APRIL 25, 2000

     i'm having a case of the lonelies.

     i'm used to having T around, and Angel with her son,  and Fay.  Plus a garage full of  motorcycles and bikers and and all their "ole'ladies", and my kids with their teenaged friends.  And the dogs making noise and the neighbours coming over and then filling in the other times with work.   Now i just have the work.  By myself.  Which i am not used to at all.  It's a lot lonelier than i anticipated it would be, yet i look forward to the solitude so that i can write.  Sometimes my life before was so chaotic that it made me irritable.  So okay then, that part is a bit mixed up in me.

     i miss my kids.

     Master is being as tolerant as possible, which i am grateful for, especially since in the last few days i've started following Him around the house.  For years He has been content to go to His classes, meet a friend or two for tea, or go to a munch/fet night.  Mixed in with that is bicycling and work.  He also has years of living here, where His friends still are.  Still, He has been very diligent in His attempts to keep me amused.

     And it's certainly not that i don't enjoy Master's company.  Never have i shared as much of myself with someone, as i do with Him.  i am beginning to see and understand how a couple can bond, through the laughter and the tears.  i'm learning how to "have" a relationship as i shed the behaviour patterns that my parents taught me.  Yet i am worried that i will become a burden on Him, or worse, begin to bore Him.   Then i get anxious, and look for interesting topics to discuss, when in reality He probably just wants to curl up with a book and have some quiet time.  But then, He will have already been "out there" for part of His day, and satisfied some of His socializing.  

     Yesterday i putzed around the house a bit, then did some work here.  The solitude finally got to me and i decided to go for a walk.  i am not used to walking for pleasure, so i used the excuse of needing things at the drugstore.  While i was putting on my shoes i started to cry.  i just felt lost.  The feeling continued all the way to the store, and back again.  There was no one to talk to, to sightsee with or to share a bit of laughter.  i felt overwhelmed by the traffic and the street noise and the enormous homeless person who frightened me when he stopped me in the middle of the street.  

     Maybe trying to find places for a few more of my things would help.  But space is a consideration, and even when i do unwrap something, it rarely matches with anything else that is here, and i end up feeling gauche and countrified.   Yet i also have things i don't want to part with.  So what do i do with all this stuff?  Visit it in the basement once in awhile?

     i know i'll get past this eventually.  i understand that a large part of what i am feeling is probably culture shock.  i understand that it takes time to meet people.  And i also have to admit that i miss female companionship.  But the optimistic side of me is looking forward to knowing some new people and having comrades to explore the city with.  

     Maybe then i won't feel so lonely.    

        shadoe