APRIL 6, 2000

     So here i am back again.

     i've been gone since Sunday, visiting with my girlfriend T, and seeing my children.  Well, my daughter anyway.  my son was m.i.a.; between work and bad weather, (neither of us having a car at our disposal) we weren't able to meet up.  We did chat on the telephone and make plans for him to come visit at some point in the hopefully-near future.  

     i miss the both of them.  In a perfect world, i would be able to bundle them up, complete with all their worldly possessions, and move them up here to be with me.  i did my best to try and talk my daughter into going to college here, but she detests the "big city".  And judging by the way she was looking at the 6'3" boy she introduced me to - i don't think i stand a chance.  

     i did have a nice visit with T.  We indulged in our usual level of naughtiness; much swilling of beer and marathon movie sessions using her new dvd player.  i don't miss watching television (it's not a household item here) as i wasn't ever the type to sit for hours in front of one, but i do miss being able to watch a movie once in awhile.  Yes, i could go out to a theatre.  But then i couldn't curl up on a comfy couch, in my nightgown, sipping a glass of wine. And snuggling with Master.

     i don't belong in my old "world" anymore.  i knew that already, in my heart.  But i needed to go back to confirm that knowledge; confirm that the "fit" wasn't there for me.  Even though i am becoming more comfortable here, not quite so overwhelmed by everything, i was feeling lonely for the familiarity of a 21 year history.  Yet when i went back to visit it, i felt displaced.

     And lonely.  Like that feeling one can get in a crowd sometimes.  Surrounded by people, yet standing alone.  Not belonging, nor wanting to belong, and remaining only to be polite. Or, as in my case, because of T and the need to see my children.

     How did this happen so quickly?  This distancing of myself from such a large part of what was my life's reality?  Maybe when i had been thinking, a few years ago, that i didn't belong there - i really didn't.  Maybe i was right even back then. It always felt like i was in limbo.  Waiting.  Waiting for something or some "thing", but not knowing what it was i was restless for.  

     So perhaps this didn't happen very quickly at all.  The timing was exactly right and i am exactly where i should be.

     i'm at home.            

shadoe