There has not been a refinery built in America in the last 20 years. So if you produce more crude oil but you can't refine it, it's not going to translate into gasoline. Environmental restrictions requiring special blends sold in different cities are driving up the price. Unless the U.S. begins to simplify this area, and unless the U.S. deals with its refining shortage, there will always be a problem with gasoline.--Saudi foreign affairs adviser, Adel Al-Jubeir

Crack my ass up. So much for John Kerry's plan to put pressure on OPEC. Maybe Kerry and his fellow harbringers of hateful rhetoric that the Democratic party has become should kick the enviros out of bed.

What drives American civilians to risk death in Iraq? In this economy, it may be, for some, the only job they can find.--CBS' Dan Rather

Be honest. Have you ever heard anything remotely close to this stupid since Jocelyn Elders went bye bye?

This can't be true. Or can it?

#8: The Left-Handed Whopper In 1998 Burger King published a full page advertisement in USA Today announcing the introduction of a new item to their menu: a "Left-Handed Whopper" specially designed for the 32 million left-handed Americans. According to the advertisement, the new whopper included the same ingredients as the original Whopper (lettuce, tomato, hamburger patty, etc.), but all the condiments were rotated 180 degrees for the benefit of their left-handed customers. The following day Burger King issued a follow-up release revealing that although the Left-Handed Whopper was a hoax, thousands of customers had gone into restaurants to request the new sandwich. Simultaneously, according to the press release, "many others requested their own 'right handed' version."

Wait! There's more like this. Top 100 April Fool's Day Hoaxes of All Time These pricks are gonna give me ideas.

RUTRO! This can't be good news for us senior-starving, baby-killing homophobe Bushies. From ScrappleFace.com: Condi 9/11 Closed-Door Transcript Leaked to Media

PANEL MEMBER: How would you describe the Bush administration's level of concern about al Qaeda prior to the 9/11 attacks?

DR. RICE: We viewed the al Qaeda threat as important, but not urgent. We were more concerned with developing a missile defense system and planning to avenge Saddam Hussein's attempt to assassinate President Bush's father.

Click here to read the entire transcript.

Ethel's back. Some of us were hopeful that her unit was mobilized and shipped directly from Camp Gorbachev to the Middle East. That is not the case. I took a gander at the forum yesterday only to find this:

Baseball Vs. Politics -- Ethel Hozniak, 13:18:54 04/04/04 Sun [1]

From April 4th edition of the 'Chosen Ones' column. Edited for Wilkes-Barre Online clarity. Ever play MadLibs. Here's my version. -----------------------------------------------------------------
The (United States) have one thing that the (French) sorely lack. Namely, (George Bush). This guy has been the (United States) skipper for 13 seasons, and 12 of them have resulted in division titles. Others have been named (President) of the Year, while (Bush) continued to be snubbed by his peers. The thinking was that the (United States) were a rich ball club. Their payroll has always been near the top, but the turnover on that club has been steady, if not downright scary. Still, (Bush) and (Cheney) led the latest installment of the (United States) to the top of the (World) heap. 13 may be an unlucky number and all, but as our former mayor taught us: You can't count your theaters until they're built.

What sort of useless skimble-skamble is that supposed to be? Ethel, have you been nippin' at grampy's secret recipe again? Moonshine and cranberry juice, anyone? Are you still sore at me for hacking on your Botox Avenger? You know, the thrice decorated, but never wounded war hero. Are you obsessing? I could have Larry drop off a nice glossy of myself for your dartboard? Or how about my grandkids too? You could mutilate their pics. Lemme know.

And who the f**k are you to edit anything that anyone else has to say. You wanna know what? Your hatred is showing. Your intolerance was just put on display for all to see, Babs. I tried to get a mild rise out of the local Phillies fans and you have to go and twist it into yet another "I Hate Bush" harangue. Try curbing the hate for a spell and have some fun. Jeez! Besides, your perfunctory nay-saying is often sophmoric at best. And what's up with this 'Chosen One' codswallop? What is that? Simmering hatred? Resentment? Or good old-fashioned jealousy?

