APRIL 26, 2000
Today's a bit better. At
least the sun is shining through all this "lonely" thing; i
can't imagine what i'd be like if it were raining. And
Master's daughter is visiting, so there's a young voice around the house
for awhile. i always like that. He and i also had a bit of a
snuggle-fest, chatting away like a pair of old birds (i can feel the
smack for that one already!) huddled under the blankets. i'll get
past this. If all else fails, i can always go talk to the tenants or to
old Lucy down the street.
i wasted an entire day trying
to set up a very stubborn computer program. The only good
thing about the struggle was that i learned how to clean out my registry
without totally killing my machine. Perhaps the diversion from all
this "angst" thinking was a good thing though. The
temptation to kick the cat in frustration was a hard one to resist (no i
wouldn't really do that!).
It's a skitzy day and my
mind isn't focusing. So i'm posting another email i sent to
Master, from the email series i started a few months ago.
(Hopefully i haven't already posted this one ... sometimes i have
trouble remembering)
18/12/98
..and again..
some of the things i have jotted down.. just as the day
progresses
my daughter came in from school early today.. full of stories..
she has to make a dress.. for drama
class.... she has a rather large part in a play as well and
wants me to coach her.. *lol.... silly girl*
but it took me back to when i was her age.. and some of the
things that i experienced.. in home economics i had to make a
skirt.. and being the ambitious soul that i am .. hindsight,
whatever was i thinking?.. i decided to make a pleated skirt of
black watch plaid.. which is the family tartan..my one great aunt
offered to help me as she was a very good seamstress..
but what a taskmaster!!.. it took forever to do this skirt.. it
was long..to the floor.. and making the pleats oh gawd.. and then
i think i put the zipper in three times before i got it right..
she only got cross with me once though ..
i was so proud of myself over that skirt.. and i handed it in..
i got a passing grade... but just barely... and a note added on
beside the mark.."and you did this yourself????"... i
was devastated.. the skirt really was good.. my aunt would not
have let me out of the house with less.. this teacher not only
implied that i was lying, she made me feel incompetent.. and of
course nothing my aunt or my mother said to me convinced me that
perhaps the teacher was wrong.. she was my teacher.. i believed
her..
and You know.. i never once wore that skirt..
and then i go back to thinking about how my mother was so much
of a perfectionist.. i would clean.. she would say it wasn't good
enough.. she would move a freshly dusted ashtray over an inch and
give me hell for not putting it where it should have been.. she
would refold laundry.. she still does that to me!! her sister
would lecture me on the proper way to do laundry.. they would come
as a team to my apartment and inspect.. god my first husband used
to run his finger over the tops of doors to see if i had cleaned
there..
i am laughing here.. this is nuts!
maybe i was just raised during an era where women could only
prove their worth by being perfect?? and the pressure of it just
caused me to start believing i am not good enough.. when in fact..
they are the ones that were wrong..
or maybe they were right in their existence.. but i don't have
to make it mine..
i cant stop laughing
maybe i am hanging onto a whole lot of nonsense about my
upbringing.. that i need to open up just so i can trash it and get
on with things.. instead of feeling weighted down.. and tragic..
just pull it out.. pick it apart..and toss it..
i mean there are some aspects..sure.. abuse was very much a big
part of the picture.. and that is one thing..
but some of it.. why am i keeping it.. ??
..back to thinking..
janine
shadoe
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