"Sometimes you can control what's around you,
and sometimes the best you can do
is act in spite of it."
A submissive girlfriend and i spend some time during our respective working hours sending emails to each other. We get into some rather interesting topics from time to time, and i can only hope that the "higher ups" never decide to read any of them. A recent thread was her expression of being restless lately, and how perhaps she should make herself available to whomever, at a play party. To rid herself of some angst. i teasingly replied that sometimes a "night out in dadungeon" can be very cleansing... errr therapeutic... ummm.. uplifting? She enjoyed a chuckle, but then sent me this more serious reply:
"before your party I was a bundle of nerves, tension, baggage and unfullfillment. But for almost 2 weeks after that party I was more relaxed and happier than I remember being in a long time. After my scene I was on such an emotion, mental and physical high...it was as if this burden or huge heavy rock I was carrying around inside me was gone."
i understand completely what she means.
Maybe it is that wanton, slut-like person that i mentioned the other day, that causes me to experience a similar buildup inside, very much like my friend describes. Or just a part of my personality that i control too deeply. And sometimes i find it all rather startling.
How can i explain the real "need" to feel my back being roughly pushed against a wall? Or my begging "harder, please harder" when being flogged? i crave to be handled harshly, my hair pulled and my hands tied. i find it erotic to be tied spread-eagle to a bed, totally defenseless against anything that might be done to me.
But i think it goes deeper than that. Before, when i could feel the building of anxieties within me, i would reach for a beer to try to drown them. Or i became argumentative, and verbally abusive, and usually ended up in tears. Sometimes i had temper tantrums. i didn't have an effective and more therapeutic way of out-sourcing what i was feeling. So i turned to self-destructive patterns, which ultimately affected others around me as well.
There is another side of me however. i struggle to describe her, but it seems she is a baser, more aggressive and yet more pliable, person. She is the person who, while being held against a wall, needs to push back and bite and try to escape, but would be disappointed if she actually succeeded. She is the person who is brash and flippant and her soul screams; "yeah?.. well make me!" She is the woman who needs to throw a temper tantrum and to fight back and struggle against someone holding her down, physically and emotionally, yet knowing that this person holding her has the control she needs. And she is the person who also feels the most cleansed after receiving the therapy of a scene.
Somewhere deep in my psyche, i can almost feel the trigger of a switch as the calm descends.
i think this person, the inside me, is the person who trusts Master the most.
i trust Him to know when i need to vent my demons. i trust Him to know when i just need cuddling. i trust Him to guide me back to the place i should be, when i slip and feel the inner turmoil building. i also understand how much i am asking of Him to do this; how much responsibility i am placing on Him. How hard He must find it at times. And because of all this, i pay more attention to His needs. i look outside of myself, to Him and i learn from doing this. i learn what it is like to really trust someone, unconditionally. An experience i have never had before and one that is at the same time both daunting, and fascinating.
i smile now as i remember a moment a day or so ago, while i was on the telephone, and Master could hear my voice rising. He glanced over, held up a finger, then pressing it to His lips, gave me a stern yet compassionate look. This is a small example, but a valid one nonetheless, of what i am trying to explain. It's also part of how our D/s relationship overlaps into the part of our life that, out of necessity, must be vanilla.
And again i begin with one idea or thought, and float off into another. i start out trying to describe a demon that lives in me, and end by showing that the demon likes to be tamed.
Sometimes i confuse me :)