If you feel an over-riding need to get your opinions out there, slap the plastic down and create a web site of your own. Heck. I'll read it. I, unlike you, CAN tolerate consenting opinions, provided that they make some modicum of sense. What we have here is your typical, died-in-the-wool, Machiavellian myrmidon of a Democrat. You're more than willing to use, provided that someone else pays for it. And if others are even remotely judgmental of anyone, or anything, you then overreact and judge them very, very harshly.

By the way, the Phillies are 0 and 1. Where do we suppose Larry Bowa will be coaching at this time next year?

I had to watch the Red Sox game last night. Javy Lopez was one of our favorite Braves in this house. Question: What's the one thing you never throw at Javy? Answer: A first pitch fastball. So here I sat. And as his very first American League pitch was on it's way, I yelped, "He's gonna..." Too late! Fly ball...you know the rest. So much for the Red Sox' scouting reports. Yikes!

And what's up with Johnny Damon? Have you ever heard a major league baseball player referred to as being gruesome? Somebody hit a gapper all the way to the wall and for a split second there I thought Bigfoot was playing center. Yikes!

From the e-mail inbox:

*******Hey Mark,
Ask of the the "Negative Nelly's" in the crowd who said the situation in the city wasn't going to get worse BEFORE it gets better. The firefighters knew this. But we now have a leader in the mayor's office that is a gentleman. He will at least talk to us not at us. But when we settle our contract with the city either through an agreement or arbitration we are going to be the bad boys of the budget crunch- again.

XXXX X*******

I hears ya. I know they were hoping for some concessions and such, but whatcha gonna do? I doubt that you'll be vilified in the press, or painting hydrants to the point of absurdity as ya'll were during the nightmare years.

Again:

*******Dude...you are famous! Anyone who can get hate mail like Rush Limbaugh....well that alone speaks volumes. Plus your not hooked on narcotics....just copious amounts of Zappa. Ha ha ha....Don't worry about the biking....stay in the city and the hose dudes will take good care of ya in the event of any hood hopping. Later*******

Heyna? Here I sit firmly ensconced in my Vlad the Impaler chair, behind my golden WBO keyboard, having more fun and more semi-woodys than any Wilkes-Barre resident should be allowed to have. With knowledge on loan from some yet to be named demi-god. With half of my positive ion-charged brain wrapped behind me just to make it fair. I know these Ethels like the back of my hand. Let's go to the stack of stuff from the Voice and the Leader. Can you guess which one of my formerly hashish-stained fingers are pointing at the Markie-Cam? Let's get right to it. Time for a McG update. De-de-lup, de-de-lup, de...

Dude. The picture wouldn't load, but I think we get the general idea. From the e-mail inbox:

ACLU Upset At Marines

If you look closely at the picture above, you will note that all the Marines pictured are bowing their heads. That's because they're praying.

This incident took place at a recent ceremony honoring the birthday of the corps, and it has the ACLU up in arms. "These are federal employees," says Lucius Traveler, a spokesman for the ACLU, "on federal property and on federal time. For them to pray is clearly an establishment of religion, and we must nip this in the bud immediately."

When asked about the ACLU's charges, Colonel Jack Fessender, speaking for the Commandant of the Corps said (cleaned up a bit), "Screw the ACLU. GOD Bless Our Warriors, Send the ACLU to France."

May God Bless America, One Nation Under GOD!

Did he say GOD! OOOOOH! I'm reporting him to the proper authorities right this very moment. You know, the Democratic National Committee. Thou shalt have no god before the almighty and omnipresent federal government. For your pennance, you must recite four Our Father Stalins, three Hail Rock Hudsons, and continue to forfeit 40% of your income. Now go in peace my racist son.

I had better go. That's enough insanity for one night. Maybe Ethel is on to something. Or on something. Whatever.

Later