The Democrats, all up in arms over this Dubai ports deal, say it's bad for national security. But would they allow a citizen of the UAE to be racially profiled at an airport with additional security?--Neal Boortz

Nope.

Alright, here‘s the scoop. On May 16th we need to do our civic duty and vote. Yes, all 112 of us--this means you. Since our county commissioners found it impossible to comply with a “new” federal law passed in 2002 and purchase some newfangled electronic voting machines the Fedrule Govmint had already promised to pay for, the Iraqi elections are now the model we can only hope to copy one day.

Here’s the latest from the county voter services folks. “Shirts” will vote on the Green Monsters--our lever machines. The “Skins” will use crayons and construction paper. The independents will use pencils and paper. The handicapped will use a modified gas-powered Spirograph. And the illegal aliens can phone in their votes since proper identification at the polls scares the hell out of our Democratic governor. Oh, and the recently diseased can vote via relatives, ex-lovers, or district party bosses--twice.

Thank goodness that Help America Vote Act was passed into law by the Fedrule geniuses. Everything was in such a state of flux until they upped and fixed it. Yeah, that worked out about as well as the McCain/Feingold Act whereby the big bucks were removed from politics. As if. Yeah, there’s nothing some short-sighted legislation authored by less than thorough nincompoops can’t fix. With all of this fixin’ in place, I’m switching my party affiliation. There’s no predicting the weather with any great certainty, so I don’t wanna be a “skin” come May 16th if the weather takes a turn for the worse.

So, leave your I.D. home, vote early and vote often since nobody knows what the fu>k is going on.

The U.S. Department of Justice has waded into Pennsylvania's growing crisis over voting systems, threatening to sue the state if its counties fail to be in compliance with federal law by the May primary election. In addition to the potential lawsuit, Wan J. Kim, assistant U.S. attorney general for civil rights, also warned in a letter to Pennsylvania Attorney General Thomas Corbett dated Feb. 21 that $23 million in federal funds might be at risk. He said he plans to file a complaint in federal court within 10 days.

Idiots all. Sez me.

The Green Party Convention wraps up today in Wilkes-Barre. Sorry I missed it. NOT! Here’s a few things I ran across as the convention got underway.

First, a local blogger whom I totally respect made some mention about this being the first political convention he could remember being held in Wilkes-Barre. While that’s probably true, I’ll not link to his comments out of respect for him, but he got me to thinking about which political parties might actually stage a convention in this town. The question being, which parties are small enough in membership to fit a convention anywhere in the city?

Neither of the two incumbency parties would fit into any of our smallish venues, so they and their mistresses are definitely out. All that leaves us with are the fringe parties: The Greens, The Reform Party, The Libertarians, the Constitutionalists, The Pan-Sexual Peace Party, The American Commies, The Zappatarians, etc., etc., etc. In other words, hosting a Green Convention is akin to hosting the X.F.L. championship game, while The Super Bowl goes down in nearby Philadelphia. Big whoop!

Another thing is the inevitability that the candidates nominated at the big convention here in Wilkes-Barre are headed towards their personal political versions of The Little Big Horn. Why should I care who the Green Party nominates as their gubernatorial candidate? Are they going to somehow knock off both Ed Rendell and the chosen Republican red-headed step-sister from Pittsburgh? Ain’t happening.

One of the Green folks visiting town made an appearance on The Sue Henry Show and all I heard was the usual Green Party gobblety gook. They were disillusioned by our two-party system, which typically means they tried, but they couldn’t get themselves elected to save their lives. They blame the “exclusive” two-party system rather than their lack of viability as political candidates. Ross Perot’s rise to near power debunks all of their vapid arguments.

They reject our foreign policy and promise to do much, much better. Really? Based on what? They read some of the same books I did? I know damn they well want to change things as our foreign policies relate to Columbia. In the Green scheme of things, drug intervention policies have to be done away with before hemp can become our biggest import after cocaine.

Their major selling point (?) is social justice, which is a “progressives” way of saying they strictly adhere to the communist doctrine of redistribution of wealth. A lack of effort, education or sobriety on someone else’s part mandates that the great bulk of my overtime earnings should be confiscated to “level the playing field.” That translates into my having to work longer and harder so that the lazy, the stupid and the hopelessly addicted can work even more of their less than productive magic at no expense to them. Now there’s a system of economics that’s failed every time it’s been tried. But the Greens know how to do it better. Yeah.

If Greens start getting themselves elected in any appreciable numbers, it might be time to move to Montana and secede from the United States. They way I figure it, we could start vast pot farms and be the ruling Green Party’s OPEC. Once they start importing 50-60% of their pot from The Republic of Montana, they wouldn’t dare to make us angry and risk a major pot embargo.

