yesterday: previous posts ...

tomorrow: future musings ...

me: this is actually my webpage, which will need to be worked on as well, especially since i am making life-changes

email: yes, please :)

... kind of in a pacing mood today ... things are moving too slowly right now ... my decisions are sorted out and comfortable in my mind, so i want to get started on acting upon them!

     At the first play party i ever attended (it was november 22 of last year ... and Master wore His kilt *eg*) i remember being incredibly nervous. It was most apparent, and as Master pulled me out from hiding behind Him, He commented; "there are no corners here". i took heart in the fact that most people were busy with their partners, and not paying any attention to me at all. That did help ease my tension. i chuckle at myself now as i recall how risque i thought i was being, wearing a black lace top with my bra peeking through. The rest of me was fully covered in leather skirt and vest. And the short scene that Master shared with me was done away from the center of the activities, in a more private space.

     Yet, almost a full year later, i find myself standing in the center of a large room, my arms raised and hands grasping onto two lengths of red rope hanging above my head. i am wearing only a scanty bra, thong, stockings and waist-cincher. Some twentyfive or so people are sitting in a circle around me and all eyes are on both Master and myself, as He demonstrates various flogging techniques on my body. i have floated off somewhere in that lovely space in my head, my earlier nervousness totally dispelled by His touch.

     Even now, as i recall that day, i am amazed at how much i have changed. Where once i would have indulged in the security of my safe zones, now i am finding i don't need those same zones as often. i do still like my corners, and tend to gravitate toward them if given the opportunity. But i am not so worried about leaving them once in awhile, or worried about inviting someone in. i think i shall always have a reclusive sort of nature, quiet and preferring to see rather than be seen. Which i also think is a nice foil for Master's more gregarious and sociable nature.

     But i have changed. That day, as i thanked Master for helping me to push this public limit, i think it became even clearer to me just how much. And emphasized just how well He knows me, as He understands exactly what i need and guides me gently in the directions i know i want to go. How lucky i am :)

     Later on, i was able to watch Master continue the demonstration on other submissives, and see how He "works" a crowd. i am not sure which was more fun; the reactions of the "audience" as He would be, at one moment, ever so serious, then delightfully witty the next, or the way His body moved as He wielded a flogger. And then again, watching the way His eyes would light up as people presented their personal toys to Him for inspection. i shiver even now as i recall a flogger that i found especially appealing. Just seeing it in His hands raised my level of desire up many, many notches!

     It was a lovely day to share with Him. i learned some things about myself, and formed some opinions on what i consider to be proper etiquette in these types of social situations. i didn't "fence sit" like i usually do, and go with what someone else's opinion might be. i felt good about that. Master and i shared something new (for me anyway) together, and we spent great lengths of time discussing the day and our reactions to all of the aspects of it. i hollered a bit about thongs and person-specific toys and He howled in laughter at me :) He learned i really do have a wee bit of a temper. Yet also knew i wasn't directing anything at Him. Just venting. i learned i can trust Him to understand that part of me.

     i feel like i am opening up inside. That i'm not so "closed" anymore. This is a good, good thing :)

... shadoe

November 24/99