i do find it a bit disconcerting to be sitting here writing while Master is about two feet away, working on His own machine.  i'm hoping this text is small enough that He can't read it until i have finished and uploaded.   From some very odd reason, i never like to be around when He is reading my words.  

     i also spent some time going back down memory lane, reading some of the emails that i have sent Master over the last year, again.   i found one from just before last christmas, which gave me pause for thought, and i have decided that even though it goes out of order somewhat, it is the one i wanted to share today. 

15/12/98

i have been trying to figure out why i dont really care for the holiday

season that much... i suppose part of it is because i prefer to give a gift

more spontaneously.. and all the commercialism of the season i find irritating

and the crowds.. *sigh*.. give me a little curio shop in an obscure

town..and i will spend hours.. but a mall full of people?? ick

i started thinking of what it was like when i was a child at christmas.. i

remember the first house my parents bought.. a small two bedroom wartime..

they were in one room and we were in the other.. my two brothers and i..

later on..they added another room because my sister came along..

we used to be locked into the room.. with a hook and eye.. i was

responsible for making sure my brother didnt get it undone.. and i remember

my mother sneaking in and placing stocking stuffers at the foot of each

bed.. one year got myself into way too much trouble cause i woke up my

brothers and we opened things up right away...

my mother was always angry at christmas it seemed.. dad had his own

business.. and so christmas eve day.. customers would show up for some

christmas cheer.. dad would end up gassed and pass out in a chair

somewhere.. and mom would be really ticked.. which always carried over to

the next morning.. and she never seemed "satisfied".. with the

holidays..with the gift she received..

i remember one year thinking it was way too funny..and my older brother and

i giggling about it.. course we got into trouble again for that

christmas morning wasnt usually too bad though.. although we were expected

to sit quietly and mom would hand out the gifts.. one by one.. then when we

were finished..we had to get dressed and ready for whomever showed up

and then the rest of the day and usually on to the next..would be their

friends showing up..and lots of drinking ..and etc.. pots of drinking

and i would be responsible for making sure that the visiting kids didnt

break or touch things.. and watch my younger brother and sister..

it just seems that as far back as i can remember.. i was always given the

responsibility of taking care of things..

and now.. when i think i should be.. i should be more enthusiastic about

planning a holiday and making special.. i dont want to be at all.. i would

rather just not do it..

and then i feel guilty...

as she gets older.. that i didnt take the time to care.. when in fact it

isnt that at all.. there just isnt a whole lot of pleasure in it for me..

maybe the day will come that i like it.. when i can visit one of my

children's homes and enjoy it in their environment..

just todays' thoughts

     Funny how in retrospect, when i wrote the other day about christmas, and about the ones i remember as a child now, i focused more on the later years with my parents, when it was better.  Instead of the early years, which i was obviously recalling last year.  It was my mother's last christmas, so perhaps that affected my mood.  Or maybe it is just how the grieving process works itself out.  i don't know.  Maybe i have just grown enough in the past year, to allow myself the luxury of giving up some of the leftovers of my childhood.

... shadoe

... back to the beginning