Nominate this! Sez me.

The Wilkes-Barre Police Department has procured for itself one of them tasers that zaps people needing to be zapped with, like, 21 billion jiggawatts of electricity. They yell “freeze” and when you don’t you get zapped, you fall over, and you jiggle your way uncontrollably to being medium-rare. I’m not quite real sure, but I’m thinking I’d rather take a bullet in the leg or something.

As part of Mr. Herring’s Power Technology class at Coughlin, we were offered an “A” during any semester in which we could stay seated in his home-styled electric chair for a mere 5 seconds. As far as I know, no one ever earned an “A” in that most dubious of fashions. I would have tried it, but if I had earned anything higher than a C-plus, my mom would have keeled over right quick.

Come to think of it, after reading the following story, now I am certain and I’m going on the record as requesting the bullet through the leg iffin’ I ever get stupid enough to earn such a thing. Shoot me.

Please.

From The Sun-Sentinel.com:

I think this guy is definitely onto something here.

I’m kidding!

Who the hell voted for this fool? I wonder. Does Pennsylvania have an official state dirt? Oh, yeah. Forgot. It’s culm dust, isn’t it?

Latest dirt on official names By JAMES SALZER The Atlanta Journal-Constitution Published on: 02/24/06 Georgia has an official amphibian, crop, folk dance, insect, peanut monument, 'possum and vegetable. This year it might get an official type of dirt. Rep. Bobby Franklin (R-Marietta), previously no fan of the General Assembly's affinity for designating official symbols, filed legislation Thursday to name Georgia red clay the state's official dirt.

The pizza place next to the Paramount Theater? Holy frig! You sure as heck got me by the pepperoni? I’m clueless on that one, but somebody out there has to remember. I took a spin through my copy of “The Great Flood of1972” checking out the pictures of the old Public Square, but to no avail. Got me.

As far as greasy pizza goes, I think Leon’s Pizza on Market Street in the old Heights had the greasiest pizza ever. When we got bored with just hangin’ out in front of the Louden Hill store, we’d grab a pizza from nearby Leon’s, wait for the perfect passing vehicle and slap that greasy slop off of the windshield. Oh, and run like hell.

Makes me wonder about these kids today when they get to whining that there’s nothing to do. You know the routine: I’m bored. They show no initiative whatsoever. They display a total lack of creativity. Why, I was never bored when I was your age! I tell ‘em. But I rarely go into much detail beyond that.

Kids today.

Dude, you still got my cell phone number? Gimme a buzz and we’ll plan the first ever NEPA Bloggers Convention. Heck, it’d make more sense than that Green Party doper get-together. I’m thinking we buy, like, a gross of balloons, fill ’em with water and get Chia Kev to be our guest speaker. We may be powerless to change the world, but we got enough arm strength to pelt the hell out of one small part of it.

Lemme know.

All too often I go out of my way to bust balls, and many of you return the favor. Sometimes I post your comments here when they’re witty or intelligent. Many times I simply delete them because they sound as if they came from a third-grader. Other times I’m just too tired to summon up a prolonged argument in response and forget that they ever came to the e-mail inbox in the first place. I think most of the people that look at this site realize it’s an exercise in free-form lunacy with content that could never be predicted from day-to-day.

I mean, if a local politico was found in a motel room with twin girls and a month’s supply of condoms and whipped cream, you’d have to figure that’s what I’d be dying to add my two cent’s worth to. If I was caught in the exact same circumstance, I figure I’d still be ready to write about as much just to make the lot of you jealous. If we were forced to vote on Etch ‘a’ Sketches…wait, we’re gonna be doing as much soon enough. Nevermind.

Anywho, I’ve gotten my fair share of guff from anonymous e-mailers who felt the need to take serious issue with my choice of J.J. Murphy as the best of the available candidates hoping to replace Kevin Blaum. I didn’t bother to post most of that because I have to consider the anonymous sources, which are most likely city employees, past or present. The sad fact is, being an anonymous internet assassin displays a clear lack of intestinal fortitude. Whatever. Nothing new going on there.

Interestingly enough, a few days ago somebody told me that with political consultant extraordinaire Ed Mitchell backing another horse, my horse’s race was going to be a very short one indeed. Yesterday I told someone else that despite his track record, Ed Mitchell does not scare me in the least. Wanna know why?

