The Assinine Age

LKiller007 suggested "The (Failed) Wise Ass Attack" for this week's age. That has a nice beat, and if I could dance, I could dance to it; but it didn't really seem much of an attack. Now, the "Duchovny Attack" or "The Files of the Obsessed" works a little better, but then I'd have to pretend I know what X-Files is. (Try again, Jaime.) I thought we needed an Age that was more inclusive, and so there we have it. And, yes, I know it's spelled wrong.

First some winners of 10 tokens. You know, SoupEater's first post reminds me of the kind of post which used to win a lot -- long and rambling, yet ends in something that resembles a punchline. It's like Pavlov's dog, anytime I hear the rimshot, I hand over tokens. It's conditioning, I can't help myself.

Subject: Re: Mount Vernon
From: SoupEater
I once knew guy named Andrew Vernon. Apparently, they tell me, he would rub his little thingy on his carpet know. And because of this there was a sort of crust all over his carpet. Not just in spots, but almost all over. A person could probably have gotten pregnant just by sitting on that carpet, even if she was wearing clothing. Those of us who were in on the joke often joked about how we were going to bottle it up, and sell it as a product called Liquid Vernon. Liquid Vernon could be used to lubricate engines, as a pure protein drink for track runners (such as Vernon was), or for the purposes of getting pregnant. This spawned (Hehehe) products such as Solid Vernon odorant and Spray (Vern)on odorant. Those of us in on the joke would often pass in the halls saying things like "Viva Liquid Vernon!" Anyway, the real point of this post is that my cat is doing the cutest little thing right now. Oh, damn, he stopped doing it while I was typing all this crap.
* * * *
Subject: Re: Kosmo's Milking Bucket! WAHOO!!! MILK FOR ALL!!!
From: CowKosmo
I went fishing today.

At the pond there was a bunch of oversized tadpoles.

I found that smacking them with the fishing rod is a lot more fun than fishing.
* * * *
Subject: tempted...
From: ArrowsDeja
For no reason at all I was really tempted to go through each and every one of these posts and put :"Just like your face!" after each one, but something stopped me...

I dunno.
* * * *
Subject: Re: "I'm so sorry for angering the beautiful Miss Aimee"
From: LKiller007
>>::kisses Aimee's feet::>>me

>>Well you missed the mark by about 40 inches or so>>Aimee

40 inches? You must have really long legs!

15 tokens to PsykoFish for her Sig Switch Day posts. Since sigs aren't included with the posts in the winners files, it would be stupid of me to post one of the many imitation posts she did. But stupidity has never stopped me before.
Subject: Re: Playing God
From: PsykoFish
SUPPORT CANNIBULISM: EAT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


::looks around::

it's lonely at the top (go raiders)
but gals with nice cleavage make it all worth while...


And now a couple more of the 15-token winners. Touche, Ruggy.
Subject: Re: Seasons of Wither......
>>Your wife's in Idaho? Where at?
(Not that I'd tell her everything you say... I'm not that evil... mwahahahaha)(Zorn)

>> Want the address ? ( BTW....Ruggy's there too....unless he's getting thrown out of bars while away on "business" trips....)>> TyleredOne

No, Z....
I live in Idaho (with my wife)...
...and don't end your sentences with...
A preposition...
You should've said: ...Where at, a$$hole..?

Then there's the little soir'ee I was involved in on my "business trip"... heh,heh...
No jail, no bail, and definitely no tail. That town I was in has more fat women
than 10 years worth of Jerry Springer shows...
* * * *
Subject: Re: Puh-LEES
From: Carcazoid2
>>Tommy Lee
Pamela Lee
Michelle Lee
Stan Lee
Sara Lee
Spike Lee
Peggy Lee
Christopher Lee
Brenda Lee

Tommy Lee Jones
Gena Lee Nolin
Jamie Lee Curtis
Grace Lee Whitney
Jerry Lee Lewis
David Lee Roth
Kathie Lee Gifford
John Lee Hooker
Roscoe Lee Brown

Lee Majors
Lee Greenwood
Lee Horsley
Lee Merriwether
Lee Remmick
Lee Grant>>

Kevin Bacon!

