incurable cancer? Illiteracy is a choice, and not something that more money funneled to powerful unions can ever cure.

What about social security?

What about medicare?

What about the staggering increases in health care premiums?

What about balanced budgets?

How about our lack of energy exploration?

How about those gasoline and home heating oil prices?

What happened to the quagmire that is The War on Drugs? Is anyone experiencing any difficulties getting their daily fix?

What happened to securing our borders during The War on Terror? Have our career politicians stumbled upon and overdosed on stupid pills?

Trust me, I sincerely don't care what the Sun did to any of my neighbor's ancestor's pigment so long as everybody respects each others property. But what's up with the Mexican's being allowed to jump the fence whenever they want? Lemme get this straight. The ATF can bust in here and assault my entire family if I take a hacksaw to a shotgun barrel, but the fedrule govmint refuses to enforce the laws on the books whereas illegal immigration is concerned???

This is what the fedrule govmint is telling me. If I screw up in any significant way, I'm gonna be Big Bubba's love slave for the next 3-6 years unless I decide to opt out of the program by hanging myself, or slicing my wrists.

But here's the fedrule govmint's warning to the folks planning to jump the border tonight:

Don't you do it. Don't even think about it. We've got fences, and border guards, and trained dogs, and helicopters, and laws, and speedy SUVs and the I.N.S. Don't you frickin' do it. We're warning you. We mean it.

But...if you do manage to jump the border, well, then we've got quite the package waiting for you. Hell, we'll give you drivers licenses, welfare, free health care, reduced admission at a community college near you, WIC, Head Start, free school lunches, free legal services, and a teacher for every language. But, remember...don't you frickin' do it. We're warning you. And we mean it (Wink, wink).

Who's kidding who?

Foreigners, non-citizens, illegal aliens are being allowed to break our laws and violate our border at will and then get in line for the fedrule entitlement program buffet, but a taxpaying resident such as myself has to shoulder the weight of those programs, while being forced to obey the laws of the land? This is insane.

Neocons?

Roe vs. Wade?

Evolution vs. Creation?

Two Daddies vs. a Mom and a Dad?

What did Dick Cheney know and when did he know it?

Sorry, kiddies, but we're being systematically screwed by these warring political tribes that want what's best for them, while caring very little about what's best for us.

Have you gotten the feeling of late that Rome has been flooded with gasoline, while fiddle sales continue to skyrocket?

I know I have.

Whatever, gringos. Stick some serious, serious wads of cash in your stained mattress, don't take on any new debt and learn more than some rudimentary Spanish. The fedrule govmint is counting on your apathy.

Bush/Cheney?

Kerry/Edwards?

At this point, what's the f>cking difference?

After I posted what I did yesterday, thanks entirely to the e-mail inbox, there seemed to be some confusion as to who currently owns the Ten East South Street building. I assumed that Wilkes University bought it for three reasons. First, SNAKE told me as much. But, this is the same guy that gave y'all the adventures of Pisser Dude, so consider the source. Second, those new signs reading University Towers went up. And third, the following story I found at The Beacon, the student newspaper at Wilkes, kind of sealed it for me.

Ten East South residents informed balconies are off-limits By Becky Goodman Published: Monday, October 10, 2005 Sunshine and fresh air can do wonders. They can refresh, focus, and boost energy for a busy student. They can also brighten a living space. But for Wilkes students living at University Towers at 10 East South Street, the natural light once central to their living spaces may soon be part of the past. Last week, students living at University Towers received a notice stating, "Due to recent events regarding inappropriate behavior and misuse of the balconies, Wilkes students will no longer have access to or use of the balconies." The notice explained that the decision was made for safety reasons involving the students and those walking under the balconies. The doors would be locked, and a small slot would be kept open for air circulation, but the doors that once led to the balconies attached to individual apartments would be unusable and students would no longer be able to open them. The notification came as a surprise to many of the students living in the Towers. "I think that they could have done some research. I understand their reasoning for closing the balconies, but at the same time there are people here who are definitely adult enough to handle a balcony. [...] I don't really like the fact that I am being treated like I've done something wrong when I haven't done anything wrong," said Jessica Ferris, senior electrical engineering major. Wilkes University's Residence Life representatives heard about the notification, met with the University Towers management and then held a meeting with students Tuesday night in order to clear up misinformation and elaborate on the plan. At this meeting, Director of Residence Life, Gretchen Yeninas stated that the management and Wilkes had worked together and decided it would be best to warn the students and that the balconies would not be closed on October 5 as originally stated in the letter. The meeting, however, did serve as a warning to Wilkes students that the balconies could still be closed in the future if behavoir did not change. At the meeting, students also raised other concerns about fire safety, for example, since the balcony door serves as a second exit for most students living at 10 East South. According to Yeninas, the decision to close the balconies to begin with came on the heels of complaints and security risks that have occurred in the past, most recently one that occurred about two weeks ago in which a full can of beer was tossed off a balcony and landed dangerously close to an employee of University Towers. The safety risks and other incidents including students throwing eggs, public urination off the balcony, and a variety of other complaints have been raised intermittently since last spring. According to Yeninas, University Towers management determined that the best solution to the safety hazards was to simply close the balconies; however, Wilkes University officials did not discourage it. "It was their idea, the idea originated with them. We did not argue." University Towers management representatives refused comment for this story. Paul S. Adams, Vice President of Student Affairs, noted that the beer can incident served as the final straw. "At that point it becomes a health and safety matter." Adams added that the behavior that has occurred at the apartments "was not representative of what any community would aspire to." All of the Wilkes students in the building will be affected if the balconies are cordoned off and many are not happy about it, especially those who are considered off-campus and pay a rent that includes balcony use. Melissa Sweigart, senior pharmacy major who lives at the Towers, said, "I'm enraged at the fact that the management...can deem me a student when I pay rent just like the rest of the 'non-students.' [...] There is no part of my lease in which I wrote down that I was a student of Wilkes University. Thus, for the management to even know that I am a student, let alone that I fall under the same rules as the Wilkes campus students is ridiculous and most likely illegal." In addition to the balcony controversy at 10 East South, security presence at the apartments has been cut to only Friday and Saturday nights. The absence of security at the apartments during the week leaves nights covered solely by Wilkes University Public Safety and the Resident Assistants. Jonathan McClave, senior mechanical engineering and business major, is an R.A. for the building. Although he understands both sides of the issue and the management's liability concerns, McClave still noted, "I was shocked. It seems like they just want to stop the balconies all together and really not try to stop the issue." Students have been asked to keep an eye out for those who are perpetuating the behavior that may close the balconies. In an October 7 follow-up letter, University officials asked that any student aware of violations associated with the University Towers balconies to come forward. Yeninas understands that some students may be hesitant and may not want to "rat out" peers. However, "the point is everybody is going to suffer for a few people's bad behavior, and that is not what we really want to see happen." While many remain upset about the threat leveled by University Towers management, some recognize the importance of maintaining a positive image within the community, and thus the impetus for the proposed policy change. Stephanie Pacifico, junior elementary education major, said "I don't feel that Wilkes students should get this kind of reputation. I don't want them to have this kind of reputation in the town, in the community or even to parents. [...] I really think there's hope that this behavior will stop because the kids that did these things clearly were enjoying their balconies so they don't want to lose that privilege." University Towers management representatives refused comment for this story.

