May 20, 2000

     (Warning:  Do not try this at home if you have any self-esteem problems!)

     Mirrors are not always friendly.  Especially if you have any issues with the aging process.  And especially if the mirror is one of those small hand held types, lying flat on a table, and you look down into it.  i tried it.  It was devastating.  The skin on my face kind of ... well ... fell forward.  It puckered around my eyes and drooped from each side of my mouth.  i swear it!  i couldn't lift my head quick enough and then i went immediately to the mirror on the wall to make sure i hadn't stayed that way.  

     Do i sound vain?  i'm not really.  It's just that i realized my birthday is only a few months away now, at which point i'll be starting my forty-fourth year.  i shouldn't look at it that way as it's really my 43rd birthday, but as of 11:25 that night, i'll be officially getting closer to 44.  Why do i do this to myself?  

     And now i spend all my time trying to keep my chin up.  

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     "The project" seems to have found it's way to a back burner lately.  i haven't forgotten it, but i've been so busy doing other things that when i do have a few moments for it, i find i can't get my head into the space needed to work on it.  i console myself with the fact that at least i am still writing here, but soon i need to get back to the real work.  

     One of the recommendations i found in a "how-to" book, was to do a lot of reading.  i understand the concept, but sometimes it works against me.  i get bogged down by the idea that i won't ever be as good as the author that i am reading.  i find myself doing that with other journals as well.  i'll do a post here, upload it, then indulge in some time spent reading the journals that i like.  Invariably everyone else seems so much wittier, or smarter or well written and i start to doubt myself again.  

     Sometimes i feel like a hamster in a cage, running on one of those wheel-type toys they have.  Running and running and running and never getting to the end.  Making progress, yet not getting where i need to be, all at the same time.       

                      shadoe