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On The 100th Day Of Christmas By Wes Johnson

Maybe I just am looking into the past through rose colored lenses. I remember waking extra early on a Thursday morning in November to watch the parades and gawk at the sites in New York and California. Colorful floats, loud bands, cheesy celebrities, big ass balloons. Then at the end of the parade came Santa Claus. That is when Christmas started for me.

Now it seems like labor day passes and we are getting a whiff of the festive season. At the end of October it is in building up steam. By Thanksgiving it is full steam ahead. There are more important things than thinking about Christmas shopping 3 months before a month filled with half drunken office parties and family holiday feuds. Heck instead of "Happy Halloween," they should just start saying "Happy Holidays!"

Why might this be? Probably because stores can see that they can gouge the Christmas season even more by stretching it out for a month or two more. Because we really need to make Christmas that much more commercialized. Because it is quantity not quality that makes this holiday so special.

Sure I fall into the trap of buying nice gifts for the people I care about. But it is for the reasons that I think extend outside the grand commercial scheme though up by Wall Street. I enjoy giving nice gifts because I view it as a sign of respect, love and gratitude to the people who have been very significant and continue to be in my life. Are my gifts reflective of how much I make and can spend? Sure, but it only magnifies that which I believe.

Being an atheist the religious meanings of Christmas are lost on me. But on a personal level it is a special time for me. A time to spend with family and friends. This is more special because it is one of the rare times I get a chance to spend with members of my family or some long lost friends. It seems like even the religious over-tones of the holiday are lost in this three month long orgy of commercialism. Like I said I am not religious, but I can appreciate the significance of this holiday for those who are. I guess religion is less grating than crass commercialism when you get down to it.

Why not just make it Christmas year around? I am sure malls and companies would be keen on that. Though I suppose "Christmas In July" sales would be a little cliched. Well more cliched at any rate. Of course those stupid Santa hats that people insist on wearing would be torturous during a July heat wave. Of course it would evaporate away those poor fool's half brains and be a shining example of Darwinism and irony (because of Christian views towards evolution…but that is a wholly different story).

So do we need 3 months of the Christmas season? No. Should we maybe concentrate on being with and showing love for our family and friends? Yes. Heck maybe use it as an example that we should treat people a little bit better the whole year round. But it probably means more than finding the special Diana Beeny Baby memorial stuffed toy.

On an ending note here is a touching rendition of the 100 days of Christmas (insert on the X day of Christmas my true love gave to me…it should take 8 hours to sing this ditty).


100 Beeny Babies

99 Ugly Ties

98 Bottles of Generic Cologne

97 Coffee Table Books

96 Christmas Vests

95 Demented Puppies

94 CDs you already have

93 Ancient Computer Games

92 Flashlights

91 Pairs Of Underwear

90 Checks for 5 dollars

89 Ads for Holiday Sales

88 COPS Too Hot For TV Tapes

87 Cheesy Sweaters

85 Processed Cheese Food Gift Sets

84 Bags of Un-Popped Popcorn

83 Scratchy Scarves

82 Posters of Pamela Lee Anderson

81 Hanson CDs

80 Sleep And Snore Ernies

79 Nintendo 64's

78 Wal-Mart Christmas Barbie's

77 Drunken Co-Workers

76 Telemarketing Calls

75 Inches of Snow

74 Tins of Stale Popcorn

73 Lousy Bowl Games

72 Cliché'd T-Shirts

71 Embarrassing Sexual Innuendo Presents for Spencer Gifts

70 New Christmas CD Muzak Tapes

69 More Feet Of Tacky Lighting

68 Digital Pets

67 Cristmas Cookie Cutters

66 Candles

65 Things You Have To Return

64 Lost World Videos

63 Far Side Calanders

62 Unfunny Garfield Books

61 Strips of Family Circus Cartoons

60 More over-priced Star Trek Ornaments

59 Micro Machines

58 Hyper-Violent Video Games

57 Bad Carolers

56 Annoying Atheists

55 Sleeping Pills

54 Pages of Instructions

53 Office Affairs

52 Firings

51 Layoffs

50 Annoying Santa Hats

49 Showings of It's a Wonderful Life

48 Murders

47 Suicides

46 Light Strings Burning Houses Down
45 Rude Houseguests
44 Subscriptions To Sports Illustrated
43 Football Phones That Don't Work
42 Door-To-Door Jehovah's Witnesses

41 Family Feuds

40 Upset Stomachs

39 Ruined carpets

38 Nights Of Depressed Drunkenness

37 Inches Of Snow

36 Hours of Slacking Off At Work

37 Presents To Wrap

36 Pounds Gained

35 Crying Children

34 Drunken Santa's

33 Lame Calendars

32 Special JonBennet Ramsey News Reports

31 Star Wars Action Figures

30 Lousy Movies

29 Homeless People You Could Help

28 Presents Left To Buy On Christmas Eve

27 Hours of Mannheim Steamroller Music

26 Tears Shed

25 Tons of Diapers Used By The McCaugheys

24 Degrees Blow Zero

23 Hours Taken To Find A Parking Space

22 Losses By The Nuggets

21 Degrees Below Zero

20 NFL Playoff Games

19 Broken Toys

18 Cents For A Bonus Check

17 Gift Certificates To McDonalds

16 Hookers Hooking

15 Inedible Dishes

14 Thousand Hungry Children

13 Pairs Of Underwear

12 Fiddlers Fiddling

11 Lords A Leaping

10 Ladies Dancing

09 Pipers Piping

08 Maids A Milking

07 Swans A Swimming

06 Geese A Laying

05 Golden Rings

04 Calling Birds

03 French Hens

02 Turtle Doves

01 Partridge In A Pear Tree


Copyright 1997 Wes Johnson