I'm hearing the rim-shot again. It's getting louder and it's starting to make my head pound. Is anyone else hearing that?? More 10-token winners:
Subject: Re: My Body, My Soul
From: Mandroid 5
>Cut and Past is your FRIEND.<

That's right. He who does not learn from cut and past is doomed to repeat it.
* * * *
Subject: Re: MissAimee got bored
From: Miss Aimee
Just a hint to anyone who wants to surf in Illinois... make sure you look excellent in a bathing suit, because you're going to look damn stupid trying to surf on Lake Michigan's 6 inch waves...
* * * *
Subject: Re: Pia's Little Escapade
From: PiaAdams
I defragmented my hard drive I even get booted faster...
* * * *
Subject: Re: Matriculation
From: Ndecisive1
So like I was saying, I'm about to graduate and need to start planning my life. Anyone got a TV Guide?

Here's the other two 15-token winners. I liked Buffa's post, but initially thought it was unoriginal. But considering Buffa set off angry replies from everyone -- okay, from one person -- I guess I was mistaken.
Subject: If Jesus Died in a car accident.
From: Buffa1
If Jesus had died in a car accident....would christians where a crunched up car around their necks? Would there be a totaled car in every christian church across the country?
* * * *
Subject: Re: Chris's little thoughts
From: Bumppis
>>5 year olds just haven't been beaten down by life yet...give 'em time...>>

>>Unless their name is Reno...I mean, what kinda name is that for a kid? Might as well name the boy Leslie...teehee.<<

>>I don't think it matters what his name is, just who raised him>>Killer

Man Killer, you're sick! Talking about giving a 5 year old a rise!!!! What's wrong with you?

Hey Nyello, it worked in your head, it didn't work on paper -- was it a success on the screen? The small screen, not the big screen, I mean. Not that small screen, this one. Ah screw it -- here's the last of the 10-token winners.
Subject: Commie Cabana!
From: Nyello
The Communist Party
An In-depth essay by Nyello

It was 11:29 and the party was just getting started at the Kremlin. The partygoers were going to paint Moscow red that night. Lenin was hanging out by the punchbowl and doing the 'Monkey' with Stalin, while Marx did the 'Funky Chicken' and Castro partook in the little game of 'Seven Minutes in Heaven' with Trotsky.
Suddenly the door flew open and in came the life of the party, Mao Zedong himself! The lampshade on his head coincided with the vodka in his hand. He jumped up onto the table and started to 'get funky.'
It was then that Nyello realized that this topic, although funny in his head, didn't quite work on paper.
* * * *
Subject: Re: Still weird
From: KRinger331
>>Is it just me, or are all uncles either really cool or child molesters?<<

Really cool, I think. That's why they wear trench coats.
* * * *
From: The Kat 4u
kat's tip for the day:

think happy thoughts all the day, and you'll be sick of yourself soon enuf...
* * * *
Subject: Not on any map
From: MitchRK
Remember that saying a while back that went something like, "We're talkin' ________ city." Everybody that used that thought it was so clever of them. Does anyone think that ever sounded witty? Didn't that get awfully overused in a really short period of time?

Although now that I think about it, I guess it was pretty clever. NOT!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! NOT!!!!!!!! WAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I kill me.

These three had two posts picked each. By default, they're the big winners this week. 20 tokens:
Subject: Re: Sometimes you feel old school.
From: Integral46
I prank called the local golf course's pro shop and asked them if they had 4 oz. balls. For some reason, it just didn't have the same effect.
* * * *
Subject: Re: A Shakespearean Disgrace
From: Integral46
>>>I used to get the (can't say that here) beat out of me when I was younger for being Polish>>>

I used to tease myself for being Polish when I was younger. It's tough.
* * * *
Subject: Re: ladybug
From: PinkKiwi
>>I hate bugs. But, I don't hate ladybugs. Probably because they are nice.>>

I've always thought that male ladybugs would have a terrible problem with their masculinity.
* * * *
Subject: Re: To find out what I am going to say click here
From: PinkKiwi
>>Grammar is our friend. Please use it.>>

Do you use all of your friends, Sabbati?

Just wondering...
* * * *
Subject: Re: USAmen's Hard Drive
From: USAmen
I think hangovers are God's way of telling me to stay drunk all the time. Okay, so what if I got a D minus in Biblical Interpretation class? I might still be right.
* * * *
Subject: Re: USAmen's Hard Drive
From: USAmen
"America On-Line for Dummies" -- I think the title of that book pretty much sums it up.

There's an America On-Line for Dummies? What's next? Hecklers Online for Dummies? These books are getting unnecessary; they seem to be doing pretty well
on their own. Well, that's it, congrats to all the winners. Somewhat
unbelievably, there were a lot of you this week.