Budgets *ack*
as i sort through and organize bits
of my life, i find notes i have jotted down and stuffed into my purse, or typed on the
computer and emailed to myself, from work. i write these things down in the hopes of
not forgetting an idea or thought that i have during the day, which can be entered
in the journal. Today i found in the hotmail addy: "He taught me to
please myself". And that is so true. i am referring to Master of
course. i am not sure yet if i can actually explain what i mean, but i understand
it, so i guess that's okay. See? Now i have just pleased myself by accepting
my own concept and not worried (like i used to) about what someone else might think.
i did an exercise in budgeting today. i
haven't a clue what life is going to toss at me next so i thought perhaps i should have a
clearer idea of what it might cost me to be living alone. i said to Master, and i
will say it again ... i am going to starve! i calculated a guess-timate of what i
think expenses might be and at the end of the list i had about $100.00 left over.
Maybe.
Starting with rent, then insurance for
furniture contents and vehicle, and gas, i added food, phone, cable modem (please don't
make me give up that modem!) and my trips to the "big city". Then i
remembered i have the R.R.S.P. contributions and my life insurance to pay. Shoot.
Again, as i said to Master, (being the incurable optimist i seem to be) i looked on
the upside and decided if i am going to starve, then at least i lose the pounds i wish
were already gone. There is one snag however. i won't be able to afford the
"skinny" clothes.
i am carefully avoiding confronting the one
fear that is right up front and center in my mind, and that is how do i take care of all
this as i get older? Master and i had chatted one time about "regrets". i
had commented about something, starting the sentence with "i regret not doing....
" And as i think of taking care of myself now, i find it necessary to add the
fact that i never have had a savings plan, as one of my regrets. i blithely ignored
all that advice from my father, and all the numerous written articles on the topic that
are out there to read. i guess i had one of those "it wont happen to me"
attitudes. And now here i am, and it is becoming a potential reality, and i am
actually the one setting myself up to having to deal with it.
my mother always did say i was a late bloomer
:(
Maybe now might be a good time to get started on
teaching my daughter about all this life stuff, and hope she listens.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
i never forget the
"balance" that Master and i have. It doesn't seem to matter what we are
doing, be it shopping or cleaning or much rearranging of furniture. i test the
waters carefully as we venture into unexplored territories, and He responds just as
carefully, but with a decisiveness i have grown accustomed to obeying. i find it
difficult to explain how comfortable i am with that word ... obey. Quite frankly,
people who know me are incredulously disbelieving when confronted with the idea of me
obeying anyone. What they still don't understand is the fact that the "brash
and sassy" me, of the past, was only a front that i could hide behind. On the
surface i was always able to bluff my way into convincing people i was tough and
"in charge". And this toughness would only surface from time to time,
usually with the help of a bit of liquid bravado. The majority of the time i was
painfully quiet. In reality i was continuously scared, and lonely. i
frequently felt out of control, and did not have the skills i needed to make the best
choices for myself. i feel now i am being taught this.
It is like a slate being wiped clean, to be
used anew, for fresh, more relevant material. Digging around in my past left me
emotionally exhausted most of the time, but now finally, i am able to step back and allow
some of the history to settle into a niche, where i don't have to concern myself about as
much anymore. And some nicer memories are beginning to peek through. Today, on
the way home, i was listening to the radio and some more millenium speculations.
Suddenly i found myself remembering being in perhaps grade 6 or 7, and some of my friends
and i pondering what we would be doing in the year 2000. We had all concluded we
would be terribly old at the ripening age of 43! i do remember knowing that i would
have children though. i don't know how i was so sure of that fact, but i was.
i never imagined being married twice, or having traveled to any foreign countries, or
losing my parents at such young ages. Or to having a Master :)
Nonetheless, it was nice to have a pleasant memory bring a smile to my lips and lighten my spirit. i guess i really have changed a lot in these past months. i look forward to more.