rainy Mondays ...
i left work early today. i don't know if it is because it is a rainy Monday, or because i have lots of issues on my mind, or if it was merely because my eyes are scratchy and my nose is stuffy. But i couldn't stay there in a room with no windows. i needed some freedom.
Or maybe i just needed the half hour nap that i took when i returned home.
Whatever the reason, i do feel a bit better now, although i have found it necessary to bundle up in fuzzy slippers and sweaters. It is getting closer to the "comfort season", or at least that is what i call it when i can feel fall, then winter approaching. i define comfort as hot bowls of thick soup and lots of blankets. Well, and someone to share the blankets and soup with. my idea of winter sports is a good snuggle with the significant other, occasionally peeking out the window and grimacing at the snow. But why do i just *know* Master is going to have me outside in heavy coat and boots ... walking in it?
He calls me His slut. The first time i heard it from Him i lost my breath. i should explain though, that this is reserved for only certain times, and it is not said in a derogatory manner. In fact, it is said so erotically, that even now as i think about it, my mind goes to where we usually are as i listen to His voice in my ear.
But i struggled the first time, with accepting this word said to, and about, me. It did not rest easy at all. It went against everything i believed in. It went against everything i have struggled to be. i was taught that a slut was a dirty, cheap woman, not worthy of anyone's compassion. i have never allowed anyone to say it to me, not even in play. i remember pushing a partner rather violently out of my bed one time, for trying to "talk dirty" to me. And yet, deep down inside, i know my biggest fear has been that i might not be the lady my parents told me i should be.
i received such mixed signals from my parents. Be a lady, my mother said, but be a whore in the bedroom. Be a lady, my father said, but know that what you have between your legs can get you whatever you want. And if i behaved lady-like in front of my mother, yet listened to her descriptions of her love life, i made her happy. And if i behaved lady-like in front of my father, yet let him touch me, with his "I am just curious" ways, then i made him happy. So i usually got what i wanted. i cried a lot.
i haven't a clue where i am going with this. i guess it is just that i feel like there is this tightly leashed, extremely wanton woman inside me, that needs to get out. Yet there is also a woman who needs to be able to hold her head up in public and be proud. Not be looked down upon as a whore or a slut or whatever the term of the day might be. And yet, what is wrong with being sexual? If there is nothing wrong with it, why am i constantly startled when people express interest in me that way? Yet, i also get discouraged when people dont wish to know me any other way, but sexually. Do i sound confused!!?? Heh!.. and i sit here grinning at myself as i babble on. :)
Maybe what is confusing me is that it has only been a good feeling (apart from that first time when i lost my breath) acknowledging that i am His slut. Perhaps i am in this quandry because of how very submissive and owned i feel when hearing it. And then again, the way it is said, the tone He uses, is not abusive or derogatory. All i know is i like it.
Admitting that is a big step for me.