The notice explained that the decision was made for safety reasons involving the students and those walking under the balconies. The doors would be locked, and a small slot would be kept open for air circulation, but the doors that once led to the balconies attached to individual apartments would be unusable and students would no longer be able to open them.

Anyway, after re-reading that somewhat screwey story, I'm curious as to what the higher ups in this city's fire department would think about locking down those doors leading to the balconies.

If an apartment is filling up with smoke, and the apartment dwellar has no means of regress, would it then be a wise decision to have those balcony doors in permanent lock-down mode?

I ride by there all the time on one of my bikes or another, and I don't feel like getting skulled by a high-velocity beer can anytime soon. But, is locking people inside of a high-rise a well-thought-out idea?

Methinks not.

I want to thank (?) those of you who took time out from your busy schedules to drop me an electronic pulse busting on the New York Giants. But trust me, nothing you can say could add to the anguish that being a diehard Giants fan usually amounts to. Yes, the Jints have been to three Super Bowls, and, yes, this team has claimed more NFL titles than any other. Didn't know that, did ya? But, when the Giants aren't claiming titles and such, they usually jump up and down all over my jewels for 17 weeks. They did tease me for four weeks, but after yesterday's inept debacle, I realize that they are but mortal men.

Consider this, I was already a Giants fan at the age of five when my Mom enrolled me at Ferry School. Yup, you heard that right. I did the kindergarten thing at Ferry School. Look it up, it was in Shelton, Connecticut back when belching smokestacks made for good neighbors.

Anyway, at the age of five, I was following the Jints to some degree. And when did they first do me, like, proud? In 1981 when a rookie named Lawrence Taylor body-slammed Tony Dorsett into fumbling and the Jints were a wild-card team. I was 23 years-old. Trust me, being a fan of Big Blue often leaves me feeling black and blue. So, bust my chops if you must, but know that I've heard it, or felt it all before.

But this snippet of an e-mail brings me re-newed hope:

Ah, the dreaded, scumball Philthydumpia Eagles. If we lost every game except the two against those over-rated late-hitters; I'd weap tears of joy.

Why was it that Ike Hilliard missed an entire season? Oh, yeah. The Eagles just burned safety decided to cheat-shot him nine yards deep into the end zone, that's why. A fifteen yard penalty. Big whoop! Andy Reid is a genious? Well, I guess, iffin' putting the oppposing teams skill players on the disabled list with cheap shots somehow counts as brain power. And he's got a linebacker playing quarterback who specializes in throwing the half-back pass twenty times a game. Wow! Genious at it's genious best.

As a matter of fact, I haven't heard that genious tag bandied about much since Joe Gibbs, Bill Parcells and Tom Coughlin jumped into the NFL East fray. The writing is definately on the wall. Now that some proven NFL geniouses have joined our division, the Philthydumpia Bills are to the pro football hierarchy, what the Soviet Union was to being a superpower. Yup, the rot has set in.

Hey, at least those green weinies got to finish second for a couple of years in a row. We'll all remember that long after the Chunky Soup endorsements dry up. NOT!!!

And T.O.? After he wears out his welcome by this season's end, Barnum & Bailey will still be needing big top clowns. He's but another loss or two from blowing his well-worn gasket.

Enjoy, kiddies.

I know I will.

The following e-mail did not come to me by way of Joe Snedeker:

I'm beat. Too much weekend.

CYA

William Scranton III???