MARCH 21, 2000

     Master says that it seems i am censoring myself in here lately.  i don't know if it is that so much as not taking the time to truly concentrate on how i feel about things, then express them in words.  i am not setting aside the time needed to "dig" into myself.  And i know that i have to start doing this again.  i feel better when i do.

     i finally made the invoice for the work i did on a webpage.  It was an interesting experience to say the least, as i had never created one from Microsoft Excel before.  i am used to a preprinted form that i merely typed the information onto, for someone else.  But at least now i know another feature of the program, which will be useful later on.  i think.

     i agonized over how the invoice should look.  What logo icon and business name and such.  Master finally said; "The important thing is sending the invoice, not how it looks."  i know.  He's right.  But i pointed out to Him that this might be the only invoice i ever send out for myself, during my lifetime ... so of course it had to look right!

     The deed is done.  i put an amount, a very brief description, and emailed it off to the still-waiting victim.  And firmly shoved the thought that i am not worth that much money, into the back of my brain.  Well perhaps not quite to the back, as i am writing about it here, therefore still stewing about it.

     And next month my short story is to be published in an ezine.  How come i don't see my work like other's seem to?  It feels like things move forward without me, and i am left behind, puzzled and overwhelmed.  i go back to the webpage site, i reread the story, yet i don't see what they are telling me.  Maybe that's just how it will always be.  Maybe that's how it should be.  

     And maybe i just try to pick things to death.  Which causes me to censor myself, as Master suggested.

**********

          Yesterday a lovely artist friend, who also made my waist cinchers for me, had me pose in said cinchers for some sketches she wanted to do.  It was an absolutely fun afternoon!  When i first arrived at her studio, we shared some gossip while she moved items here and there, getting ready.  We also shared a tin of mushroom soup, which is something high on my list of favourites but isn't found in this house.   i suppose i should take her suggestion and just go buy some for myself.  

     Before we settled into the sketching session, we walked to the nearby store and purchased some milk for latte (hers) and tea (me).  And a bag of regular ruffles potato chips to satisfy the salt cravings.  Back at the studio, i undressed, put on a thong and sipped tea while being laced into the cincher.  My friend shyly asked me if i minded removing my bra, so off it went as well.  Getting me to remove the thong would have been a bit harder.  i guess there is a bit of the prude in me after all.

     "Posing" was a strange, yet pleasant, experience.  i thought i would be a lot more self conscious than i was.  Perhaps my ease was because she kept up a continuous flow of conversation about everything but what was actually happening.  Or maybe it was easier because this woman is a genuinely likeable person, whom i care about.  Whatever the reason, as she displayed her work to me at the end of each brief session, i was constantly amazed and pleased at what she was doing!   i felt like a child looking at a photograph for the very first time and saying "hey! that's me!"

     The last sketch that she did was of my face only.  By now the day had crept slowly by, and Master had arrived to take me home.  But He sat quietly, patiently waiting and sipping His own cup of tea, as she pulled a chair closer to me, picked up a smaller pad of paper and, cheerfully singing along with the ZZ Top songs playing on the radio, began to draw.  She was incredibly fun to watch and i had to struggle not to move my lips in a smile as she bubbled along.  

     When satisfied with her work, she turned the pad toward me so that i could see what she had done.  And what i saw was indeed me... a very realistic image of what i see in the mirror each day.   But i also saw my mother.  And it felt like one of those moments when you could swear your body ... stopped.

     She has promised to scan the picture for me, and when she does i shall post it here.  i was fascinated by it.  i was fascinated by her and her talent.  And the next time we get together, not only do i get to pose, but i get to indulge in a long hot bath in her tub.  At just the right "bath moment" of course :)

           shadoe