He was a tall, skinny man that looked like he was in his late 30’s. He looked normal except for his face. His eyes showed a debonair man that had experienced the world many times. He would have looked very sophisticated if it wasn’t for the rest of his face. His eyebrows crunched up together, so he looked like was trying to remember something he forgot. The stupid grin he wore shouted loudly I have no idea about what’s going on. Please help me! His hair was a ruffled, unruly animal trying to jump off his head. The ears on the on the side of his head were overly pointed. They never seemed to hold still, giving the impression that they were constantly wiggling. The overall look was pretty pathetic. He was trying to eat a steak dinner, but his most body wasn’t cooperating.
It was total war between the opposing factions of the body. It all started when the stomach sent a message to the brain that it was hungry. It wanted something healthy and light, but sweet. The message the brain sent back said that all they had was some leftover steak. The stomach responded by ordering the mouth to close and refuse entry to the intruders. This made the brain angry. It got an idea and with help from the arm twins launched an attack on the mouth. They savagely shoved pieces of meat into the mouth and managed to get some all the way down to the throat. Well, the mouth and throat were not going to be pushed around. Throat started retching the meat invaders up and mouth assisted with some fancy tongue work. Brain and the arm twins were getting worried so they sent ,their secret weapon, milk as backup. Milk managed to wash most of the meat past mouth and throat into stomach. Stomach wasn’t going to give up yet. It sent a message to the heart via the nervous system to cut off blood to the brain. The man fainted. Brain sent emergency signals to the arm twins. The arm twins savagely thumped on the man’s chest until the heart started up again. Being the great war strategist it was, stomach came up with another idea. It enlisted help of the pancreas and gallbladder. Together they started churning up enough acids for a quick and deadly blow to the enemy. The man threw-up. With a sigh he wiped his mouth and went upstairs to sleep.
This man was not an ordinary man. I know that everyone is supposed to be unique and special, but that’s a load of garbage. A lot of people are just plain dull and boring. They have no unusual stories, unusual talents, or unusual body parts. They make up a big, dull, uninteresting, majority of the population. In fact if you’re reading this you have a 8 out of 9 chance of being one. Everything your parents, teachers, guidance councilors, and state warded therapists told you was wrong. You are a pathetic little nobody. If you feel like continuing to read you can, but it doesn’t matter.
This man was unlucky. That was not the unordinary thing about him. Many people are born unlucky or are made unlucky from upsetting a god, getting a curse from a witch, or something like that. They learn to handle it and get on with their lives. Actually there’s not much to get on with because their lives are usually short and unhappy.
He was also a vampire. You might think this is unordinary, but it is actually very common. Vampires are everywhere. You probably know a couple; they might even be your friends. They live everywhere and work anywhere. The local gun collecting war enthusiast always preaching about preparing for total nuclear war could might be a vampire. Or the cute Girl Scout that always tries to sell you gingerbread cookies. Or the one-legged homeless man that sits in the park waving his tin cup. More often that not, it’s the Girl scout. Vampires like to be devious, who really knows what’s in those cookies?
What was special about him was that he was the most unlucky vampire and a vegetarian to boot. It was amazing that he had lived this long. Being immortal helped, but he was in extremely good shape for a person that unlucky. He had caused and lived through many of the greatest accidents of all time. The sinking of Atlantis, death of Christ, fall of the Roman Empire, holocaust, sinking of the Titanic, Watergate, Whitewater, you name it.
He was the chief of the Department of Cover-up and Denial for the United Vampire Fellowship, Sector New York, Established 1798. His job was one of the easiest in the whole world. Who would believe you if you said you just saw a vampire in New York? It was easy to fool the humans with all their misinformation and false fears.
Sometimes he would even feel ashamed for deceiving them, but then he would see another bad vampire flick and come early to work with an evil grin on his face. He would pick a random number out of the telephone book and call it. Then he would start freaking the guy out by talking in a voice that would make Satan turn pale. He would vividly describe the torture he had in mind for the guy and then hang up suddenly. After that he would hurry to the local store, buy some fake fangs with ketchup, and go to the guy’s house. He would bash down the door as loud as he could and start yelling BLOOD!!!BLOOD!!! over and over. He’d grab the guy, knock him out, and make two pricks in his neck with a needle. Then he covered the guy in ketchup and hurried back to work. After fixing himself a snack, he would tap the police phone lines and wait for the guy’s call. He would laugh uncontrollably when the guy would yell at the police officer about how he just barely survived and thought he was turning into a vampire.
This man was nicer than most people he hung around with. Of course, most of the people he handed around with were vampires. And they thought this prank was incredibly funny.