"The unexamined life

is not worth living"

- Socrates

        i feel i have been gone so long that i don't know where to begin anymore.  So much goes on these days for me, that i find myself wishing the day had more hours.  The new job keeps me busy, and visiting with mom, and seeing Master as often as possible.   And yes, it is Master now, instead of Sir and i am still finding it all a bit overwhelming although i am amazed at how calm i feel inside.

        Last week i finally met some friends from the internet chat room i frequent, that i had been wanting to meet for some time.   i still have to process and write about our visit and revisit in my mind how nice it all was.  But one thing we did do was indulge in a play party on the saturday night, and i was incredibly pleased to have many of the people i have already met over the past few months, attend.  i truly enjoyed watching how all the different personalities blended, and the obvious pleasure at meeting each other. 

        i was generously loaned the use of a cross for this party, and we had set up a "scening" room upstairs.  Now.. i want to get into more of my memories of the party... but it seems i have a need to express what i learned that night, while i was being treated with my first taste of a whip, used on me by another Dominant, while Master watched.  With permission from that Dominant, the following is a letter of thanks that i sent to Him.

Dear Sir N;

i have been mulling my thoughts and feelings about in my mind for a few days now, about how to properly thank You for all Your kindness at the party on saturday. It was indeed a treat for me to know and understand the power of You and Your whip. i decided just being myself and offering the words of how i felt inside about the experience, might be what You would enjoy.

as i am sure You have noticed before.. and well i suppose everyone else has noticed too.. i was and still am, absolutely fascinated by that whip. i liked the feel of it when You allowed me to touch it at that play party in kitchener. i loved the sound of it snapping!.. and i very very much enjoy watching Your body movements as You work with it. It seems as though it becomes an extension of You, taking on Your own "whip-like" personality.. and i assure You Sir, i mean that as a compliment completely!

Until saturday, i had never totally understood the connection that the mind and the body can have to the sounds .. the sharp snapping and popping so close to one's ear .. how intense it could be! a very simplistic comparison that goes through my mind is that it is like going to the fair... you get on the ride, carrying the butterflies of nervousness with you.. now you know on every intellectual level.. that the "ride" is not going to really hurt you, not in a negative way.. but still.. taking the ride scares the dickens out of you anyway.. and it is sooo delicious!.. soooo erotic... it just makes me want to buy another ticket and get on again :)

there was more than just the sounds however, and i discussed this last night with Master. i hope i can find the correct words to explain it to You as well, Sir.

Master and i have been working very hard on several personal issues of mine, and there were many times that i cried so hard as i expressed, then learned how to let go of, various bits and pieces of baggage. A large issue for me has always been trust ... and i have come to realize that it has been myself that i trust the least.. .. i dont wish to go into lengthy details.. (that would come under the "way too much information" catagory *g*).. but i always had this idea that good things leave me..

so i have been afraid to address what has been in my heart.. and that is that Sir is in fact, Master. i was afraid to say it to Him, although He had just begun lately to subtly bring it into the open a bit.. but i was also frightened of taking that last step .. which would be my openly acknowledging Him as Master... somewhere in my head i had the idea that if i didnt say it out loud, only hinted at a whisper of it.. then i still had a safe place to go to if things went wrong.

and this is what i need to thank You the most for Sir.. You brought me to the edge of that fear.. and pushed, nudged, encouraged, me over it.. .. i still hear Your voice strongly suggesting that i thank my Master... then Your insistence of "louder"... i wish that i could find the descriptive words to express what i felt at that moment.. but i assure You it was most overwhelming.. .. and i have felt such a calmness since.

another thing that i shared with Master last night, was the fact that there has always been a need in me to have Your approval. i cannot explain why other than i admire and respect You, as a Man and as a Dominant. perhaps it is because i have always felt that i could trust You easily. Whatever it is... i find myself "paying attention" when You are about.. and a bit frustrated when i feel i havent lived up to Your standards of how a submissive should behave in public. Again,,, none of this is negative, in fact, it has caused me to push myself a bit more, enjoying the challenge of that *g*

so Sir.. i have gone off and gotten long winded.. i do believe this is the longest thank You note i have every written :)

but i truly truly thank You Sir.. and i thought perhaps sharing with You how You touch another person's life.. would be pleasing for You

please take care :)

janine


        And so there is a small part of what i learned and experienced.  i am still processing it in my mind, and smiling a lot as well. 

        And it also explains a tiny bit of how "Sir" is now Master :)