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please, Sir
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| yesterday:
previous posts ... small thing, big impact: when i returned home tonight, my cat was waiting for me, sound asleep on my bed ... small thing to some people perhaps, but in these changing days of mine, i found it comforting me: this is
actually my webpage, which will need to be worked on as well, especially since i am making
life-changes |
... later... i don't think i will ever understand where the need comes from, to be flogged, or caned, or spanked. And all the rest of the good things that my girlfriend just doesn't understand, no matter how hard she tries. i am not sure i even really want to. i mean, why bother trying to dissect to death, something that you really like to do? And i really do like it. This scares me sometimes as i wonder when a limit is going to kick in, and then worrying when it doesn't. Which causes me to wonder just how far i am willing to go. Last night, while i was floating along in that delicious space only Master seems able to take me to, i found myself craving to be flogged on my back. And my hair pulled. i didn't say it out loud, but my body was screaming inside for it. i wanted to feel the pain/pleasure on my back, i wanted to feel His hands hard against me, pushing my limits. i should have told Him, but trying to articulate anything at that moment was tenuous at best. When He used His knives, the other night, i received the tiniest of scratches. In fact, i didn't notice it until it reddened slightly during my shower the next day. And i was so proud of it! i liked the idea of being marked this way. i don't know how i would have felt had i done any bleeding of course, but the point is, i guess i am trying to figure out where my head is at about all this. Society says it is wrong, and i think it is terrific. It makes me happy, i trust that it pleases Master, and therefore, it is right for us. Then why does it sometimes feel like it is "bigger" than me? Why does it seem like my cravings are stronger than my will? Or is it because i am trying to second guess what i feel is right for me to do, afraid that i might know what i am doing for a change? i keep drifting back to it, to the need to feel my back flogged. Some little button in my head needs to be pushed into that place where i will feel like i am being totally owned, and forced to do another's will. And yes, i know that in the end, it is because i want to do exactly as expected of me, all the time. i guess i just like being reminded. ... shadoe October 27/99
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..still packing, but some of the boxes are
moved now ... such a weird sensation that was!