"We all live under the same sky,
but we don't all have the same horizon."
i think it is good that i found this particular quote today. A very lovely lady in the "big city", that i know, has finally posted her own on-line journal and i have become an avid reader. However, she is incredibly good at writing as well, and i have been feeling the twinges of insecurity about my journal because of this. i don't consider myself a writer, although i do know i am not totally terrible at it. But i certainly don't feel my abilities are of the same high caliber as hers, which has caused the old, familiar, feeling of incompetence in me. i have been struggling to wrestle that feeling back out of my head. The above quote seems to be helping.
i did go back to the very beginning of my journal and reread all the posts. i actually surprised myself with the number of entries i have done. And as i sit here still thinking and digesting how i felt while reading, i am coming to the conclusion that, while the words may not be "literary" correct, i am feeling satisfied with the messages conveyed. Not so much that i intended to be preachy or anything (a few of the posts seemed that way to me), but more i think that i needed to just get "me" out in the open. In a very bizarre way, several times i found myself saying; "who is this woman that just described her pain that well?" i guess i am just used to sitting back and dissecting others, rather than myself. Doing it to "me" is a bit disconcerting.
So, this journal may not make the grade for technical quality, but it is still good. And it is good because it is "me". Right?
Spending the weekend at home is pretty strange. i have been wandering about, wondering what to do with myself, hearing Master's words in my ear, to be busy and productive. This is the most productive thing i have done so far. And i am still in my robe while writing.
The hubster started the weekend for me, by showing up at work to take me out for lunch. We had a pleasant hour of him drooling over the boss' 1965 Chevy sport, and then giving me a detailed description of the latest events in his love life. Now correct me if i am wrong about finding it a bit bizarre to be sitting with one's husband discussing his feelings about his girlfriend. And my being solicitous about it all, trying to offer helpful ideas on things, without really interfering. That was the hard part; trying to remain impartial. Especially when i can see him repeating the same patterns he has had with me. Patterns that were obviously unsuccessful.
Yet he is so sincere and earnest in his thinking, it is just really hard to toss in the negative opinions that i have about how he is handling things with the gf. i mean, i still like the guy. Even when he is a total knob and being insufferably young and spoiled. But he has a "heart of gold" and is gentle and kind almost to a fault. He gets hurt much too easily because of that.
See, there i go again, pulling out my mom instinct with him. Which has been a major part of the problem i have had with the marriage to begin with. i guess i just prefer to feel more like a "woman" than a "mother", with a partner. And i have always felt the burden of his dependency, which isn't entirely his fault, as i did enable it. Just that once i realized what i had done, it was too late for things to change. It left me feeling empty and unhappy.
Is this yet another indication that although i can be "in charge", i am not dominant natured? The guys at work might argue this point, but my inside feelings don't. :)
i am just now rewinding the tape on the answering machine as i hear the voice of my mother-in-law leaving yet another message for the hubster. Again in French, which she knows i don't have a good understanding of. Which she has started doing since learning that hubster and i have chosen to follow separate paths in life.
*sigh*
Off to have a shower and attempt to get something done.