First of all, the primary race is getting to be a crowded race, so the expensive Brian O’Donnell publicity blitz is likely to be that of a positive message extolling his virtues. If O’Donnell were to win that race, then the negative attack ads would likely appear as the general election drew closer and closer. That’s pretty much in keeping with what Ed Mitchell has done in the past.

To suggest, as was done to me, that Ed Mitchell would resort to attack ads on J.J. Murphy during the run-up to the May 16 vote is silly, but makes for an interesting conflict of sorts. In 2003, Ed Mitchell told us Tom Leighton was the right man for the job of reversing Wilkes-Barre’s sagging fortunes. So how could he now try to convince us that J.J. Murphy is a putz as Tom Leighton’s right-hand man when Leighton is quickly doing exactly what Ed Mitchell told us he would do? And if Leighton failed to do what he said he could with “The Leighton Plan,” should the blame then be shifted to his immediate underling?

Wilkes-Barre is known for it’s hole in the ground. And it’s falling light poles. Tom Leighton has a plan to change all that.--2003 Tom Leighton ad produced by Ed Mitchell Communications.

In actuality, Ed Mitchell will likely be busy fending off attacks on his own candidate once it becomes public knowledge that his candidate has direct ties to the Church of Scientology. That would be the “church” founded by one L. Ron Hubbard who has been proven to be a criminal, a liar, a drug user, and a problem drinker who has managed to turn his pyramid scheme into a quasi-religion and a pseudo science for those easily duped into confusing a cult--a sect--for a legitimate ministry.

Here’s a nifty blurb:

In the materials for OT III (Operating Thetan level 3), L. Ron Hubbard writes that, 75 million years ago, the head of the Galactic Federation, made up of 76 planets, was a being named Xenu. Faced with an overpopulation problem, he brought beings to this planet, blew them up with hydrogen bombs, and packaged them. Their spirits now infest our bodies: he says "One's body is a mass of individual thetans stuck to oneself or to the body." Scientologists at this level try to rid themselves of these thetans (spirits) by helping each one to remember the painful experiences of being blown up like that.

There are other Scientology teachings that relate to space aliens. The book "Have You Lived Before This Life?", described in Scientology advertisements as "a cold-blooded account of your last years", contains dozens of case histories of memories experienced by Scientologists, some of which include adventures in outer space.

Even the glossary in Scientology's What Is Scientology? contains a definition for the phrase "space opera", which, according to Scientology, relates to periods on "the whole track" (that is, our whole history, going back through many lives and millions of years), and it contains "space travel, spaceships, spacemen" and so on.

Thetans, huh? Maybe that’s why I can’t sleep all too often. Those thetans are swirling around my bed haunting me and I’m gonna have to find a way to contact the mother ship circling overhead. Cheaper than sleeping pills? I dunno. Oh, and guess what. You have to pay sizable fees to gain access to course studies such as these in that oft ultra-secretive “church.”

Hubbard brought us Scientology and Dianetics, both of which have been debunked more times than Madonna managed to parade around in front of the cameras looking like a cheap slut. L. Ron Hubbard was a flim-flam artist--a con man--who managed to build a financial empire disguised as a church through coercive persuasion and a man who openly implored his followers to viciously attack those who recognized his self-help sham for what it was--quackery. Hubbard makes Louis Farrakhan seem sane by direct comparison.

Numerous, numerous deaths have been attributed to the Dianetics quackery. The Narconon program has been found to have no basis in scientific fact, and more often than not serves as a subliminal indoctrination of children to the “teachings” of L. Ron Hubbard. The same goes for the Criminon program instituted in various prisons across the country. It doesn’t change prisoner’s lives as much as it steers them towards scientology. What good is a pyramid scheme without recruiting new fools desperate for redemption? Give us your disturbed, your easily brainwashed and easily duped. But most of all, as with any “religion,” give us your money.

Here’s a good one. Charles Manson was once a scientologist. Imagine that. Tom Cruise and Charles Manson both have something psychotic in common. Go figure. It’s no wonder he lost his mind on Oprah--he’s into scientology. ‘Nuf said.

I guess that’s why Ed Mitchell’s newest client rarely mentions God and religion when running for public office. If I was involved in all of that borderline quackery, I’d keep it to myself., too. So, we’ll just have to wait and see who ends up going on offense, and who ends up in a defensive posture, won’t we?

Voted for many scientologists lately? No?

Me neither and I won’t start in this election cycle unless the Galactic Federation starts bombarding the adobe with pulse particle lasers.

The Thetan vote?

Stay tuned.

"Scientology is both immoral and socially obnoxious...It is corrupt, sinister and dangerous. It is corrupt because it is based on lies and deceit" --Justice Latey, ruling in the High Court of London

CYA