... life goes on ...
i found myself reaching for the telephone several times today, to call my mother. What a horrible feeling that was. And as i drove to work this morning, seeing the trees in full bloom autumn colours, and the hazy mist rising from the water, i thought of her and how this was her favourite time of year.
i am wrestling with the angst of the past she and i shared, and with the affection i still have for her. i am finding it very difficult to find a balance. Hopefully the passage of time will help me to sort through it all.
So many changes are happening in my life. It makes me feel a bit unsettled and anxious, but also lighter and more optimistic than i have been in a very long time. In a way, having my mother gone has relieved the pressure of worrying about whether she would approve of my actions or not. It seems i never have gotten past the need to have her okay on the things i did or do in life and this annoys me to a certain extent. But then, on the other hand, maybe it was alright for me to care about what she thought of me. i think i just went too far, allowing her opinions to influence decisions that might have been better for me.
And maybe all this waffling about of my thoughts is just part of the grieving process. Or i just think too much :)
i spent part of my evening being ruthless with the cleaning out of my closet and dresser. i am very definitely in the frame of mind for doing that. Anything and everything that has not been worn in even the past 9 months has been tossed into a bag, which will be picked over by the Domme daughter and my girlfriend, then will make its way to the local second-hand clothing store. i even peeked into some of the cupboards in the back room, thinking i should sort through some of the kitchen-type things in there as well, but i had run out of energy. Work has been an absolute nightmare since i returned from the funeral and spending time with Master. It will take a bit of time to get things sorted through and back to normal. But i also want to continue my quest of down-sizing household items here, to a more manageable level.
i just find it curious that i have more "things" than clothing. Aren't women supposed to have tons of clothes? And as i weeded through what clothing i do have, i noticed that a lot had actually been given to me by my mother. Is getting rid of them another type of closure? Or am i thinking too much again?
Master and i stayed in the most wonderful old house, which has been converted into a bed and breakfast, when we went to my hometown for the funeral. i was absolutely charmed by it all, beginning with my excitement upon discovering that this was the very house i used to have teenage dreams about. It is situated in front of the highschool i attended and has a stone wall completely surrounding the grounds. my girlfriends and i would perch upon this wall and flirt with the boys, every day during lunch break. We would also try to imagine what the house was really like, and what sorts of things went on inside it. So when Master pulled into the driveway that night, i was more than just a little bit excited. i think my voice rose more than a few octaves when i squealed; "oh my god, it is this house?"
i loved it. i loved the chandeliers and the wide curving staircase and the hardwood flooring, the dining room with the walls covered by tapestry paper, and the small fireplace tucked into one corner. i loved the tiny bedroom with the rose chintz wallpaper and tall bureau. i was even charmed by the short jaunt that was necessary to get to the large shared washroom, complete with a toilet which had a button on it that said "push", in order for it to flush. There were back stairs and levels to other floors and a large set of doors overlooking the street, and from the sunroom downstairs, placed just off the dining room, i was able to enjoy the view of a lovely garden.
But best of all was the gentle start of the day with Master, enjoying breakfast and a large pot of tea, while indulging in my first glimpse of Him in a suit. And somehow the solemnity of the day was eased just a bit.
My childhood friends would have been so envious :)